For 16 months now I have been a victim of cyber-stalking by two online strangers. I know I have yet to talk about it, but after some lengthy discussions with some (amazing) blog and community leaders, they believe that I should advocating against it and supporting others that go through it. I think thats a fabulous idea.
Luckily I have found support amongst the same men and women that built this blog into its own community, as well as long term relationships with companies and PR, and information is pouring out by people that have gone through this before.
Being online is a really interesting mentality. Being behind a computer can make someone feel self important, in a gang, rallying behind a “cause”, but what it can also be used for is harassment and emotional distress. One thing I never do is put something up anywhere that doesn’t include my name. If I have an opinion, I face the opinion with my real signature, real link, and real IP. If I cant do that, I just don’t write it. I would also never continuously use any form of media to continuously attack the same person. For one, its illegal, and for two, I think it would make me look pathetic.
Recently I wrote a post against the Nestle boycott, but left it about that. I didn’t contact, defame, or write those on the “other” side because it would have taken the actual issue to something personal that it needed not be. They were entitled to their side as and I was entitled to mine.
Now its true that I am not a blogger that cares if someone likes me or not. I do not get riled up if someone thinks I am fat, skinny, ugly, etc. I can say all of those things about myself, so its OK with me if someone doesn’t like the way I look or act. I know every time I write a post I am putting myself out there to be judged. Every time i put up a picture, I am putting myself out there to be judged. Additionally, this blog and its visitors thrive on the ability of blunt and often brutally honest discussions (PR Blackout anyone?) and regardless of what I talk about, my audience generally knows to take it with a typical ironic tone.
But for the past 16 months I have had another side you don’t get to see. I have been a victim of daily harassment, online videos about me, online blogs about me, online posts about me, social networking sites made up to speak about me, emails, and inappropriate comments under anonymous names.
And its all instigated from the same two people.
I am sure you are wondering why I don’t talk about it publicly that often. The reason is because its so stupid that I cant fathom anyone that ignorant and assume, like a child, if I ignore it, it will go away. Unfortunately that hasn’t been the case and I am forced to take steps to protect my family and also get the law involved.
Its not a fun or cheap decision and I don’t take it lightly.
The current rumors going around are also advocated by these same people. I am a victim over and over and over again. Same story, same people. Look it up. You will find over a years worth of the same content, regurgitated monthly about me.
This blog now has a cause. You will be seeing me advocate against how people use the Internet in order to continuously harass and attempt to defame and bully someone into hiding. Cyber stalking laws are being enforced in almost all states currently and I am going to be exercising my rights.
First lets start with some education.
Cyber-bullying is a term that is often misused online. Cyber-bullies are actually only between minors. Both parties have to be under the age of 18 and include multiple incidents of technology in attempt to cause someone physical or emotional harm. Its just like at school bullying, but online. Basically, you will know it if you see it.
Cyber-stalking includes these things:
- Malice
- Premeditation
- Repetition
- Distress
- Obsession
- Vendetta
- No Legitimate Purpose
- Personally Directed
- Disregarded Warnings to Stop
- Harassment
Malice
Malice means: the desire and intention to terrorize and hurt you. Much cyberstalking is malicious in nature. Malice is usually indicated by the presence and communication of clear and direct threats made against you by the harasser.
Premeditation
Premeditation means: the presence of planning and organization.
To date I have over 50 pages of saved information written about me by the same people, all personally directed, videos, blog posts, and anonymous accounts created with the entire intent to harass and defame me. I have tweets that are sent out one a minute for hours and hours and hours online in a row daily. I have flat out slanderous material written about me by the same people over and over again.
Is this EVER acceptable? Why would anyone ever be lackadaisical about that?
I am sorry, but anyone that says that if you write something public you open yourself up virtual and daily assault by anyone, has zero idea of what its like to be victimized to this extent. Would this be acceptable if we were face to face? No, you would walk away. You would not show up at my house, my dinner, my job, my best friends house, my fathers house without being held liable. Its the *same* thing.
