I have learned
July 2009 goes down as the month I learned the most about myself in the past few years. Its funny how life goes in like these circles, we ask the universe and in a lot of ways we receive. We just really need to question how we ask. Or what we ask. Or our intent in asking.
It makes a difference.
When I first started blogging I had these hopes. I thought, hell, if Heather Armstrong can do it, I can do it. Dooce-topia was born in my mind and I formulated this whole site idea, a magazine if you will, that would incorporate assisting women and advertising businesses and then me, in the center of it all, blogging about Charlotte and Chris while my wittiness would definitely be embraced and talked about for years to come.
Not so much.
I am not a great writer but I do love to share and that sharing has lead me down many paths. From a public fight with my biological mom, to critical stabs at companies, to charity drives that made a difference, and public relations meetings that sparked conversations I never would have dreamed I would be having. Trial, not education, has put me here. To say that this year of blogging has been a whirlwind, would be an understatement.
To say that I have put myself out there, would be an understatement.
I often find myself grasping at my own direction. Wondering where my focus is. If you have been here more than once you notice that at any given time there tends to be something, anything, going on. I blame this on my father who raised me to fill my time up with creativity.
It’s a blessing and it’s a curse.
Still a year later, I sit here in the same desk chair I have had for 4 years, looking back on my late twenties and just grateful I managed to avoid who I am all this time. This loud, insensitive, pushy, aggressive shell of a girl that I am. The one that never had more than one boyfriend in her life. The one that got out of college after 5 years, proud to just wave goodbye. The person that could barely fall into line long enough to be a good military spouse.
I have been called many things. I am sure we all have called and been called. But I can guarantee for all the things I have been told I am or am not, that I judge myself more harshly then anyone else ever could.
I didn’t even cry at my moms funeral.
I block things out. I walk away. I have to be the strong person. I have to be.
My biological mom doesn’t even care I exist and never has. My stepmom was murdered. My dad has worked his whole life to set an example for us. I have lost two homes in hurricanes. I have dealt with infidelity. I have no time for weakness as I await my next chapter in life.
Back to July 2009. When the whole ‘pr blackout’ media storm hit, I was told I was wrong. I was told that I hate PR. I was told I was hypocritical. I was told I shouldn’t sell ads. I was told that I am a bad mother. I was told my daughter was going to suffer. I was told that I, in short, shouldn’t have an opinion that was any different then anyone elses and that I had stepped out of the mold just too far.
I was told to shut-up.
I was told to shut the fuck up.
I was accused of a set up. I was accused of a stunt. I was accused of perpetrating and gathering and soliciting media in order to gain traction. I was accused of traffic mongering. Link baiting. Pretending.
But I have never pretended. Same computer chair. Same woman, sitting here in jogging pants, listening to Britney Spears. Although my dancing has died.
I was angered when told I couldn’t stand up for my women. I shouldn’t be a leader. That women were wrong to feel the way they feel. That friends of mine were fake. Were sheep. Were made fun of. I was angered at the judgment. The words. The mobs of people who had never walked the paths I have walked and felt the way I had felt and lead the groups I have lead to judge where these paths may lead us.
But I learned.
I learned I don’t have to be strong. That I don’t have to fall into a path where others can judge me and let it affect me. Because isn’t that the rule? That no one makes you mad but you. You allow it. They project it, but you allow it. No matter what you say or how you say it or how you mean it, someone, somewhere, will not like you.
And that is OK.
I have learned that people think I am rich. That I am a company. That I make oodles of money. That I am a mastermind. That my site was paid for. Professionally put together. I am flattered. But none of it is parallel to the truth. I have learned that if someone posts a post about my spelling, that there are 138 people willing to jump in and bash me over it. But only one will defend.
I learned that there are more followers than leaders.
I learned its OK to walk away, that its not OK to judge others for their choices, to not jump to conclusions so quickly, to not put words in the mouths of others. Yes, I am guilty of it. I learned to have more patience, to not let the computer control how I feel about myself, my content, my intentions, my goals, or my paths. I have learned to do more research before I form an opinion and to embrace, rather than refuse, change.
I have learned that I am afraid to write. That by being accused of being fake, that I have become fake. I am holding back. I am afraid to have an opinion. To be ostracized for it. I am afraid to be told that whatever I do is wrong again. But by being afraid I am fulfilling a prophecy of falseness.
I hate that.
I have learned that its OK to walk away, to not answer to accusations, that if you are happy with you, then you will always be ahead of everyone else. I have learned its not always important to make someone understand. I have learned I owe nothing to anyone. I have learned how much my husband loves me.
I learned that I’ll never change.
I also learned I don’t want to be Dooce.
~Trisha
Richard (31)
jakell m (12)
Thao (3)
Courtney (1)
Crystal @ Simply ... (1)
18 Comments
Wow. What a powerful post. I love your open, honest, no bs style. You are strong and vulnerable at once. You are an amazing woman and have given so much to other women bloggers. I am grateful for your hard work and for all you have shared.
