It seems it was just a bit ago we were talking about her last school and the teacher withholding a cookie from her during snack. *Shudder* I have no complaints about the new school, or I haven’t, and now I am worried if I should.
About a month ago one of our neighbors, and one of Charlotte’s little friends, started attending the same school. They are both the same age and love to hang out (when they are not tattling on each other for not sharing). Our neighbor pulled his daughter out of the school and told us he was unsatisfied. News to us because we haven’t had any problems with the school at all.
His daughter said that the teacher pushed her, which you know how kids are, the teacher could have taken her hand and moved her over and it could have been dramatic. You have to take it with a grain of salt. But that isnt what bothers me.
What bothers me is that another little girl in the class asked his little girl to take off her pants. When he approached the school and asked what was going on, the little girl that did it is one of the teachers daughters and he felt they blew him off and disregarded it without any explanation.We like our neighbors and feel they are honest hard working people.
Now all I am thinking about is some little girl there asking other little girls to take off their clothes while they are in the bathroom together.
There have also been some other small instances with our neighbors and the school and they feel they are being treated very disrespectfully and with the story he told, if its accurate, I agree, but I have not personally been treated like that.
Should I say something? I don’t want to jump on gossip, but the whole remove your pants thing actually bothers me. We have started with Charlotte on not letting someone touch her private parts. Its hard because in our house, we are not so private. We change in front of each other and Charlotte and I still take baths together. Nudity is just part of life around here, nothing that is a big deal at all. Now I have to all of a sudden make it a big deal. I need a book recommendation.
How do I balance out talking to her about private parts and not have her ashamed of her body? How do I talk to the school about what could be nothing more than gossip?
~Trisha
I think teaching a healthy respect for nudity is a good thing. Maybe it can be the difference between nudity in the home, with family members (for now) as appropriate. With any one else is inappropriate…
As for the school, I would approach them without the gossip field behind you. Just let them know you have concerns that come from a number of different areas, without naming “names”. Ask them what their plan is; how they will supervise this student, etc. If it’s an option, if you’re not satisfied, pull your daughter.
In the end, your gut knows. You know what your gut is saying too… don’t let your brain interfere!
Lots of good advice given here. I agree with April. The next time you’re at your child’s school, ask her to introduce you to the little girl who wanted her to take her clothes off. Preferable, do this when parents are picking up their children so you can also meet “that” little girl’s Mom or Dad, or whoever picks her up from school, at which time, I would ask for a moment of their time, maybe step outside (somewhere private) and in front of the children, ask the parent/guardian what the deal is with taking off of the clothes in the bathroom (or whatever the little girl asked and where it was), this gives both parent and child the opportunity to know what’s happening in school and how the parent responds to it. You can ask in a cheery voice, you don’t have to be all stern and angry. Just sort of, “Hi, I’m Charlotte’s Mom and Charlotte’s tells me that ” ” has been asking her to remove her clothes in the girl’s bathroom and I just wondered if that’s some kind of game with her, or what?” Chances are the parent has no idea this happened and the behavior will be addressed. By having the children listen to this conversation, they are both hearing at the same time that this type of behavior is not acceptable. That should be the end of that. I never had a lot of luck referring such problems to teachers and Directors, and, I’m more of the take charge type. But that’s just my way. Do whatever you are comfortable with. I think you’ve been given lots of tips in the posts here. Good luck
Maggie M
I think a call to the director would be warranted. Phrase your query with “I heard that X pulled his daughter from school for Y incident.” Be blunt with your question to the director. Don’t hedge, just be straighfroward. Straightforward questions get straightforward answers.
I have had three children at four different preschools. When I am worried about a child-related issue I always ask questions of other parents and then once I am almost certain it is true I approach the director. I phrase my concern in terms of child safety. No director wants to appear callous and unfeeling. Again, don’t hedge, just ask the question.
I pulled my 3-year-old from a preschool because a friend who was observing the preschool before admissions witnessed a behavior management issue. I was certain that the mom was telling the truth. I approached the director. After a week when I had not heard anything I called the director — I was amazed that she seemed so cavalier. The director’s reaction was the reason why I pulled my daughter, not the behavior management issue. I told two parents. Neither pulled their child.
Let me clear up a few things as I am the one who eard the story. am not sure if the girl is one fo the teacer’s kids. I was speculating on that from observations. Our neighbor just switched from another school 1-2 monhts prior and is now attending the old school again. I think they may have given an attitude going into it, though the school director argued with them about the subject. They did say they spoke with their child first and were causious about taking her word at first (children’s stories not always true), but it seemed consistent enough to draw concern for them.
I am a Psych Nurse, and hearing that one child has asked another to remove her pants pricks up my psych instincts. It could be just normal early childhood curiosity, but it could also be that this little girl was molested and thinks its OK to do it to others. Most child molesters were molested themselves…it’s a never ending circle of disturbing behavior.
