Last week Charlotte came home with a note to the parents about an “incident” at her school. Apparently two school aged children from the after school program were caught in the bathroom together. At the request of one of the parents, the police were called and both students were suspended pending an investigation.
OK.
Now I am not sure exactly what the note is implying.
Charlotte goes to private Montessori. Its a very small school, has a pretty strict lock down policy and the teachers are on top of the kids all the time. Its literally only a 2 room building and its open everywhere, separated only by a partition wall. I know they have an after school program, that I believe brings in children form the public schools, but not when Charlotte is in attendance.
Since its in investigation, I am sure we wont be getting solid answers. The way I read it is that one kid is accused of molesting another kid.
Which of course puts me on some major edge.
So we sat down and had a serious talk with Charlotte. Its so hard to get a 5 year old, specifically one obsessed with her own nipples, to be serious about private parts. I talked to her about who is allowed to touch her and how or why and we even practiced how to yell NO if someone tries to touch you.
Is there any advice out there that anyone can give me in talking with such a young child about this? She is barely 5, so this has to be really confusing to her.
~Trisha
I talk to my kids all the time about if someone makes them uncomfortable by the way they talk to them or by touching them. I am scared to death about someone taking advantage of my kids.
I don’t blame you at all for being concerned. My policy is always better safe than sorry! That is really good that you practiced how to yell no. I really like what Creative Junkie said about the bathing suit. I never heard that before but it makes sense.
You need to talk about the good touch and bad touch point blank. I actually learned it because my school had a school assembly in the library when I was in first grade and they did some situational skits and the fact that they weren’t vulgar about it but were honest about the difference between the two helped a lot!
I didn’t have time to read all the other comments, but I reviewed this book and thought it was pretty good. It’s called “My Body Belongs to Me” and written by the Bronx Assistant D.A. http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-Belongs-Jill-Starishevsky/dp/0982121601/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1265422925&sr=8-1
You can also use her dolls as an example. There are spots that strangers should not be looking or touching.
I would continue to ask questions at school to find out more details of what did happen and what will be done to prevent it from happening in the future.
Follow your gut and be gentle. I’d just be general with her, you know “these parts are our own and we need to keep them to ourselves.” I have no real wisdom since my little girl is only 2. Oh what I have to look forward to!
I am so scared of having any type of talk, I haven’t been there yet so I dont know what to suggest LOL
It sounds like you did a fine job. you don’t want to scare the heck out of her or anything.
I understand EXACTLY how you are feeling because I would be very uneasy that this happened at my son’s school. It is so sad, but children are growing up faster and faster these days.
5 is a good age to start discussing it. I would say to just beware of all body parts that can be covered with a bathing suit. Try not to scare her – just calmly tell her in age appropriate terms that no one is allowed to touch her anywhere where a bathing suit would cover her – kwim?
This is hard, you don’t want to scare her but you don’t want to take it too lightly.
Lee
Oh I would be scared too. I do not want to have to deal with this ever. I think you got some great advice though.
this would have me freaked out!!!
This topic is so hard to discuss but I guess the best tactic I’ve used is being as blunt and honest with them. They get it that way.
Wow, I think I would be freaked out to say the least. All we can do in situations like this is do our best to explain things in a way we think our child will understand. You know Charolotte best, so I am sure you will continue to know how to talk to her about this very sensitive subject.
What a very frightening thing to happen – for all of you! I think you are handling it very well and just need to keep reinforcing it at appropriate times.
Good luck mama!
There is an excellent book on this subject which we’ve used to teach from. It’s called My Body is Private.
What a hard topic to talk about with a child less than 5. There has to be a book out there that reflects this. Unfortunately I don’t know the name of one.
I googled and got this from Amazon.com Those-are-MY-Private-Parts/dp/0976198800
I have never read the books but they do discuss the topic.
I personally have discussed this on and off with my daughter and it’s always a short conversation.
What ages were the children involved did I miss that?
looks like you have been given some great advice in the comments so far. I just want to add something differet in addition to the other advice. I make sure that I respect my girls boundries. I never make them hug, kiss or even shake hands with someone they don’t want to. I tell that no one should ever touch them anywhere on their bodies without permision and that besides Mom (or Daddy) no one should touch or see their privates (areas covered by their bathing suits, we use actual names). We actually talked about that today. We also throw in that grown ups don’t see other grown-ups nudiness unless they are married or it is their mommy. It works so well that once when my daughter was 2 my mom (who only visits once a year) tried to help her in the bathroom while I was bring in the groceries and she told nana ‘you can’t touch me there’ and then came to tell me. My mom was a little hurt but I told my daughter she did the right thing.
Everything that a swimsuit covers belongs to her and to her alone. The only people who get to see it are Mom and Dad and the doctor IF mom and dad are in the room.
If anyone asks to see or touch anything that a swimsuit covers she should tell mom and dad because mom and dad need to do their jobs. No one will get in any trouble, no matter what they say.
I think you should definitely begin talking about this-you’ve rec’d some great advice and I really don’t have anything else to add. It is scary though…I’d be freaking too.
