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Im not sad I’m pregnant, but I’m not happy

Amazing Shares

I’m having a hard time becoming happy. I should be super happy, thrilled…I mean its a baby, right? Babies are love and joy and …oh, who am I kidding.

Babies are work and stress and diapers and another 6 years to get to the point I am now where I have peace in the day time and my evenings off.

It sounds selfish, doesn’t it? That’s cause it is.

I am worried that I wont love this child like I love the one I have already, that after spending years and years in acceptance of being a parent to one, that my life is so altered.

The truth is I don’t do anything. I work from home, I cook, I clean, and run this website, I surf the Internet and talk on facebook. There really is no rhyme or reason for me not to raise another child or have more children.

I dont want to get fat.

I hate gaining weight. It took me years to lose the pounds I gained with Charlotte and it was stressful. Now I am much older than I was then and what if it doesnt go away? What if my husband isnt attracted to me anymore?

And labor, dont get me started about labor. My questions are about the same as they were before. I feel like its all brand new.

And I feel guilty that I feel this way, that I should be really really excited and I am doing more to ignore that I am pregnant than anything else.

Am I alone?

Amazing Shares

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Kids Activities, DIY and Crafting Tutorials: Lifestyle Blog

Comments

  1. I just found out I’m pregnant and I’m not excited at all. For many years I thought “I don’t want kids”. Then I thought “I do want kids”. But now that I’m pregnant, I feel like I did for so many many many years. That I don’t want kids. Abortion or Adoption are not an option. But I’m dreading the loss of my freedom. I’m in my 30’s, so it’s not the same as losing freedom at 21. But in some ways it feels worse. I wish I would have had a baby at that age and never known glorious free time and never having to be on someone else’s schedule 24/7. I know that’s selfish, but I’m set in my free, sleep in on Saturday, eat a frozen dinner and watch tv after work, go out of town when/where I want for very cheap and super easy ways. If you want to bash me, save it, I don’t care if someone thinks I’m awful. I’m just being honest with the writer who seems to understand not being excited about being pregnant. I also don’t want to gain a bunch of wait and get ugly in every way imaginable. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but I’m totally dreading all the responsibility of motherhood. Practically every mother I know COMPLAINS ALL THE TIME about how HARD AND DEMANDING AND TAXING motherhood is. They never go on and on about the “joys” of motherhood. They make it sound downright dreadful! Like a prison sentence where you are an servant to someone who sucks all your energy, money, freedom, and self-respect by being disrespectful and misbehaved. I mean if every woman around you paints motherhood in this way, who in their right mind would want to sign up for that??? I don’t know what I was thinking when I was temporarily insane enough to think I actually wanted to become a mom. Now there is no way out and no one to talk to in real life who won’t think I’m Satan himself if I admit how I really feel. :(

    • Mary- thanks for stopping by. I am the writer and yes, I felt that…every inch of it. Even worse, during my pregnancy my spouse and I separated and while he stayed involved (and we worked it out) it was extra lonely. Now 3 years later, I wont lie to you and say I dont have moments of “dang, I wish I had some TIME” but yesterday my son (the one I was pregnant with on this post) went to his first day of preschool. I had my first 4 hours of uninterrupted by pee, crying, whining, complaining, someone getting hurt and I want to say…it was lonely. Because after all of my feelings, which were real, over the time I found that a part of my heart was reborn when my son came along, a part I didnt know I had in me.

      There were lonely moments, desperate moments, hard to take moments but they were intermittent w/ the ones that have been filled with love and devotion. I never would have said that pregnant. I truly was where you are. Feel free to email me anytime to chat.

      Trisha

      PS I didnt turn ugly…just a little more circles under my eyes. I lost almost all my weight but kept 10 pounds- I had a C section and somewhere along the line I had to forgive myself and my body for not being perfect anymore.
      null

      • Hi Trisha,

        Thanks for replying, I just re found my post as I wanted to give an update. I am now totally excited about having a baby!! :) I was in major emotional freak out stage for several weeks after I found out. But I have since been to the doctor, had an ultrasound, and have a due date. Time has given me a chance to come to terms with such a radical life change and I’m ready to embrace it, even though I’m pretty sure this is the hardest thing I’ll ever do (mother). …Anyhow, thank you again for your encouraging reply, I just felt the need to do an update for any other mamas to be who may have felt like I did when I first found out I was expecting, give it some time, the joy may come even if you don’t expect it to now! :)

        • Mary,

          Thank you so much for coming back for an update. I think it helps others read that it really is gonna be ok. I hope that you return and let me know how your little one is doing. There will be SO many more changes that you go through between pregnancy and due date, having a new born to a toddler to a kid off to school! Its wonderful how your attitude has been uplifted!

