Recently a blogger shared with us a link to another blog that put up reasons to be proud, or rather Flaunt your beliefs as a parent. I do not want to go under attack on this person, she responded very respectfully to my opinion on her post, but she isn’t the first person to put up a post like this, or the last, and I wanted to discuss it.
Where do you draw the line as a parent blogger? What are your beliefs and are they personal or do you believe you have to share or push them?
It took me many years and to come across many women to realize that parenting is something that happens to you that you experience as a sole person and only with the circumstances you are presented with at that moment. Your choice to breastfeed or not is not just influenced by what you think or thought, but how you feel, your abilities around you, your family, your friends, your child, your body, and a slew of other highly unpredictable situations. Your choice to attachment parent…same thing. Paci? Circumcision? Same thing. I could go on and on.
In fact, what you choose with one child, may not be the choice you have with the second, so I suppose we should all be careful not to put our foots in our mouths too much.What you believe before you have a child may change the moment they are placed in your arms.
Charlotte was a child with a paci. I was that parent. She was over 3 when we finally took it from her and it was because my DH put his foot down and made me. 2 days later it was but a memory. It was probably one of the hardest things we had to do as parents, therefore I don’t judge a parent with a child with a paci. I just smile and nod. I don’t know their circumstances. She is now a child with a blankie. I pick my battles and that is not one of them.
But when I responded to this blogger that I felt the post was a bit condescending and everyone should be proud of their choices no matter who they are, she responded “The point of this article is not to judge anyone that has made different choices than I have.”
However, I reread the article to make sure I felt that….and when I read this:
- Brag about how healthy your kids are as a result of breastfeeding and how you’re glad you’ll be breastfeeding through the whole cold season. Neither of my kids has been sick enough to need to see a doctor while still breastfeeding and my son who weaned 1.5 years ago has only been sick once since weaning.
- If another parent complains about how tired she is, tell her how well rested you are as a result of co-sleeping. Let her know that your baby wakes up less often as a result of being next to you and that you hardly wake up at all when you do need to tend to her needs.
- Effortlessly glide through crowds, saunter across rough surfaces, navigate your way through doors and up and down stairs easily, because you are using a baby carrier instead of a stroller.
- When your friend mentions needing to go and find somewhere to warm up a bottle while you are out shopping at the mall, say “you go ahead, if you don’t mind, I’ll just keep browsing the books while my baby nurses in the sling“.
Is it me, or do those things sound condescending to parents that either didn’t choose those choices or couldn’t choose them? They don’t feel proud to me. They feel rude. And if a “friend” acted high and mighty if I had to warm a bottle, I don’t really think she is a good friend. In fact, a good friend would say…let me come with you!
My response is:
- I didn’t breastfeed that long (breastfed 6 weeks, pumped a few months, formula fed the rest) but Charlotte has only been to the doctor outside of regular checkups one time in 4 years when she contracted the rotovirus during a move cross country. So formula didn’t warp her and turn her into a yellowing sickly child. She was very healthy. I guess we are on the same playing field there. Difference circumstances, different choice, same outcome.
- Also, I coslept till 9 weeks before I dropped her in her crib and I was well rested too…why? Cause she was in her own bed and I could roll around without being scared. I was always afraid I would roll over on her or something and I spent many sleepless nights because it. I also am a light sleeper and not listening to her rustle, was helpful for me.It made us both better people to NOT sleep together. She is, in fact, a flawless sleeper and at 4 years old, still takes a 2 hour nap in the day and sleeps from night till morning with no problems, and always has. She also gets up to use the bathroom on her own and tucks herself back in. I think we are on an even playing field there too… Difference circumstances, different choice, same outcome.
- Stroller? Well, I’m 5’1″ and weight 104. As soon as my child became 25% of my personal body weight, it got a bit difficult, and dangerous, to attach her to my body. I also liked having a stroller. I got to put all my shopping bags below, carry a lunch, and lean on something when I got tired. Again, difference circumstances, different choice, same outcome.
My point is that we are all experiencing the same results or we wouldn’t be doing them! One side isn’t more special and gets a cookie for Parent of the Year, kwim?
I wanted to bring in a new list, one that all parents can Flaunt.
