…..but it is really weighing on my mind and I was hoping you guys could help.
If you have young children, what have you told them about death/dying? My husband’s Grandfather passed away almost a year ago and Lily is asking lots of questions. She asked me today when Grandpa was coming back? It just breaks my heart because no matter how I try to tell her, I don’t think it is sinking in. I feel like she thinks he is on vacation and will come back and eat Sunday dinner with us again. Ugh.
Grandpa Bunny
I have told her that Grandpa is living in heaven with Jesus. Grandpa was sick and Jesus called him to heaven so he would feel better. I don’t want her to be scared and think that when Mommy gets sick, she will go to heaven, too, but I just don’t know how to explain it any better to a 4 year old.
Have you had to explain death/dying to your child? What description did you find to be the most comforting?
~Bridgette
Well, when you figure this one out, will you please let me know? MY MIL’s funeral is Friday, the viewing is tomorrow (Thursday). It will be an open casket both times. How do I keep my daughter from seeing Grandma in the casket? How do I explain why Daddy is crying and sad, along with Auntie Mich, Uncle Mikey, Grandpa, Great Uncle Larry….you get the picture.
What do I say? Do I keep her separated from seeing Grandma in the casket or do I let her go up to look if she so chooses? Will I scar her for life if I do let her see Grandma? Will I miss a golden opportunity to teach her about death, God and Heaven if I shield her from seeing that? The day Grandma died, I told her that “Grandma was very sick and the angels came to take her to live with God and Jesus last night because she was in too much pain here with us. And that jesus was going to make her healthy and happy in Heaven”. Now I don’t know if I said the right thing or not. Grandma died in her sleep. Is Rowan now going to be afraid of being taken to Heaven in her sleep or that Mommy and Daddy will be taken? Kids sometimes take things so literally, you know?
I have no idea what to do. Rowan is 4. She is extremely intelligent. She also has the memory of an elephant. I don’t know what to do. I have one family member who is adamant about me not letting Rowan see Grandma in the casket (and has threatened consequences if I do let her) and other friends and family members who say to either let her make the choice or to make it into a teachable moment.
I am confused and so not cool with having to make this particular choice. Sorry for the novel length comment…
We have only had to deal with this with our dog dying and it was rough. He kept asking about him coming back. It took some time for it to sink in that once you die and go to heaven you are not coming back. We pray to the dog and that seemed to help cause at least then he felt like he was talking to him. Good luck B!
Aw. I wish I could help.
I think if you put it in a very nice way and all you can do is your best to make them understand.
I think a lot of it has to do with them learning about it in their own time.
We can all talk till were blue in the face, but ultimately they will have to come to the ‘death and dying’ realization themselves.
I hope you find a good way in the mean time.
I APOLOGIZE up front…this is wordy. You have gotten a lot of great suggesions and comments already but I feel moved to share. Grief is normal no matter our age and it comes in stages and steps. Your child has been blessed with a christian family to walk thru her first grief experience with her.
This world pressures our sub-conscious to “solve” or protect our children and others from difficult/hard emotional experiences. Our God has said that it He alone who will guide, sheild, or hold us up no matter our age. He has given us as parents the mission to be His conduit sharing his word honestly…He will take care of her understanding and digesting the truth.
In my home our children have had to deal with death, long term illnesses and disabilities of loved ones from a very young age. We have always been matter ‘o fact with the truth about what has or is happening and relied heavily on the simple truths and joy God’s word gives all of us on these subjects. That didn’t stop them from asking questions or at times being anxious. In the stretch of 1 1/2 yr they lost a grandma, grandpa and their Daddy had cancer (he has been C. free for 8 yr.now) and then their great-granny died too. Because we live close my kids spent alot of time with these family members, almost daily visits or helping out type trips. They were 4 and 6 during this time.
When the fears rose up I always let them know how okey-dokey and normal it was to get scared or be sad for their lose, then we went to the scriptures. When they worried over my or Dad’s mortality I made the same acknowledgements but I also shared with them the joy it would be to join our Father in heaven no matter when he called. That may sound “too” straight forward to some people but remember God has already layed His peace and truth in your daughter’s heart.
Don’t get too concerned about the secular pyschology, your child is His child and the Spirit, love, and promises He layed in her heart will give her strength and understanding no matter her age, according to His will and Love. Sometimes it is our grown up urge to fix and protect that confuses us and then translates to them.
I would loved to have avoided dealing with this but…My daughter asked me straight out when she was 4 what would happen if I got sick and died. (ouch! my heart ached for her) I held her and I told her that being called home is a great joy and something to look forward to and something to celebrate. I assured her that Jesus would make her strong and that He would be at her side, that she would never be alone, that in Him all was well. I briefly explained the earthly plan for her care and safety. Children have strong faith and respond well when we remind them of God’s promises. Often they need the simple reassurance that there’s “a plan” for their earthly needs.
Leigh wrote:
Wow, we definitely underestimate our litte ones, huh? What a touching story…thanks for sharing.
I will definitely look in to buying a book!
Thankfully, my family hasn’t lost anyone. But I lost my dad and grandpa at 19 months and 3 years old. My kids started asking questions about my grandma (mother and wife of my dad/grandpa) and why she is alone and how she is my grandma. They are 3, 6 and 9. I just sat down and explained to them that they are with Jesus and that sometimes, even though it’s hard for us to find they answer, things just happen. My dad died in a car wreck. I explained to them that this is why we always wear our seat belts. My grandpa died of a heart attack. And I told them that sometimes, people can’t control what happens to them and shared the importance of eating healthy and that even though tough times happen we will make it through. We’ve also explained cancer and getting sick. My best friend recently lost his mom to liver cancer. I know it’s hard to explain, but I just take each situation and explain it the best I can. My 6 year old used to say he’d build a ladder so he could go to heaven to visit anyone who couldn’t stay with him. Something else I did was tell them about the angels and how even though we’re crying and sad because who ever died isn’t here, the angels are celebrating and throwing a party because someone else came home. Good luck!