          Trisha

          • Mary, thank you so much for your post. I could have written it myself. I know what you mean saying that you feel like there is no one to talk to in real life. My two closest friends both had really hard times getting pregnant and had to go the ivf route so i feel like a complete jerk whining about how Ifeel. I also completely agree about listening to other moms, they make the whole experience sound horrible but then judge you if you admit that you’re not sure you’re happy about being pregnant. Who would want to live the life they describe? Are they just complaining to make themselves sound important and get attention or is it really that bad? I’m finally starting to have some days here and there where I can feel somewhat excited but mostly I am terrified after hearing their stories. I’m so scared that I will absolutely despise being a mother. Can anyone else reassure me that I haven’t just ruined my entire life or explain why they describe having a child as one life sucking, miserable experience after another?

            • Ruth, I had to LOL at the last line because there will be moments that you feel like that. I have just told my 3 year old for the last 10 minutes to STOP knocking his sisters block tower down and atleast 45 times between 6pm and 9pm my husband and I ask each other if its bedtime yet.

              That being said- being a parent is 100% the most rewarding experience you will ever have and gives your life so much true meaning. I cant explain it. Its a feeling, its something you go through, its not something I can tell you and have you understand but you will have far more amazing memories vs bad days. If you ever need to chat, email me trisha@Momdot.com

              • Thanks, Trisha! Hopefully there will be far more good times than bad and I’ll do my best to look for the positive and try to tune out the moms who choose to do nothing but complain. I winner if they have any idea how much they really scare first time moms. There is nothing more unsettling than being pregnant with the baby coming ready or not and being guaranteed that you will only get one shower a week, never sleep, despise your husband even though he’s trying to help because he just doesn’t GET it, and will likely not have sex or even 20 seconds together again for approximately two or three more years. I love my husband, I certainly don’t want to feel that way about him! However, you feel like you have no choice but to take their word for it, they’ve gone through it and you haven’t. Ok, enough harping on the negative things I’ve heard! Thanks for pointing out some positive aspects!

                • Are you kidding me? I cant live without my husband. He is the best father, spouse, helper ever. I could not raise these kids half as well without him. It sounds like your friends need to buck up and stop complaining. Kids are not hard- LIFE is hard. You have to make a choice to be positive. I choose to love my moments- yes there are some tough ones. Some challenging ones. But overall, very rewarding and you have to realize this is your husbands journey to. Not just yours- It sounds like your friends havent realized that. :)

                  You will be fine. I can guarantee it. Not just fine, but amazing.

  2. Bethany says:

    These (very few) blogs about not being excited about having a baby, or not enjoying pregnancy have been a breath of fresh air. I feel very alone in my depression of having a baby. And I SHOULD be excited, which makes me feel even guiltier. I’m age 30, I have a very loving (excited) husband, financially we’re comfortable. All I can think about is the loss of my freedom.. my time.. the things I like to do. In addition I have body dysmorphia and feel like I could absolutely not be any uglier right now. I hate how I look in the mirror (prego selfies? No way!), I hate how my clothes fit, I hate that I cant workout 2-hours per day like I used to (morning/all-day sickness, abdominal pain, fatigue). I feel like all I do is complain (in my head of course) – can’t say it aloud.. the few times I have been “honest” about how I feel, I get looks from women as if I’m The Devil for not basking in every moment. Thanks for the rant. Even that feels better.

    • Hi Bethany,
      I just read your response and I felt like it was something I wrote myself. I just found out I’m pregnant. I have a wonderful boyfriend who asked me to marry him and he is very excited about this. I’m in the last year of a PhD program and just starting to write my dissertation. If all goes according to plan, I will have the baby and defend the dissertation around same time. How the F am I supposed to do this all and work 32 hours per week? I have told no one about the pregnancy. I feel so anxious. I will not abort, I can’t do it. I’m almost 39…what if this is my only chance? Like you, I’m terrified of getting fat and ugly and feel so selfish thinking that. And I’m scared about the loss of freedom. I don’t think I could tell anyone how terrified I am. It feels better writing it. I hope you are doing well. Maybe it gets easier with time?

