I was a breastfeeding failure
I have seen a lot of amazing posts talking about all the awesome experiences breastfeeding. I believe breastfeeding is amazing…if you can and want to do it.
When Charlotte was born, I did breastfeed. Maybe it was because I thought I had to do it. Nonetheless, I gave it a shot to see if it was for me. I always believe in trying things before you make up your mind.
Charlotte was born on a Sunday and my milk came in (with a vengeance) that following Thursday. That whole week I seriously thought I was starving my child to death. I think the hospital did too because without my permission they fed her a bottle.
I lasted 6 weeks.
I couldn’t do it anymore. I went to pumping and I pumped faithfully for a few more months. Pumping proved to be more work than breastfeeding! I would get up in the middle of the night and pump, i would pump sitting in the bathtub (seriously), I pumped every minute of every day and never got more than 3 oz or so at a time-combined breasts.
It was miserable.
In the mean time, I felt so tied to my house. I couldn’t get away more than about 2 hours before I had to pump again and since I wasn’t producing a lot, there was never any storage. I even tried over the counter herbal drugs like Fenugreek, but nothing really helped.
When I wouldn’t take it anymore, I found little support.
Everyone I turned to told me things like my baby was going to be malnourished or sickly, that I wasn’t doing what was best for her, that I was selfish. There really is no support for women that choose to not breastfeed. I cried when I quit pumping. Not because I missed it, but because I felt like a terrible mother. The guilt was unbearable.
How did God give me this perfect little baby that I did not want to breastfeed. What kind of mother was I?
But I did stop and within a few weeks, after the majority of the milk was gone, I started to feel better about my decision and Charlotte thrived. She is happy, healthy, and bright. Our bond is flawless and so is her bond with her daddy.
I wasn’t a good breastfeeder but I am a great mother.
Your bond and your decisions with your children are just that- YOURS. I always agree that breast is best (you cant argue with it!), but if you are emotionally or physically suffering over it, maybe it isn’t for you, and that is OK too. Should I have another child, I will try it again because perhaps my experience was unique for that one situation.
I will never again beat myself up for doing what was right for me to become the best mother possible. If you are a breastfeeding mom, please support and assist those women around you that need a place to turn when they are struggling with their decisions as well. Instead of being judged, it would have helped to have been guided.
For me, it may have made the difference.
~Trisha
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26 Comments
I have three kids and have breastfed all three of them. I do enjoy it and love the time that I spend doing it. On the other hand, I’ve only made it to 9 1/2 months with each of the first two, and am working on weaning the 9 month old down as well. I think it’s horrible that doctors tell new mothers that they’ll automatically lose weight by breastfeeding, because for some moms it’s just not true! My first two kids were weaned because it was just time for them, not necessarily for me, but this one is getting weaned because I just can’t afford to keep this weight on and I don’t lose it until I finish nursing. I’m grateful for the time I spent nursing, and will miss it, but at the same time, completely understand why moms choose not to and I commend you for doing what felt right for you and your daughter! You CAN be a great mom and not nurse!
The important long term benefits of breast feeding include reduced risk of asthma, allergies, obesity, and some forms of childhood cancer. The more that scientists continue to learn, the better breast milk looks. In addition to making your baby healthier, breast feeding may also make him smarter. Many studies have proved that breast fed babies tend to be more smarter than babies who were fed with formula or other methods
I was in the same position you were. My first son nursed ALL.THE.TIME. when he was awake. Every evening he’d cry from about 5-6pm, then he’d fall asleep for the night after one last nursing. After 3 months I couldn’t take it anymore. Once we started bottles, he stopped crying. He was hungry all that time. I felt, and to some degree still feel terrible about that. At the time everyone told us it was colic and gas since he was otherwise thriving.
I tried breastfeeding again with my 2nd son. I know it’s what’s best, and he was preemie. I had to at least give it another shot in case my first experience was a fluke. For whatever reason. my body just does not produce milk for my kids no matter what I do. We lasted a month the 2nd time. But this time I found so much more support. It was wonderful. The doctors (his and mine) and nurses all told me that “Hey, at least you made it a month. That’s great!” Then with his reflux we worked on finding a formula that worked for him. It was so great to have a team behind me the 2nd time.