Because it is the teacher’s daughter, she seems to be getting special treatment. That child should not be in her mother’s class. I would talk to Charlotte just as many of the other posters have stated. Tell her that only Mommy, Daddy, the doctor and herself can see/touch her private areas and ONLY if it is for a bath, examination, etc. Don’t make them dirty and don’t stop being the way you are about nudity in your house. It will just confuse her and may even make her think that her private parts are not OK or something. (kids that age take things so literally)
I would have a very stern and in depth talk with the teacher and the principal about this situation. Showing up unannounced a few times a week and asking Charlotte veiled questions about her school time and teacher are excellent ideas. I wholeheartedly agree with the previous posters.
Good Luck.
I think what bothers me the most about this is the school’s flippant reaction. Kids will do that sort of thing and you can’t pull your children everytime there’s a bad apple. However, you should be able to count on the school to help in these instances, which is totally feasible. I can understand that if that’s the teacher’s daughter that she is upset over it or wants to blow it off. We all think are children are perfect and would never do anything wrong. I think you should talk to the school about.
Definitely talk to Charlotte about her “private” areas. She won’t feel ashamed if you are open with her, which I know you are. : ) My mother was always open with me and I have always told her (just about-LOL) everything. More than that her openness, made me feel a sense of responsibility to be a better person because of her trust.
The thing about molestation is that once it happens you can’t ever go back so it’s really important to have the conversations with your kids. I know of a couple of people who this has happened to-always someone they knew or trusted-once it happens it will cause shame within the victim that cannot even compare to the shame that would come from a parent explaining their private areas.
I say have the talk-with the school and with Charlotte.
@ Karen of Sillymonkeez:
Oh that’s important, that she knows she can tell you. Part of the school program is sitting down with your kids and writing down three people they can go to if they need to tell something or if someone is doing something they don’t like.
I stress to both my kids that they can tell me anything no matter WHO does something that they don’t think is right, that I will believe them and I will NEVER be mad. I know it “sounds” horrible but after learning someone VERY close to my life is a pedophile I know that YOU DON’T KNOW POEPLE! It could be someone you know, love and trust and your child should feel they can tell you no matter who it is that does something to them. Seriously please stress this with your children, you really don’t know people, no matter how much you “think” you do!
Definitely pop in unexpectedly a few times. When you are there, maybe stay a little longer than they would like, just observing and not interacting with Charlotte or the teacher… I think any teacher’s real selves always emerge pretty quickly. Then I’d trust your instinct. If the news is bad, and you get a bad or disrepectful vibe from a principal or anything that makes you feel as if you are being overreactive about your concerns I would absolutely pull my child out for issues affecting them directly that you feel weird about. There may be some minor issues that aren’t affecting your daughter directly, which may be okay for the rest of the year, and you don’t want to start pulling her out of every situation that might be off, without real reason… because she’s got years of this real life business ahead of her
If you don’t feel shame about nudity and bodies, I would think Charlotte won’t acquire that unless it comes from somewhere else. I’d get her used to you asking a few questions everyday after school that hide your agenda a little bit. Like, “What do you think of Mrs. So and So?” Out of the blue ask her “what’s the soap like in the bathroom?” and things along those lines and keep really listening to her instead of moving on to something else even if it is some silly seeming story.. if she gets talking, try not to lead her, but see what comes up. Another thing I always told my daughters is to always remember they can tell me anything and if anything happens or anyone (especially an adult) makes them feel bad that they absolutely have to tell me about it, because not all adults are very nice either. Instilling healthy suspicion can be tricky, but sadly necessary. I’m freaking out these day because daughter is dating! Boys! with cars!
We are very open at our house too, the kids see us naked, they run around naked before and after bath etc.. Where my kids go to school they have this program they do every year in each class, age appropriate, starts in PreK for 3 year olds. They start with private parts are where your bathing suit covers and how it’s fine for you, mom/dad when your bathing, Dr when mom and dad are there etc. to touch them but no for anyone else b/c they are private and yours. Not bad, nothing wrong with them but they are yours and no one else should be touching them, taking pictures of them etc.. They do red light, green light and talk about what is “good touch” and what is “bad touch”. Hugging your mom is good, someone touching your private parts on the playground is bad etc.. It’s very matter of fact and built into the curriculum so the kids don’t feel like it’s taboo or anything. Every year it gets a little more informative according to their age.
I don’t want to freak my kids out, I don’t want them to worry about every little thing but I want them to be aware and I want them to know they have a right to tell ANYONE NO “if” they are doing something that is inapproriate!
This is one of those hard things I think we all struggle with, we want to keep our kids safe but we don’t want them to be afraid to leave the house…..it’s hard!