My father-in-law passed away suddenly when our oldest was 6. We told him that Pops got very sick and even though the doctors tried very hard to fix him, he was too sick and died. It was hard and very emotional, but we felt it was easier to be matter-of-fact with him than to try to fluff it up.
It is a tough concept for anyone to grasp/handle, much less a child. As a teacher, I’ve seen many students and families deal with death. The one book I’ve chosen to gift the children with is The Next Place by Warren Hanson. It is a lovely book! here is a description from Barnes & Noble:
“Synopsis
The Next Place is an inspirational journey of light and hope to a place where earthly hurts are left behind. An uncomplicated journey of awe and wonder to a destination without barriers.
Lose yourself in the uplifting sense of comfort and serenity. Embrace the joyful spirit of oneness. Then pour yourself into the lives of those you love.
The Next Place is, above all, a celebration of life. Hear the music. Feel the warmth. And be carried away along life’s everlasting flight.”
My Dad died when my daughter was 3. I had a 2 week old baby & we had to hop on a plane & fly to Texas for the funeral. She had to see my crying, etc., but we didn’t take her to the funeral. A year later her Granny died, so we had to deal w/ it then as well. I will say, I am happy to see you believe & are teaching her about Heaven & Jesus. That is comforting. It is hard for them to understand, and really there is not a whole lot more you can tell her. Prolly nothing more you could say to explain it any better. I would leave it at that.
Just try to be honest they understand a lot more than we think.My brother passed away years ago my kids never got to meet him but I have a pic hanging up and they ask about him sometimes.But there are a lot of great books out there.
It’s interestng you bring this up because my son turned 5 this week and asked a lot of questions about dying/heaven/Jesus…
We had talked to him a little here and there about death because My uncle that lived down the street died a year or so ago and he was asking where he went. Also my mother (his grandma) died when I was younger and he asks about her a lot. I really think it has just been the little things here and there that has helped him put it all together. We’ve talked about how mostly it happens when you get really old but that sometimes God wants to take people “home” before that. And that my mom got really sick. What has really surprised me is how much he has seemed to grasp it after the combination of all our conversations. This week he was really excited that because he knows Jesus he’ll get to see Jesus when he dies.
I don’t think I’m necessarily helping answer your question. I guess I just have seen that if answer him truthfully yet, age appropriate he seems to get it more than I thought he could.
My grandfather died when my son was three, the funeral home gave us a great children’s book at the time, and we read it to him, but we didn’t really think he grasped the concept well. Boy did we underestimated him, six months later when my newborn nephew died, it was my now four year old that reminded my sister that grandpa was waiting in heaven to take care of the baby for her, he also wanted to send his old car seat to heaven for them, so that grandpa could take the baby for rides on his bull dozer, which was what my son remembered most about him.
I don’t remember the name of the book, it’s been over ten years now, and we’ve moved too many times to keep track of it, but you might ask at a local funeral home about it, or try a christian book store. It was a christian children’s book that explained death and heaven in very easy to understand terms.
Sadly we are in a position where at ages 7&10 my kids have had people they love die. Fortunately the first couple of times the people were old so we were able to hand death on the ‘old’ peg. This meant that we avoided that whole <strong)’OMG! Mummy is feeling sick she must be about to die’ thing.
There is no easy answer, understanding for your child will only come from repetition of the fact that dead is dead but love lasts forever.
That really is a tough one. The only person we’ve lost in our family since my kids were born was my own grandpa and grandma, my oldest wasn’t even two so we never had to explain anything. But my uncle is dying, most likely won’t make it through the summer and even though my kids haven’t met him I never even thought about how I’m going to explain the funeral to them.
That’s a tough one. I’m glad we haven’t gone through that yet. I’m curious to see what others have to share.
we are lucky that saying Heaven is past the clouds and thats where Grandma lives now gets us by. sometimes less is more. Hugs its not easy
I lost my mom 3 years ago, before I had my little girl. She is still under 2, so we just talk about who Grandma was. I have seen my sister struggle with her little boy. She told him Grandma was very sick……. I worried that he would associate him or others getting sick with dying, but that hasn’t happened and he’s 4. He has his issues but it’s mostly about the cemetary.
That’s a tough one. We lost one of our cats when Jake just turned 3. It was his favorite cat and the only one who wasn’t afraid of him. We aren’t really religious, so that made it even harder to explain to him what had happened. So I tried to tell him that she was really sick and just too sick to come home, that she went to live somewhere where she could play with other cats all day and not feel sick anymore. I tried to avoid the “D” word.
So even a year later, he would ask me when she was coming home. I tried to tell him over and over again that she was not coming home. So when he was a little over 4, I explained to him that she got really really sick and that she had died and she was not coming home again. I didn’t want him to think that everyone died if they got sick, so I tried to make it sound like a really extreme case.
Then last July, our Chihuahua’s heart started to fail and we had to go through it all again. I think he has come to grasp that death is final up to a point. We just really tried to keep it simple and not scary.
I’m glad that our first was a pet and not a person. Good luck Bridgette!