Trisha,
I didn’t discuss it much in my post, but I too experienced people to my face (and behind my back) discussing how unhealthy my child looked. I even had to put my concerned parents out of my home because their concern about their grandchild gave me more anxiety. I did the Fenugreek too and nothing seemed to work w/my first child; second and third a completely different story.
You’re so right. I believe that mommies should support one another, whether breastfeeding or not, but I definitely encourage any mommy I meet who wants to breastfeed, to go for it and not to give up. There is a lot of support out there.
Thank you for visiting my blog and sharing your opinion.
I have worked very hard to breastfeed both of my daughters over the last year and I believe it is what is best. That said my son was a solely formula fed baby and he has never suffered a moment for it. I am sorry you felt so badly about the decision you made.
I’m not sure why, but I never tried breastfeeding. I know with my firstborn the reason was I was a teen and she was a preemie and had to stay in the hospital two months since she only weighed 2 pounds 4ozs., but my son weighed 5 lbs, 13ozs, and I didn’t try breastfeeding with him either. And I have no idea why. Now I feel like maybe I missed something, but I have always been close with my kids and they have grown up to be wonderful adults.
I was a “failure” with my son too. I have my story up again this week as well. But with Leah it was so much better! And so different. Breastfeeding doesn’t make us failures or winners, it’s so personal and it does not come easy for everyone! Doing the best we can is what makes us good mothers.
Great story Trisha, thank you for sharing! Every woman has to make this choice for themselves, its personal and no one should be judged for their decision. I am sorry you found little support when you decided to stop. But you did what was right for you and your little girl and you know it, so that’s all that matters. And 6 weeks is still 6 weeks – I say good job!
I agree that it is every person’s choice. I do believe breast is best, but I will NEVER judge anyone for choosing something else. It’s not an easy thing to do for some people, and some just don’t want to. I think everyone needs to do what is best for them and leave it at that.
I have several friends that are die hard breastfeeding advocates and one will even tell other moms that she is feeding her baby poison when shefed her baby formula. Although I agree about the benefits of breastfeeding, if it does not work out a mother should not have to feel guilty or be told that they are a bad mom.
I’m still nursing but I’ll be one of the first to admit that I don’t enjoy it like I know others do. Pumping sucks. If my son took formula I probably would have weaned him a couple of months ago
The Mom Jen wrote:
thanks for sharing your story jen!
I wrote a four part story on something similar! http://www.themomjen.com/2009/03/first-days-of-motherhood-part-one.html Everyone should get the support they need either way, it’s hard enough just being a mom (and a new one).
AMEN!!!!
With my first son he had latch problems and we just never got it. I pumped for 6 weeks after his birth and ended up with PPD. I quit pumping and found that people were so dismayed at why i would do this to my child. It was a horrible feeling which only added to the PPD.
With my second son we tried again and he just wasn’t satisfied. Once again i breast fed for 3 weeks and supplemented with bottles. But yet again when i stopped because he was happier with formula i was told it was my fault that he didn’t like breast milk or that he was getting enough.
This time around i will try again and i must say i am hoping for that perfect BFing experience but if i don’t get it and cant do it i pray that i will have the support of other mothers this time around.
I tried breastfeeding my first two children. The first one I did it for two weeks before I quit and the second one I did it for only a week. They both had issues latching on and I always felt overwhelmed, frustrated and was constantly in pain. For my third and forth children I decided from the time I found out I was pregnant not to breastfeed and I got dirtiest looks and the most rude comments because of it. Like you they made me feel guilty and like a bad mother but it was my body, my decision and we were all better off because of it. I too am all for breastfeeding but I definitely know it is not for me. I think it is great that you posted this because there is not a lot of support for those who choose not to breastfeed and mothers need to know that they are not failures for not breastfeeding no matter what the reason is.