1) Breastfeeding: Breastfeeding and bottle feeding have come a long way. Choose what is right for you. No matter what you do, someone is judging you. They will judged you for a breast out, they will judge you for a bottle out, so does it really matter? Its your personal choice, your personal research, your situation with your husband, child, and doctor. Your relationship with your child is a personal bond that will be created no matter how you feed your child. You love your child and they love you. Also, there will always be a formula fed baby with perfect health and a breastfed baby with terrible health and a breastfed baby with perfect health and a formula fed baby with terrible health. Get it?
2) Co sleeping- If you cant sleep cause your child is in bed with you, get them out. If you cant sleep cause your child is in another room, bring them in. Do what is right for your child, with those circumstances, at that time. Many countries cosleep till adulthood and many kick them out at 6 to get a job. There is no right, there is no wrong, there is only you.
3) Attachment parenting- Some swear by it, some rip it to shreds. I didn’t experience it but have friends that do and they seem the same amount of happy that I am. They love their child the same amount I love mine.
I could go on and on, my advice is still the exact same. Can we stop putting out information on the web that insults one section of the people and leaves the other out? Life is going to bring on a lot of judgments. Our cars, our homes, our jobs, our hair, if we mowed our lawn this week, if we went to college, if our kids went to college….do we really need to be bragging how we feed our child or how we sleep with our child or how we care for our family?
What we need to do is be supportive of ALL women, ALL mothers and lift them up. Isn’t it hard enough with a newborn then to have people making us second guessing our choices? The web is the worst for that. You go on to find something out about lets say epidural and you find 100 women that say they would have died from the pain without it and another 100 that claims your drugging your baby and your a terrible mom if you do it. Its almost impossible to even feel support anymore.
Here is what I want you to do for me. In the comments tell me something that you wish someone would have told you before you became a parent.
Mine would be….. I tried breastfeeding, pumping, and formula. I gave each one of these things several months before deciding what was right for my family. I have a happy, healthy child, I was a happy, healthy mom. My choices changed sometimes daily. I wish someone would have told me that I am not a failure for choosing one over the other and that if holding onto something makes me internally miserable, then to let it go.
You are NOT a failure. Even if the internet says so.
~Trisha
I wish someone would have told me that parenting is the toughest job EVER! It is the most fulfilling, yes. But I constantly worry about what choices I am making for my children and what choices I am teaching them to make for themselves at the present time or in their futures.
Becoming a parent doesn’t mean you know everything about being one, you learn from experience what works for you and your child. I wish the directions that came with my children hadn’t got lost in the mail b/c I worry about how they are going to turn out in the end. My husband always says (whether I agree with it or not) that you will be able to know what kind of parent you are when your kids are grown by how they act and what kind of people they are. But then what do you say about kids that have had great parents but turned out bad? Hmm…
Anyway, just my thoughts.
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I wish someone would have told me “Super Mom” was a total myth. I don’t HAVE to get all the laundry done, keep the children sparkly clean, have a 4 course meal on the table at 5, dress to the nines all the time, and wear makeup constantly.
I wish someone would have told me that it’s ok to take a day off and just play with playdough while the laundry piles up.
When someone finds the decision list that makes mom guilt go away, then I’ll tune in. Until then I’ll avoid the folks who feel like the only way to defend their choices is to FLAUNT them rudely. Thank you for expressing your feelings and opinions but if you are going to go militant on me just know that not only did you lose my attention but you lost my respect too.
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I wish someone would have told me that breastfeeding might HURT at first, I mean REALLY hurt so I may want to get a good pump. I also wish that someone would have told me that I might have to supplement because I wouldn’t produce enough milk. I was so disappointed (with myself) for not being the “perfect” breast-feeding mother I thought I was going to be!
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I wish someone would have told me that I will probably never sleep through the night again. I had friends who told me you don’t sleep through the night for a few months but my oldest is almost 21 months and my youngest is almost 9 months and I am still up 3-4 times a night. I guess you get used to be exhausted.
I couldn’t breastfeed my children because of a medical condition I have that requires me to take medication that could harm them. It was bad enough that I had to take medication while I was pregnant. Now that they are out of my womb, I want them to have nutritious, non-medicated food therefore they have formula. It bothers me that some people look down on others for their choices without even knowing the women. I had a person tell me that formula was going to damage my child and her child would be smarter than mine because she breastfeeds. She had no idea what my situation is. When my oldest was very small people would ask me in the grocery store (men and women) if I breastfeed. I would NEVER ask a stranger things like this. When I said no they would give me “the look”.
Being a Mom has made me much more tolerant and understanding of others. I’ve learned not to judge other moms. I am pretty sure most of us are doing the best we can for our children.
