 If you read my blog, you should already know I have a 15 year old son, Kevin. This is his first year in high school. He is really a good kid. He makes good grades and plays on the football team. I usually don't have many problems with him when I ask him to do something. Now with the other kids it is a total different story. They do ½ of what I ask. O.K., back to the story. My kids have a chore chart. Yea I know even with as old as they are they still use a chore chart. Well, it was his night to do the dishes. He had gone to the movies with a friend and come home late. He went to bed as soon as he got home. In the morning, I woke him up extra early to go do the dishes before getting ready. He mumbled something to me about I had told someone else they did not have to do the dishes when they spent the night. I walked out of the room and he turned his butt over and went back to sleep. I didn't know he did not get up. I later went in to wake my younger son and found he was still asleep. I asked him if he was going to get up and do the dishes. He told me "no". Who the hell did this kid think he was? Who the hell tells their mom no when she tells you to do something? He was holding to his guns with telling me he would not do what I asked of him. It's not like we had Thanksgiving dinner or anything. It was less that a sink full of dishes that he only needed to put in the dishwasher. But I ended up getting to him. He finally did them.
My point of all this is that at a certain age teenagers begins to become defiant. Like toddlers, they want to see how far they can push mom and dad. All of the sudden they have all these new found emotions and look at the world different. Sometimes they feel like mom and dad are just out to get them. They also become attracted to the opposite sex and are more emotional. We as parents can say one little thing that sends them into a frenzy. Frenzy is what I call a teenage tantrum. I could have let this situation overcome me. I could have come unglued and started yelling. But no, I chose to handle it a bit differently. We need to remember that when dealing with teenagers their minds are functioning differently than ours as adults. Their emotions and priorities are different. Here are some tips to help you overcome your teenager: - Pick your battles. Don't choose to argue about something that is or won't really be important. Fighting, yelling or arguing about every little thing gets old and tiring. You don't want it to seem like every time you speak to your teenager you are going to war with them. If the point is meaningless, let them think they are right. What is it going to hurt?
- Stand your ground and don't argue. If it is something that will make a difference and you pick it as your battle. Stand your ground but don't argue. I was able to get my son to do the dishes because I would not take no for an answer. But I didn't yell, act upset, or get emotional. When we as parents begin to lose our tempers our teenagers become naturally defensive, like someone is attacking them. And since their emotions are more fragile at this point, losing our temper will only make the situation worse.
- Listen to your teenager and relate to them. I read somewhere that we only listen to 10% of what we hear. Yours, mine, and everyone's listening skills could stand improvement. Make sure you are listening to you teen. They could be giving you signs that they are scared, something is wrong or something else. We all know we weren't the best kid when we were teenagers. Looking back many of us can even remember when we felt like our teen does now. Like the world is out to get them. Let your teen know this. They only see you as the parent and not as a previous teen. Let them know you understand that they may be upset and tell them why you feel that way.
- Cool off and revisit. Sometimes when things get heated we just need to cool off and revisit the issue when we are thinking clearly and the emotions are not as strong. People in general become irrational when their emotions are going. Sometimes revisiting the topic or issue later gives you a better perspective helping us to overcome the situation more positively.
- Set reasonable consequences. I really need to work on this one. I sometimes, set irrational consequences. Then later I have to revisit the topic. But, just like when they were toddlers we have to set consequences. Without consequences the lesson is never learned. In every phase of your lives there are some forms of consequences. Not following the law will end you up in jail. Not following rules at work could cause you to lose your job. Not doing what a college professor says may cause you to fail. Set the consequences to something your teen will remember. But make sure you don't give in. Grounding them from going anywhere for the weekend does not mean that they can walk down the street to their friends house even if it is only for 10 min.
Keeping your household under your control and not letting your teens take over is hard to do but it can be done. I am learning day by day what works for us. I am also learning day by day that this is the hardest stage in my childrens lives. Do you have any tips or suggestions you would like to share about dealing with teens? Or do you remember how your parents dealt with your raging emotions and what they did right or wrong. I am interested, let me know.
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