I don’t know about the school. Maybe go to the director and just tell her these are my concerns what do you think or what can you tell me so that I won’t be concerned about my daughter’s safety/well being.
I think as long as you teach Charlotte boundaries and you are confident she would tell you if there was an incident, that you should let her finish out the year (unless something else happens that causes you further concern). It’s tough to be pulled out of school suddenly. I would just keep a really close eye on things.
We still change in front of each other around here too and we chase each other and pinch each other’s tooshies. We had to teach our 5yr old what is okay to do and what is not to other people. We explained that his body is his own and he shouldn’t let people touch him anywhere, especially the places covered by his underpants, but he shouldn’t do it to other people either.
This should not be taken lightly. If you feel there is something wrong, don’t ignore that. Go with your gut instinct. Nothing is worth the safety of your daughter. That’s just my opinion.
I completely agree with stopping by unannounced. I would probably do it several times.
For what it’s worth, I had SO many problems with Ashley and Zander’s school last year that I pulled them out and homeschool them now. The stories I could tell….. SIGH.
This is your child. You need to do what you feel is best. Talk to a director or someone in authority. You’re allowed to be a protective parent.
Oh, I feel you. When my daughter was in Kindergarten, one of the little boys kept pestering her to lift up her dress. He always wanted to see her underwear. When I found out, I was sickened….no one wants to picture their little baby dealing with that crap at ANY age, especially not in KINDERGARTEN! I talked to the teacher, who assured me she’d pass the info on to a school counselor. I also stopped sending my daughter to school in her pretty dresses
I’d mention it to a teacher/director. Is there someone else you can talk to besides that girls’ mother??
We are having these discussions with Lily as well. I think at age 4, they are starting to realize boys and girls are different and they are just curious. I explained to Lily that certain areas are private and if someone asks to see it (other than mommy/daddy and the Doctor), she should just say NO and walk away. I need to look into getting a book as well. Thanks for the link, Staci!
I agree with stopping by unannounced.
But, I do disagree with the idea of teaching your child that privates are a secret. They need to distinguish the difference between private/belonging to them and a secret. If they learn that those areas are a secret, they may be less apt to speak up if something does happen. If that makes sense.
You can also find some books about the body. I think there’s one called My Body Belongs to Me. It teaches kids that it’s okay to say no to other people and talks about healthy ways to touch others (ie. hugs, holding hands with family) and unhealthy touch. There’s lots of age appropriate books out their, and if you share them with her in an easy going way, she’ll get the message without being scared of anything happening. They really aren’t scary at all. Here’s the link to it: http://mybodybelongstome.com/
I know we used other books when I worked with education/prevention at our crisis center, I’ll try to remember them.
I’d talk to the school and see what their response to your concerns is. Then you can react based on how you’re treated.
Nudity isn’t a huge issue in our house either. It just can’t be. I’m often home alone with the boys and well, I need to shower and pee like everyone else in the world. What we tell our kids is that those are their private parts and no one should touch them except them, Mommy, Daddy, and the doctor. And even then if it’s uncomfortable they need to let us know and we’ll respect that. This is especially true with our 7yo son. He’s just starting to get into the whole modesty thing with me – not so much dad. But we also tell them there’s nothing wrong with their bodies, it’s just not something the whole world needs to see.
I was a center director. You have to talk to them if you have any question about the standard of care. They can’t make any changes or address any potential issues if they don’t know they exist. It’s very hard for the director to know EVERYTHING that is going on in their building all the time because they also handle the operational side – not JUST the classrooms.
The other suggestion I would make is to alter your schedule randomly so that you are popping in at an unexpected time. You’ll have a more accurate view if you are showing up “off schedule.” When the teachers know when to expect you they will make sure that they are doing what they are supposed to be doing whether that’s their routine or not. They did it to me and I had the capacity to fire them. They’ll do it to parents without the firing power too.
We have had this conversation with our 4-year son. Two years ago he showed his pee-pee to a little girl at daycare. How we handled it was that we told him his pee-pee was his and that it was private. He told him he shouldn’t show other people because it is a secret…for instance, Daddy doesn’t show his pee-pee to other people. We did, however, tell him that the doctor might have to look at it sometimes and that if mom and dad say it is okay – then it is okay. However, we did tell him that under no circumstances should he let anyone (mom and dad included) touch his pee-pee for no reason and if they did – he needed to tell us. Mind you, we didn’t make a big lecture about it. He had lots of questions and these were the answers we provided.
As far as the daycare – never be afraid to get the ‘other side of the story’. You pay money and entrust these people with your child. You should have the right to ask questions without worrying about what other people think. Better safe than sorry! My son was complaining about his daycare (same as above) and told us his teachers were mean. I just thought he was jut being a kid. One day I walked in unannounced and say the director hit a little boy in the office and tell him to stop crying. That was my son’s last day and the first day of their inspection by the State.
Lisa