I agree that we should all support each other.
I am replying only to what Trisha said as I haven’t had a chance to read the other site.
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TresCoutureClarissa wrote:
Could you explain why it bothered you? I know I learn things from other people, so why is it a problem if someone learns something from me? Isn’t that a big part of what sharing via blogs is about?
Maybe I misunderstood what you are saying, so if you can clarify that would help. Thanks.
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I wish someone had told me that no matter what I do, I’ll probably never get a full night’s sleep again.
We choose to co-sleep because we get more sleep that way. But in no way do I get a full nights sleep. In the last 4 years, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve slept through the night. We tried sleeping in separate beds too, and it was worse.
I also wish that someone had told me no matter what I choose to do as a parent, someone will always judge that decision. (But I’ve also learned not to really care what others have to say about my decisions).
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This bothered me “I’ll continue to do research to figure out what the best choices are for my family and I’ll share that research and insight from my experience as a parent for those that feel they could benefit from it.”
because I think as parents, it is OUR job and choice to research and learn what is best for OUR children and OUR family.
I for one have 2 kids and they are so totally different from each other and have different needs…and what worked for the 1st one didn’t for the 2nd.
I am personally so over Dr.’s telling me what to do with my children as far as breastfeeding, co-sleeping, paci’s and potty training because I have always known so many more ppl who have gone against what was “recommended” and have come out of it {co-sleeping especially} just fine and normal.
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@ Annie @ PhD in Parenting:
We need to find a balance between individual choice and collective change and improvement.
—–
Agreed.
Cat @ 3KidsnUs’s last blog post..Why I don’t leave the house!
I wish someone would’ve told me just how different kids can be even from the same set of parents. I feel like a new parent all over again a lot of the time because my 2yo is so different from my 7yo and has been since birth. I expected differences because we’re all different, but not polar opposites.
I also wish someone would’ve told me that the mean girl syndrome doesn’t go away after high school. You’d think we could all grow closer as women as we grow up and have kids, but no. Someone’s always judging – even family.
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@ Cat @ 3KidsnUs:
Oh, yeah, thats a big one!!
Something I wish someone had told me….
to not force potty training. I had so much pressure from friends and family to potty train our son I think it hindered his progress. From here on out..we let our kids tell us when the time is right with encouragement rather than pressure.
Cat @ 3KidsnUs’s last blog post..Why I don’t leave the house!
something I wish somebody would have told me? That some babies will not take a bottle! I love breast feeding, don’t get me wrong, but when I had my son(first born)and started nursing him the last thing I expected when he was 3 weeks old and I wanted a break was for him to decide I didn’t get a break! He would scream and cry if somebody tried to put a bottle in his mouth, and as a result, I didn’t get to go anywhere by myself for 9 months when he finally decided he could give the bottle a try. I expected this with my daughter, and it turns out she inherited “bottle hating syndrome” from her brother. Although she did take one for the first time last night, 7.5 months old. Again, I love nursing my children, but I need a break once in a while too!
I agree with everything you said in your post Trisha, some things are just not for everybody. I have to say that my son had only breastmilk for the first year of his life, and yes, he was very healthy, but he also got rota virus at 1.5 years old. So, I don’t think it matters what you do, as long as it works for your family.
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Trisha,
I appreciate you taking the time to write such a long reply to my post and the discussion we were having about it. But in re-reading it, I think perhaps you missed an important element. One that I included in the first paragraph and re-iterated in my reply back to you.
That important point is that I reserve the flaunting for situations where others are attacking MY choices. I have friends that have made different choices than I have and I don’t flaunt my choices in front of them or insult their choices. However, when people make snide remarks about my choices, then I bring on the flaunting as an alternative to being bullied or undermined.
For example, your child had a pacifier at 3 years old. Fine. I don’t have a problem with that. However, if you felt the need to make rude remarks about my child breastfeeding at 3 years old, then I might say a thing or two in response. But since you’ve publicly stated that you consider breastfeeding a 10 year old normal, I guess I don’t have to worry about you criticizing my choices and you don’t have to worry about me flaunting mine!
That said, while I agree with supporting all women and their choices (I posted about that here: http://phdinparenting.com/2008/08/30/choice/), I also think there is an important role that advocacy can play in making societal improvements. I intend to continue using my blog as a place to advocate for the types of choices that will help us be healthier, more emotionally stable, and nicer people. Yes, some formula fed kids are perfectly healthy, but on the whole it has been proven that breastfeeding is healthier and we should promote it. People can also choose to smoke and not all people that smoke get lung cancer, but it is still important to educate people about the dangers of smoking.