  3. Tiffany says:

    I’m a mom to a 23 month old amazing son. Life is awesome with him and my hubby. Hubby wanted to have another baby and I’ve been adamant since birth of our son that we’re “one and done”. I couldn’t imagine loving another child like I love our son. He’s so fun and I just want to keep him to myself. Ha! My husband convinced me it would be good for our son to have a sibling; a life long friend and companion to grow up with and have when we’re not around. I agreed and we conceived pretty fast. Now I’m 7 weeks pregnant and I totally regret my decision. I’m feeling miserable and wish I could go back and change my decision. I do think it would be great for our son to have a sibling and my hubby is super happy. At the same time I’m not happy right now. People ask me if I’m excited and I have a tough time lying to them. I know this feeling will go away; at least I assume it will.

    • Tiffany, you sound word for word like I did…as you can see int his article. This article however is 3 years old and now I have a 3 year old son and my little baby girl is now 9…and they are great friends. Watching her blossum into a caring sister has been such a joy. I wont say my fears were gone the moment I gave birth…but months after I was in love, in LOVE with my son and its been really awesome watching the sibling bond. I know it means nothing now, I was a miserable mom for 10 full months- but now- its perfect. It really is. Feel free to email me anytime.

  4. cecil japan says:

    After i read all about your feelings during pregnancy i can tell im not alone. Today after sunday worship in church and came home i ask my husband to drop and bought pregnancy test in drugs store. And came home and get pee and was so surprised with husband looking and wAiting the result and he is laughing and happy with the possitive result and congts me But i was shocked and not ready for my 3rd child because living here in japan and just foreigner here its hArd for me. My first child was unexpected too but when she came everything is change after 1 year my son came and now they are 5 and 4 and having next child is feel not happy for me:(.i just read all moms here they’ll fine cuz if normal reaction or hormones. Its 1 week today i ask my husband what he want.but he depends my feelings but he always be a good father he said and im thinking too much right now…i don’t feel to love my husband just happen 1 time after long 1 year and half for having not to sex with him because were both buzy and my time for kids nd work in a night.what can i do!? So stressful to think after 4 years to get back and taking care and do stuff again that really scare for me now:(((

  5. I feel exactly the same. We have a daughter who will be 11 this year. We tried since she was two to have another. I had weight loss surgery thinking it would help with my fertility and it didn’t. We started clomid and nothing. My husband is in the Army and in January we got stationed in Germany. We made a decision to stop trying. I was 100% happy with that choice. Our daughter is so sweet and so amazing. Perfect age to travel Europe and make life long memories. I hate this country. There isn’t anywhere for me to work. We could only bring one car. I’m stuck home alone all freaking day. This is the rudest country I’ve ever been to. I found out I was pregnant in March. I’m miserable. This baby is due on my daughter’s 11 birthday. Are you telling me I can only have kids 11 years apart? I’m homesick. I have morning sickness that’s ridiculous. I lost 150lbs from my surgery. My goal weight was 170. I weighed 155 before I got pregnant due to the fact I couldn’t stop losing. I’m 10 weeks and my weight is down to 142lbs. I can only eat about 3 oz at one time and now I can’t even keep water down. Since I’m not working there goes all our extra income. Now baby expenses. I don’t have any baby things from my first pregnancy. I figured its been ten years…we move a lot. Why drag it to a new place every two years. There is nowhere on post to buy the baby things I’ll need so I will have to find places that ship to an APO or trying finding a person willing to admit they speak English on the economy and overpay for a German version that kinda resembles something I want. No more trips. We were supposed to go to Disneyland Paris this summer…I’m feeling kinda selfish…no I don’t want to do and spend the day watching everyone else have a great ol’ time in France. I’m scared that I’m gonna gain a lot of weight once the morning sickness eases up and that it will just lead to a downhill spiral and I’ll end up 310lbs once again. There isn’t an Army hospital on the post we are at so I have to be seen by a German hospital and doctor. When I go there I ask everyone I have to talk to if they speak English and every single one says “only a little bit” with a smartass smirk on their face. iIkeep having thoughts like…What if this kid isn’t awesome like my other one? What if this baby doesn’t look like me and my daughter? She’s my twinkie? What if there is some crazy reason I need something I don’t have for the baby…like tylenol…at 3am and there aren’t 24hr stores in this country. When I was pregnancy before I already so attached to the baby…this time I feel like it’s a burden. Terrible. I don’t know.