Thank you Trisha! You rock
Thanks for writing such a heartfelt and honest post. The PR Blackout received a lot of publicity. I am not personally participating in the blackout, but I cannot understand why so many felt the need to attack you for proposing the idea. It is possible to disagree with an idea without resorting to personal attacks. We are grown-ups after all.
I’ve enjoyed working with you, appearing on one of your Friday Night Shows (talking about affiliate marketing) and can recognize the importance of the MomDot forums. You are providing advice and support to many bloggers, and I like your philosophy of sharing tips rather than keeping information a secret.
I didn’t get a chance to meet you at BlogHer, but I hope to attend TypeA Mom.
You know Trisha – I think you are amazing. Your site(s) have taught me a lot, your posts have made me laugh, think, cry etc. While I may not always agree – it’s your site and I love that you put it all out there. You do for others so much and we should all recognize it! Like Alicia said you are My Dooce! Go you!
This is my favorite post that you have ever written. You are always real, but this was even more real. I feel that we can all be followers and leaders both-in different areas of our life. You and I are very very different, but I always read your posts because I like how you write (yes, I think you are a good writer, too) – and while I disagree with a lot that you say, I agree with some, too, and like that you seem very accepting of different opinions. So don’t start being fake!
I have been writing a personal, friends and family blog (which I am not linking to here because I want to keep it that way
) for over 3 years. And I realized awhile ago, after reading your posts that just put it all out there, that this is my blog and I have always been afraid of offending the friends and family that actually read it. Why? It’s my blog, and I should write whatever the hell I want. So, YOU made me realize that, and make some confessions on my blog that I have held back forever, and it made me feel GREAT. Even if only 3 people read it, I am so relieved to finally put it out there, you don’t even know. So, thanks for being you, and writing what you feel, and inspiring me to do the same.
Trisha, I think to be a good writtter you need to draw the reader in and you do that each time I read your post. I love the way you speak your mind and don’t worry about what other people think, that’s something I need to work on myself. In the past year you have done amazing thing with your site and don’t ever let anyone bring you down.
That is one of the most heartfelt things I have read in a long time and I appreciate your honesty – I feel privileged to be a part of such a wonderful group of women.
Thank you for all you have done!
You rock.
You are who you are and we love you for it.
Don’t change for the few who don’t understand. Or those who are jealous.
We are here because we want to be.
We stand beside you, not behind you.
More should learn from your writings and from who you are. I truly love this article and I appreciate you even more!
This post makes me <3 you even more. Even though I haven’t known you long.
Beautiful post. Really.
And you say you’re not a writer? I beg to differ.
This post is a prime example of why I am so loyal to this place. Honest, raw, truth.
I love it.
What an incredibly raw and real post. “I” learned a lot about you that I didn’t know and that is wonderful. God bless you!
Trisha,
A touching article, I only disagree with one thing, You are a talented writer! Thanks for the bravery you show in revealing yourself.
You are only human.. A wife and a mother..you can only do so much.
You are real, and that’s why I like you. You are not pretending to be someone that you are not. Amongst the PR, giveaways, drama, etc…you still post your day to day stuff.
You have NOT sold out.
and that is why I still come here. Why I attended that dinner. And why I support and defend you.
You are awesome just the way you are
we are not with you and coming back to your site to see you change and become someone you’re not, we are here because we love you and things you do.
Who ever is not happy with it shouldn’t be here! There is plenty of us who adore you and your family!
To say you’ve been a busy woman this year would be an understatement.
Trisha,
I think most of us perceive you as a woman in charge, a leader, strong, fearless, unscathed and remarkable in your own way. But sometimes it’s okay to follow, to be weak, to be afraid and unnoticed. There’s a balance we have to find and I think through this past year you’re working towards finding that for yourself.
Personally, I’ve learned more from you than you will ever know. And I’m not talking about blogging and seo and pr…as a person I’ve changed because of you. Maybe you don’t see it but you ARE a good writer, your words affect people…that’s what makes someone great (oh how you love that word), not because you feminized the word groceries.
What a great post, Trisha. I don’t know how you manage to do it all, but to me, you’re a wonderfully strong woman.
Wow! That’s a lot! I think these are things we all need to learn. Those and that trying to make someone into someone they’re not or trying to make someone else always agree with your opinion is a waste of time. Everyone has their right to their own ideas, thoughts, opinions and so on. You can give advice and comment back with YOUR opinion but it won’t always change the other person’s opinion and it shouldn’t always anyway. We need to stand by our thoughts, opinions and posts; suck it up and stay true to who we really are and not someone we are trying to be or please. Great post Trisha!
Trisha! I think you are awesome. I know you don’t need my validation, but I just want to know that I think you are real and I admire you. You are my Dooce. You have helped me immensely with my own blogging. I know you have helped many others in enormous ways. I don’t even participate in the momdot forums, but I think I will start. Keep being you.