We need to find a balance between individual choice and collective change and improvement.
Now, to answer the question in your post, here are the 10 things that I wish someone had told me before I had kids (and that I learned by using trusted sources on the Internet over time): http://phdinparenting.com/2008/08/04/10-things-all-new-parents-should-know/
I’ll continue to do research to figure out what the best choices are for my family and I’ll share that research and insight from my experience as a parent for those that feel they could benefit from it. For those that don’t feel they can benefit from it, feel free to ignore it. And if for some reason someone feels offended by it (despite it not being about them), then I guess it is their choice and right to be offended and I wouldn’t want to take that choice away from them.
Annie
http://phdinparenting.com
Annie @ PhD in Parenting’s last blog post..Please bear with me
I’ve never quite understood the “labeling” thing about parenting. I’m not a crunchy mom, a breastfeeding mom, a formula feeding mom, a co-sleeping mom, a whatever mom…I’m just a mom. I do what gets me through that particular day.
There’s no strict rule in how to parent.
I breastfed my son for 3 weeks, I gave him formula for 9 months.
I breastfed my daughter for 14 months, with bits of formula in the beginning.
My son slept in a basinett.
My daughter slept in the crook of my arm.
My son was in a stroller.
I occasionally wore my daughter.
Circumstances change from child to child and if you want to be proud about something, be proud that your child said “thank you” when you gave him/her something, be proud that you child picked up the contents of a spilled purse for a stranger…those are the things that truly matter, not what they ate for breakfast at 2 months old.
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Oh wow! I don’t mind tips or thoughts so to speak, but put it in a way that doesn’t make you feel like you are harming your child. I could find something wrong with her choices… do I? No because it is a mother (and fathers) choice on how they want to parent… As long as they aren’t abusing the child. Every parent should be proud of what they chose not feel less than anyone at all. Yes I may disagree, but who am I to judge. It does irritate that some feel they need to butt in where they don’t need to be.
@ Adventures In Babywearing:
I agree, you can write what you want..I just hate seeing “lists” to tell “other people”. I just think its bad info to say things in this way…i think we should be putting out info on why we love our choices, but in a way that isnt rude. Its ok to say..i breastfed because i loved how it felt, i loved that it was on the go and easy…not insulting a friend for having to warm a bottle.
I think we should be more sensitive and understanding, on BOTH sides.
Alicia taught me that.
And also…did you check out my spelling errors in my last comment? Sheesh! Speaking of dumb asses! Maybe need to spell check from now on!
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P.S. My comment was in response to the question you asked, not in response to that person’s blog post (I didn’t click over to read.)
I am of the opinion that you can write whatever you want on your own blog!
Steph
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Mothers have evry right to feel pride in what they do for their kids….but should not look down on others for their choices, if they are not parallel to their own. Yeah, I’d say that it was a tad condescending. Maybe it was not her intent. I have been guilty of doing the same thing at the Innsane, without even realizing it. However, I try to apologize when I offend another mom if she feels personally attacked by something I have written.
Dumb asses, however, shall continually picked on at the Innsane…Mother or not. I’m a bitch like that.
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I want to first say that I hope most people don’t think that ALL breastfeeders/babywearers/cosleepers feel that exact same way. Because we don’t.
To be honest, a lot of my babywearing/co-sleeping ways is to make it easier on myself and not because of some of the benefits some people might see. You know I’m all about the slings but you’ll see me pushing a stroller plenty, too! My kids never used a pacifier (and it’s not like I didn’t try- they just wouldn’t take it!), but I use nursing as a replacement for that plenty. Not much difference, in my opinion!
It goes both ways- just as we don’t want to be looked down upon for our non-mainstream ways, I think it’s fair of US to not look down upon the Moms that are more mainstream.
We are all just trying to do our best- we’re just trying to make it from one day to the next. Sometimes from one nap to the next!
I wish someone would have explained that to me before I had my first child. And also that all the parenting books are really more hurt than help. It takes living it to fully understand just the right parenting style for you as an individual AND your child as an individual.
I think often Moms get too caught up in themselves that they don’t see how others might need to live differently, or they get too caught up in what others are doing that they don’t even see their own mistakes or shortcomings.
Steph
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