    • Kris, I felt much of what you just wrote. On top of that way, I also didnt want a “boy”. If i was gonna be pregnant, why not another girl? But my son has arrived and is 8 months old. He is…well…fantastic. I would never in a million years thought i would change into that, but he is perfect and all the motherly stuff came back pretty quick. It washed out once i had him home and was out of the hospital and now I wouldnt go back. I did feel, word for word, like you described. Once you have him/her come back and let me know if anything has changed.

      HUGS.

  6. Reading these blogs help me now i am not alone.My daughter is niine and im pregant.So much has changed from ten years ago I am so starrtin over ,im not happ at all..im pist off all day. lol my bf and i only been together 4 months he wanted me to get pregant now that i am he seems distant,it just makes me more deppresed i try to talk to him but he just gets mad i feel alone in this. idk what to do..i dont belive in abortion or adoption. i am very unhappy is this normal?

    • Its normal! I think many moms and moms to be go through this..its the fear of the unknown, the changing of everything. However, now that my son is here, i can look back and say that things are fine now. He is 7 months old and brings me joy every day. Just know that you feelings now are completly normal.

  7. i just found out i am pregnant with baby number 3 and i am misreable i feel sick i just got certified as a personal trainer and now i have to put my life on hold once again for another child my fiance is a great provider but he is a caveman so i know i will have to take care of three kids by my self i live in a small rental and i hate that we are not married but i only want to get married if i am in shape i am beating my self up while everyone around me is soo happy and i feel so guilty cause i know that there are women out there who are struggling to get pregnant and i am over here hating it i pray that it goes by really quick and that eventually i will feel happy but right now i feel awful.

  8. chanell says:

    omg im 24 still in college and just found out im pregnant and all i can do is feel DEPRESSED. after practically raising my 3 younger siblings (who are 9-10 yrs younger then me) i know how stressful and hectic raising children are, and im not excited. i wish i could feel happy but all i can think about are all the things im going to have to give up from now on. i think about the stress of being in school for 5 more months after the baby comes, working throw it all, and having to afford moving into a bigger place as well as caring for the child. my fiance is way sicked as well as all my friends, so y cant i feel good about my situation. i just wish i could go back to my life as a care free, college student, partying, drinking, and living fast and fun. i feel like this is the end of all things fun and the start of all things responsible.

    • I’ve been repeating the same sentence that you just wrote “I just wish i could go back to my life as a care free, college student….” I just turned 21 in January, I had a TON of plans for my 21st summer, my boyfriend (now husband) was turning 21 in June and we had all sorts of ideas and fun times ahead of us. Then i had to get off birth control because of the reactions to my body (i was on it for about 2 years) and the next thing we know, we’re talking about having a baby. His brother who was 19 was having one, so we thought well if it happens it happens. I was really back and forth with it because i never even planned on being a mother, didn’t want to. Then in March, the test was Positive. I cried for weeks. I can’t drink with all my friends who just turned 21. I cant go to the waterpark, or do anything fun like that. It is selfish and im aware of that. I wish i could be happy, sometimes i am, it helps when i feel him move, but Im not the same. Everyone can tell im more down and quiet now. My husband is so excited, he’s wanted a kid since he was 17 or so. He knows how i feel and he tries to help, but this feeling won’t go away. I feel you and im glad to see im not alone in these thoughts..

    • I can totally relate. I’m 21 and my third year of college and I just found out I’m pregnant. I feel SO LEFT OUT from all of my friends in school, and the babies father lives in Iowa, I’m not married, and I don’t even really want to be with somebody right now. I don’t really believe in abortion and adoption isn’t sitting well with me at all. I don’t know where I belong and I hope I can make it with this baby and support from its father and his family. I need a silver lining. I hate how I knew my future so well before and now it’s never been more uncertain. I’m scared.

      • During my pregnancy my husband and I got separated…we didnt work it out till months after our son was born and lived in different houses. It was hard…really hard. But I can tell you without a doubt that all the articles i wrote, how much i didnt want to have more kids….it went away. He is wonderful. And for all the frustration and the building up to it all and the fear…he turned 1 last week and I cant remember before. HUGS mama.

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