Its to the point where its illegal. You are not allowed to contact someones work, family, friends, or business associates w/ slander and I am finally through with being a victim.
I know you are thinking right now, that is nuts!!
Yes, it is and its also scary.
When I looked into an attorney a few months ago, most attorneys I was talking to really didn’t know what to do. Internet law is few and far in between. But this week I decided I was going about it the wrong way and I needed to embrace the community around me and see what info they could pass on to me. In doing so, I was able to be recommended right to media and blog attorneys that fellow large bloggers use on the net and had an appointment with them today.
I have found a fabulous legal team that is disgusted with this behavior and have hired them. I will no longer worry about the next lie, the next attack, the time that it turns from social networking stalking to showing up at my house. I will no longer let the women in my community be emailed or threatened or blackmailed by merely being a part of this site.
They have that right without being spammed. They have that right to make adult decisions without influence they do not want.
- No one deserves to be threatened.
- No one deserves to be in fear of their own website.
- No one deserves the people that support them to be harassed.
- No one deserves to have their email addresses added to spam newsletters.
- No one deserves to wake up to fake emails and comments with the only intent to harass you.
- No one deserves to have a select few create a campaign to hurt you, physically, emotionally, or otherwise.
- No one should be in fear of who they are friends with online.
We have also documented all IPs from every account created or used to input my email address into false places. If you would like a copy of these IPs to block from your blog so you don’t become a victim, let me know I will supply it.
So Trisha, what do I do if I see someone talking about another blogger online? There really are two choices. We can ignore it or we can band together.
I have asked my community for a long time to ignore it. I will now as them to band together. To support each others sites, support each other as women, and the reason we came together, to support each other as bloggers.
- You have a right to post your content without fear.
- You have a right to belong to groups you want to online.
- You have a right to be friends with whomever you want.
- You have a right to have social networking accounts and interact without fear of negativity.
- You have a right to be YOU.
We may not all agree on every subject, but we sure as hell all agree that NO ONE deserves a daily and pinpointed campaign to keep any of us off the net. If we fall to false information, rumors, and gossip we are nothing. We become nothing. We become some mommies that sit at home and talk only about pacifiers and the best place to buy laundry detergent. Are we drones? Can we not discuss issues outside of the best formula?
We become fearful of our own opinions. We become fearful of perception. We become fearful of reaching out.
Our relationships online become superficial because we cannot trust anyone around us.
We should be allowed to, in our own writing styles, talk about social commentary, political views, controversial topics, snark, or any other form of how we want without being subjected to fake accounts, attacks, harassment, and more. That is NOT freedom of speech. That is illegal.
What I found super frustrating about all of this is I have spent almost 2 years online in the blogging community. I have enacted charities, supported bloggers, been a voice of reason, a speaker, and a published writer and out of 2500 posts and 170,000 comments, there are less then 1% that have started any form of interest outside my regular readers. But that is all anyone notices.
How many of the “outraged” can tell me my daughters name? Tell me where I went to college? Tell me the past 5 posts I have put up about my family? Tell me what I like to do on the weekends? Whats my favorite book? My favorite band? Can anyone outside of regular readers answer those questions without looking them up?
What? You only come when you “hear” something is wrong? Then its not shame on me, its shame on you for not become part of the relationship. Things are not so shocking when you are involved in a two way street and not appearing in the middle of a conversation.
The sad part is there is no issue. Its just as easy to decide if you like a blogs content or opinions and stay or leave. I write quite freely and always have. This blog is in no way supported by sponsors and while we work with a few select each month, we will not fold in the slightest without them. In fact, this blog is no stranger to strong posts or commentary and our sponsors monitor our content and are well aware of past situations and news it has been in. With that being said we completely respect the companies we choose to work with and the bloggers we advocate for and we wont let them be victims either.
I am taking a stand for you. For all of us. For everyone in the blogosphere that wants to write about their mother in law, their job, their neighbor, their kids, their husband, their sex life, their disease, their college years, their handicap, their true thoughts without fear of online assault. For everyone that wants to join groups they want to, be a part of what they want, to go to their site without someone telling them what they can and cannot do.