In my opinion choosing between breastfeeding and bottle feeding doesn’t determine if a mother is a good mom or bad.
I also strongly think that it’s a mothers choice to do what’s best for her and her child.
I was breastfeed, my sister was only bottle fed (she was borne over a month early and was fed formula from day one) we are both equally healthy and normal. To tell you the truth my parents have a better bond to this day with my sister than they ever had with me…
You are an awesome mommy and everyone can see that, your little girl is adorable, healthy, smart and happy!
I’m so sad when I hear moms attack other moms about their decisions. It’s what best works for us, not someone else or some rule out there!
Trisha awesome post. I agree that breast feeding is the best for the babies and it also helps things in our bodies back to where they belong. But if for some reason you just can’t do it , either stress, not enough milk, whatever! Doesn’t make you or anyone a bad mom. Your little girl is precious and you can tell from all the pictures and stories that you tell us here that she is healthy and happy. And to me that’s the one thing that counts .
OMG Charlotte is just adorable and looks just like you! : )
You ARE a great mother for trying and doing what’s best. Breastfeeding IS hard and it is not for everyone all the time. We do our best as mothers and that’s all we can do. It’s too bad that we beat ourselves up when we can’t accomplish something we try so hard to do. I always felt like I was a failure when I would give my baby a bottle of formula as they got older. How silly is that?!
Thanks for sharing your post!!
I will never understand why mothers have any right to care what other mothers feed their babies. The amount of mommy judgment regarding breastfeeding or not breastfeeding is just ridiculous- especially amount internet mommies. Breast or not, every mom should do what she thinks is best for her and her baby.
I breastfed my daughter for 14 months, but, you know what? I didn’t enjoy it at all. Everybody says how wonderful it is and how great you’ll feel doing it, etc etc etc. Me? I felt bored. I continued to do it because I believe it’s what’s best but I would never have survived all those breastfeeding sessions if it weren’t for the Spider Solitaire Application on my Blackberry.
My wife had almost the same experience with breast feeding. She tried for a long time, but was only getting about 1 ounce between both breasts. Our son ended up spending a day in the hospital because he was malnourished. At that point, she would pump what she could and mix it with formula, but that got old. She expressed some of the same feelings of failure as you did. Thanks for sharing your story! It is tough to find others willing to admit their experience and feelings when breast feeding doesn’t work for them.
I think this is a GREAT post. Just because you struggle with breastfeeding doesn’t mean you are a bad mother. A lot of women go through hell to breastfeed. WHY? If it’s so terrible move past it. You should be enjoying your baby and not putting more stress on yourself. This is a very hard transition in your life and if you can make it smoother go for it.
I’ve done both (formula and breastfed) and can say that, honestly, I can’t tell any difference between my babies health OR bonding. I personally found it easier to nurse.
It’s such a personal decision and I hate that the hospitals do such a disservice in making new moms feel ‘guilty’ on their decision.
I’m so sorry you felt like that, Trisha. I know that I often felt pressured after my milk dried up the second time with Jillian. I was beyond miserable. You are a great mother and Charlotte is thriving. That’s the main thing.
Cat really says it best. You put in a full effort of trying, more than I probably would have had it not worked out as well with my children. I give you tons of credit for doing all of that pumping, for me the pumping was way harder than the breastfeeding itself. It certainly is a unique experience and only the mother herself can decide if it right for her and her infant.
I think that’s what makes breastfeeding such a unique choice, it’s a different experience for every mother and every child. Some kids are boobie monsters while others aren’t. Regardless, you are a GREAT mom and Charlotte is living proof of that.
I’m sorry you didn’t have any good support to help you through what must have been an agonizing time for you. It’s shameful when people make you feel like a failure when you really are trying. Even still, I am so glad you breastfed as long as you could.
I had a similar experience unfortunately. I ended up pumping for 8 months until my milk dried out but same thing it was every 2 hours and being the independent type I was that made me miserable and of course I felt even worse when my milk dried up because to me that was the ultimate failure.