I haven’t read all the other replies so I apologize if I’m repeating anyone.
We have talked to our kids about this since they could understand words. I was molested for years as a child and I’ve always said that while it was a terrible, unforgivable, life changing experience that I am going to use it as a teaching tool for my own kids so that it never happens to them. We have read books, talked, asked/answered questions (even the silly ones that don’t make much sense) and even ordered coloring books that teach about private parts as well. The one thing that sticks with my kids the most is that they know NOBODY is allowed to touch them where their swimsuits cover them…EVER! My son is Charlotte’s age and recently I decided that he needed to start being a little more independent so he now takes showers and cleans himself without help and cleans himself after using the potty. I want my kids to always feel comfortable and know that their bodies are their own and they need to protect themselves. These talks are hard when our kids are young but that’s when they’re also the most important. Even if we think they don’t understand…to a certain degree they do and will remember it.
While you’re at that talk though, I have always also told my kids that mommies and kids don’t have any secrets, especially the ones that other people ask you to keep.
I started this conversation with my kids at age 2 – yes TWO. Anywhere that is “private” is called their “private body” (nipples, labia/vagina, bottom) and my husband and I ONLY touch them there to help them clean up after going to the bathroom. We give them soap to clean themselves in the tub (“Clean your private body…. Good job!”), and we periodically talk about how NO ONE is allowed to touch them there, and that if someone does they need to tell Mom and Dad right away, and that if they’re at school they need to tell their teachers, etc.
Recently with my 4 year old, we started talking about how she can only touch her own private body IN private – in the bathroom or her room, and only when her sister isn’t in there with her, because it’s inappropriate.
You can’t think of it as a single conversation. It needs to be an ongoing discussion between you and your child that evolves as they grow up and as the situation changes. Use consistent, accurate language (“private body” works for us. I knew of one family that called it their daughter’s “purse” – WTF??? – and the poor child WAS being molested and WAS trying to tell her teachers that her father touched “her purse” but it took them MONTHS to figure out that “her purse” was her VAGINA. AAAAAKKKKKK!!!)
Use a doll to show your child EXACTLY where her “private body” is. You can’t afford to be shy.
According to Free Range Kids today, child abuse is down 26% since 1993, so there’s the good news. (http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/)
Excellent comments from the previous 4 ladies.
One thing I’ll add is that last year, we had the boys in a RAD kids program (you can visit their website here: http://www.radkids.org/ ) I know that isn’t exactly what you were talking about, but the subjects go hand in hand for me. The RAD program did cover good touch/bad touch and key phrases to use when a child is in a situation they are not comfortable with.
The best part is that they’ll allow refreshers until your child is 13. This wasn’t the best situation for my older son because he turned 13 a week after they graduated, but my younger son is taking a refresher this spring.
I like what Jenny said about seeing other’s underwear and underneath. That’s a great way to say it. We tell our boys that when at someone’s house and at school (unless the teacher is there with the whole classroom) that they should always go to the bathroom alone, no one should be behind a closed bathroom door or stall with you. And at friends houses, bedroom doors always stay open. We say “because it’s inappropriate, bathroom time is private time.” And then the whole don’t let anyone touch you talk is hard. Plain and simple. Sounds like you handled it the right way though.
I don’t think there is ever an age where a child is too young to talk about this topic. I think it is to important to ever put off. My mother was molested when she was young and she taught my sister and I from a very young age [to the point where it just seems like I've always know about the topic] about what is a good touch and what is a bad touch.
You just have to address everything in an age appropriate way. Talk about what is a good way and a bad way for some one to touch her and what is a good and bad way for her to touch someone, both girls and boys. It’s a tough topic because kids are naturally curious. Explain about how private parts are not meant for others and that it is a personal might help too. My mom would compare it to how I had this pillow that was special to me, so special my mom said it was ok that I didn’t have to share it or let any one play with it. My lady parts were the same. It is something that is personal and we don’t let others touch or see, we don’t share it. We also don’t touch or see others because they shouldn’t share it either.
If you let your daughter know she can have an open dialogue with you about this topic, from now until forever, I think that’s a huge help. They don’t feel the need to be as curious with other kids if mom is going to give me all the info anyway.
Good for you for starting the conversation, keep it going!
Any time a note comes home from either of my boy’s schools (they are both in public) about an incident or an attempted abduction I get up in arms and turn my mommy on. Then we have the talk about what’s right and wrong and how to handle it. My boy’s are 8 and 12, and I always include my 3 year old, even though I am not sure she totally understands it. I feel education is the best policy and if I continually talk about it she will get the picture.
As for advice, I don’t know what to tell you. You could be reading too much into it, but then you could be dead on. Without asking question to get the solid answers you will not know. And like you said being under investigation may mean that you don’t get them until it is over. Perhaps call the principal and see if they can enlighten any at all.
We’ve explained it to my son that he shouldn’t see anyone’s underwear or what is underneath. He also shouldn’t show anyone his underwear or what is underneath. If someone other then his parents ask to do that, then he’s to scream. Leaving it at that shouldn’t worry her and also sets clear boundaries she can understand.