Is it rude to write someone is fat? Yes. But is it illegal? No. Is it a criminal offense? No. At the best its a line of morality that I crossed where someone can be offended. I surely hope that anyone that is causing such a fight online doesn’t read Perez, or People Magazine, or any magazine on the stands, or Dooce, or People of Walmart, because if you visit any of those sites, all of which are fabulous, its quite hypocritical to be on this bandwagon.
To all of you prematurely judging, coming in late to the story, or just deciding the person that’s screams the loudest is right, I just feel bad that is way it is. Would be much nicer to see people say hey, I dont always know whats going on and I refuse to be pulled in. Standing on your own feet doesn’t mean getting in line to push someone down. Its just walking away.
I will update as I can, but much of what I am doing legally will most likely be held back from any discussion I have online. I will however be advocating and doing my best to reach out to PR and talk shows regarding this important discussion. If you have been a victim, contact us. We would love to share your story anonymously. If you are an advocate, contact us. If you are PR that wants to get this subject out, we want to hear from you.
For the record, as a blogger, if I have offended someone to the point I feel like I need to remove content, then I will choose to do that. I don’t owe the “Internet” an apology for people coming to this spot. My opinions are not widely known as light and airy. But as it was, I did remove the offending material and there is nothing more I can do to set things “right”. I did what was asked and that should be the end. Anyone continuing after the posts were removed is merely advocating hate, not an issue.
Again, thank you for your love and support. Many of you have asked me what you can do to help. What you can do is continue to love and be a part of the women around you that you support. We don’t want you to tear anyone down, but only stand up for and build up the bloggers that you are a part of.
If you need something from me, you have my word that I will be there for you. If you choose to read or not read, that is your choice.
But we hope that its yours.
~Trisha
I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I am a follower of yours, but do not often post. Just wanted you to know that I support you in what you are doing and hope you nail these bastards!
Thanks for standing up for the victims of cyber-bullying! I will stand behind you and support you.
Good, true, real friends stand behind each other no matter what. When friends have disagreements they talk about them like adults and move on. I’ve been a part of MomDot almost since it opened and have loved the friends I’ve made, advice and support I’ve received and discussions and fun we’ve all had together. I’ve been here for you since then and I will continue to be here for you until the end!
Many hugs and best wishes for you on what’s to come. I hope things get figured out and the harassment and bs stops!
Wow, I’d heard bits and pieces about this, but had no idea things were this bad. I’m sorry to hear you have been going through this. You should by all means do what it takes to put this to an end.
While reading about all of the things you detailed here that we should be able to do without fear, I kept thinking, “Should people also be able to walk through airports without the fear that they will end up being ridiculed as a feature on someone’s {very HIGHLY trafficked} blog and called fat?” I hardly believe that posting pictures taken of minors without parental consent and posting them on a public internet forum as a negative example can be legal. But, then again… what do I know? Perhaps it is.
I believe writing that post and saying what you said the way you said it was tasteless, especially coming from a mother. There are better ways of getting a point across than showing a barely chubby teenager and acting like she’s the most revolting, disgusting creature you’ve ever seen. It was just very bad taste.
All that being said, I think removing the post shows that you have respect for your readers… Despite the fact that I was offended to a certain extent by the initial post, I can appreciate the way it was handled subsequently {in it being removed}. It would be great if grown women could handle things appropriately but that doesn’t seem to be the case, so things tend to spiral out of control rather quickly. Mature adults should use more tact in the way they express themselves {on BOTH sides of this ball} so as to avoid being purposefully offensive. Of course, that’s just how I see things… perhaps in a perfect world!
It’s easy to justify one side or the other… but it’s also easy to curb issues by being the bigger person and admitting fault when necessary {again, typically on BOTH sides}. It drives me up the wall to see such teenage drama on a continuous basis when all it would take is ONE dose of communication to solve it. Instead, people take to their blogs to talk *about* situations and people rather than speaking TO people about the situations and working out the conflict rather than throwing fuel on the fire.
In a nutshell, this whole thing is petty, childish, and extremely silly. Just my 2 cents…
And let me also add that a person responding with confrontation to a situation to express their disapproval only shows that their aim is not to right a wrong or correct a misconception, etc… their obvious goal is to be heard despite the fact that their words have no merit, cause, or purpose.
To a certain degree, ALL bloggers are writers. Seriously, we can do better than this. Writing is all about communication. It seems MANY people need work in this area.
Ok, I’m done this time LOL!!!
Ok, first you scold me. Thanks mom. LOL!
Thanks for the commentary Kat. I apprieciate and respect your opinions and support.
I only just started being a part of the momdot community (well only recently found out about the forums!). I find great help and information as well as some pretty nice people. I did not agree with your post about the Airport People, Trisha, and like I said, I am quite new to “really” posting at momdot, but I do not think ANYONE should have to go through this, it is so scary! I pray that everyone who is involved in this will find some sort of resolution and move on. It really has gone too far. Best of luck to those who need it!
The stalker you are writing about has posted in the Dooce forum looking for support.
This cyber stalking issue is distasteful but I commend you for bringing it to the Internet’s attention. Perhaps it will prevent someone else from becoming a victim.
Trisha, I’ve been here by your side almost since day 1 of the start of momdot. And that’s not changing. If that makes someone not want to read my blog, so be it and goodbye you know where the unsubscribe button is.
True friends are there with you for the good and the bad, and that’s where I’m staying. I love the women in this community as much as my family and one opinion that people don’t like isn’t going to change that.
I’ve been sick to my stomach all weekend for the way you’ve been treated and even more sad for the individuals behind it because their lives must be lacking the love and support we have here to create and spew such hatred.
Trisha,
It seems people love you or hate you. I love you and you deserve to say anything you want to. It’s your right.
However, you do not stalk people. Anyone who does that is not right, and should face prosecution.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God Bless You,
Barbara
yay you, I refuse to be afraid to give my opinions. Everyone has the right to their own feelings, sure some people may take offense at some things that you, me, and Mr. Jones say but that make them smarter, nicer, or right? Hell no it doesn’t
We cannot control how people react to what we say or do, we are humans or at least I hope we all are, with that no one human that I Know is perfect. No one has the right to stand up on their pedestal and make anyone feel badly for what THEY may find “Offensive” No one deserves to be harassed IMO if you don’t like it hit the back button, dont organize a witch hunt I mean really grow up and move on no one assigned you the title of morality police!
I’m glad you were able to find the resources you need to stop all of this. To disagree with a blog post is one thing. To continuously try to turn people against another person over a blog post is quite another. We all have the ability to leave if we end up reading something we don’t like. There’s a little “x” in the corner of your browser window. No one is going to please all of the people all of the time.
EXACTLY!
Go Trisha!!!! Seriously are they really adults you are dealing with? They act worse than my 4 CHILDREN!
Going to court sucks! I got a protective order on my ex-husband at the end ’07 but it was totally worth it & so is this!
Enough is enough!
No, they are not adults. They are pathetic children with nothing better to do with their lives. Think about it – someone taking that much time and energy to stalk and harass. Seriously, GET A LIFE.
Great post! People starting witch hunts because they did not agree with you are seriously lacking a life, or mentally screwed. I totally did not agree with your post about the girl, but hell….that’s my opinion and I know you don’t care if I agree or not. I didn’t agree, yet I still am on the list of blogs to boycott because I won’t tell you to kick rocks. No one agrees all the time, that is life…we are all INDIVIDUALS with our OWN OPINIONS. I am not part of any clique on the net and am sick of being accused of being in a clique. I love my friends even if i don’t agree with them on everything. I hope this passes eventually. Thanks for all of the GREAT things you have done and all the help you have given to other bloggers.
Trisha
All I can say is I am so sorry this is happening to you. No one deserves this, in the virtual world or the online world. A few weeks ago you mentioned somone had down; loaded your daughter picture and I was afraid it was something of that nature. You personal space has been violated as much as if this had happened to you in this world. You do such wonder full things on this site. What can we do to help you through this and make sure it happens to no one else?
Angel
Although I disagree with some of your posts I still have a lot of respect for you as a woman and a blogger. No matter what we post on our blog I don’t feel anyone has the right to stalk or harass another person. Good for you for standing up for yourself!
What’s really sad is that you are known for the negative stuff. No one cares to look at all the great stuff! To make you feel unsafe in any way is not OK no matter what happened. To threaten you in any way is NOT ok. It is one thing to have differing opinions but a whole other story to create blogs, twitter accounts and other things to harass you or anyone else. I feel that way towards anyone. No one should have to deal with that! I have personally NEVER seen you ostracize anyone for having a different of opinion from you but that is me. I’ve seen great arguments through the comments and through the forum. It really makes me feel like I can embrace MY OWN INDIVIDUALITY! Which you inspire Momdotters to do. Thank you Trisha. I really hope you can work this out and be done with it once and for all.
Gosh Trisha,
I’m so sorry that you have had to deal with this. It’s wrong and abominable. I recently rec’d an email via youtube about that vid I made for you a while back. It was filled w/ inaccuracies. I politely corrected the person-but was seriously annoyed that someone would be so completely misinformed.
I applaud your strength, courage and if you ever need any help please know that I’m here.
Isnt it weird someone even emailed you? LOL!
Trisha,
Although I did not agree with your recent actions, you are still one of the most supportive people I have ever met in the blogosphere. I think there are times that you say things that people purposely misconstrue and you are by nature “controversial”. People with either love you or hate you. If a group of people want to dedicate time out of their lives to bring you down, then they must really care, so let them.
Lee
thanks lee, i love and support you too. We are two majorly different people but have surprisingly had the same things in our lives happen. Goes to show that there is a friend around every corner.
I am glad you are standing up for yourself. I have been a victim of stalking. Although not on the internet it is all still just as scary, when you don’t know if someone is watching your every move online or not. I see everywhere you have gone for help Trisha these stalkers have followed you. It is like you cannot hide.
I do believe standing up and making it public is the best way to confront it. I have read the hate filled words about you and this community. And even was targeted. All for being apart of a community that supports me.
Cyberstalkers meet or target their victims by using search engines, online forums, bulletin and discussion boards, chat rooms, and more recently, through online communities. Cyberstalkers may research individuals to feed their obsessions and curiosity. Conversely, the acts of cyberstalkers may become more intense, such as repeatedly instant messaging. Many cyberstalkers try to involve third parties in the harassment. They may claim the victim has harmed the stalker or his/her family in some way, or may post the victim’s name and telephone number in order to encourage others to join the pursuit.
I see this happening and it is not cool. It is not OK to intimidate someone because you feel they may/ or may not have wronged you. Everyone has the right to freedom of speech but when that freedom of speech turns to a personal vendetta against another that is where it crosses the line. If you disagree with something or someone it does not give you the right to break the law. There is no justification.
thank you for sharing your story. I have contacted an advocacy program and have an appt with them a few weeks into December. I want to help others that have been on this end any way i can.
I would love to help too. My stalker was sentenced to only 3 months in the county jail and was back on my doorstep when he was released. Stalking online or personally is very serious. You have my info to get in touch with me.
Man, I can’t even imagine….. on the flip side just think how far your site has come! You wouldn’t even have stalkers if your site wasn’t so amazing and famous! I will cyber bitch slap them for you, just an offer
Seriously though, I am sure you have had enough of it, and its probably scary, but you never let anything or anyone stop you, and that is what makes you and your site great..keep it up. Just keep telling yourself “can’t nobody slow me down, oh no I go to keep on moving” (I like to sing to myself, it helps my sanity)
now i cant get the song out of my head.