Recently a blogger shared with us a link to another blog that put up reasons to be proud, or rather Flaunt your beliefs as a parent. I do not want to go under attack on this person, she responded very respectfully to my opinion on her post, but she isn’t the first person to put up a post like this, or the last, and I wanted to discuss it.
Where do you draw the line as a parent blogger? What are your beliefs and are they personal or do you believe you have to share or push them?
It took me many years and to come across many women to realize that parenting is something that happens to you that you experience as a sole person and only with the circumstances you are presented with at that moment. Your choice to breastfeed or not is not just influenced by what you think or thought, but how you feel, your abilities around you, your family, your friends, your child, your body, and a slew of other highly unpredictable situations. Your choice to attachment parent…same thing. Paci? Circumcision? Same thing. I could go on and on.
In fact, what you choose with one child, may not be the choice you have with the second, so I suppose we should all be careful not to put our foots in our mouths too much.What you believe before you have a child may change the moment they are placed in your arms.
Charlotte was a child with a paci. I was that parent. She was over 3 when we finally took it from her and it was because my DH put his foot down and made me. 2 days later it was but a memory. It was probably one of the hardest things we had to do as parents, therefore I don’t judge a parent with a child with a paci. I just smile and nod. I don’t know their circumstances. She is now a child with a blankie. I pick my battles and that is not one of them.
But when I responded to this blogger that I felt the post was a bit condescending and everyone should be proud of their choices no matter who they are, she responded “The point of this article is not to judge anyone that has made different choices than I have.”
However, I reread the article to make sure I felt that….and when I read this:
- Brag about how healthy your kids are as a result of breastfeeding and how you’re glad you’ll be breastfeeding through the whole cold season. Neither of my kids has been sick enough to need to see a doctor while still breastfeeding and my son who weaned 1.5 years ago has only been sick once since weaning.
- If another parent complains about how tired she is, tell her how well rested you are as a result of co-sleeping. Let her know that your baby wakes up less often as a result of being next to you and that you hardly wake up at all when you do need to tend to her needs.
- Effortlessly glide through crowds, saunter across rough surfaces, navigate your way through doors and up and down stairs easily, because you are using a baby carrier instead of a stroller.
- When your friend mentions needing to go and find somewhere to warm up a bottle while you are out shopping at the mall, say “you go ahead, if you don’t mind, I’ll just keep browsing the books while my baby nurses in the sling“.
Is it me, or do those things sound condescending to parents that either didn’t choose those choices or couldn’t choose them? They don’t feel proud to me. They feel rude. And if a “friend” acted high and mighty if I had to warm a bottle, I don’t really think she is a good friend. In fact, a good friend would say…let me come with you!
My response is:
- I didn’t breastfeed that long (breastfed 6 weeks, pumped a few months, formula fed the rest) but Charlotte has only been to the doctor outside of regular checkups one time in 4 years when she contracted the rotovirus during a move cross country. So formula didn’t warp her and turn her into a yellowing sickly child. She was very healthy. I guess we are on the same playing field there. Difference circumstances, different choice, same outcome.
- Also, I coslept till 9 weeks before I dropped her in her crib and I was well rested too…why? Cause she was in her own bed and I could roll around without being scared. I was always afraid I would roll over on her or something and I spent many sleepless nights because it. I also am a light sleeper and not listening to her rustle, was helpful for me.It made us both better people to NOT sleep together. She is, in fact, a flawless sleeper and at 4 years old, still takes a 2 hour nap in the day and sleeps from night till morning with no problems, and always has. She also gets up to use the bathroom on her own and tucks herself back in. I think we are on an even playing field there too… Difference circumstances, different choice, same outcome.
- Stroller? Well, I’m 5’1″ and weight 104. As soon as my child became 25% of my personal body weight, it got a bit difficult, and dangerous, to attach her to my body. I also liked having a stroller. I got to put all my shopping bags below, carry a lunch, and lean on something when I got tired. Again, difference circumstances, different choice, same outcome.
My point is that we are all experiencing the same results or we wouldn’t be doing them! One side isn’t more special and gets a cookie for Parent of the Year, kwim?
I wanted to bring in a new list, one that all parents can Flaunt.
1) Breastfeeding: Breastfeeding and bottle feeding have come a long way. Choose what is right for you. No matter what you do, someone is judging you. They will judged you for a breast out, they will judge you for a bottle out, so does it really matter? Its your personal choice, your personal research, your situation with your husband, child, and doctor. Your relationship with your child is a personal bond that will be created no matter how you feed your child. You love your child and they love you. Also, there will always be a formula fed baby with perfect health and a breastfed baby with terrible health and a breastfed baby with perfect health and a formula fed baby with terrible health. Get it?
2) Co sleeping- If you cant sleep cause your child is in bed with you, get them out. If you cant sleep cause your child is in another room, bring them in. Do what is right for your child, with those circumstances, at that time. Many countries cosleep till adulthood and many kick them out at 6 to get a job. There is no right, there is no wrong, there is only you.
3) Attachment parenting- Some swear by it, some rip it to shreds. I didn’t experience it but have friends that do and they seem the same amount of happy that I am. They love their child the same amount I love mine.
I could go on and on, my advice is still the exact same. Can we stop putting out information on the web that insults one section of the people and leaves the other out? Life is going to bring on a lot of judgments. Our cars, our homes, our jobs, our hair, if we mowed our lawn this week, if we went to college, if our kids went to college….do we really need to be bragging how we feed our child or how we sleep with our child or how we care for our family?
What we need to do is be supportive of ALL women, ALL mothers and lift them up. Isn’t it hard enough with a newborn then to have people making us second guessing our choices? The web is the worst for that. You go on to find something out about lets say epidural and you find 100 women that say they would have died from the pain without it and another 100 that claims your drugging your baby and your a terrible mom if you do it. Its almost impossible to even feel support anymore.
Here is what I want you to do for me. In the comments tell me something that you wish someone would have told you before you became a parent.
Mine would be….. I tried breastfeeding, pumping, and formula. I gave each one of these things several months before deciding what was right for my family. I have a happy, healthy child, I was a happy, healthy mom. My choices changed sometimes daily. I wish someone would have told me that I am not a failure for choosing one over the other and that if holding onto something makes me internally miserable, then to let it go.
You are NOT a failure. Even if the internet says so.
~Trisha
I breastfed, co-slept, and sling wore my daughter but I too found the original post to be condescending. My sister-in-law has a son the same age as my daughter, she bottle fed, used a crib and had 3 strollers. Both kids are happy, healthy, well adjusted kids, with happy, proud moms.
I agree. I think we have a lot in common, even our height.
Loved this post! I have a 14 month old and so many women feel like they can offer their advice to you and you should view it as the only true way.
As for breastfeeding, I truly wanted to do it for a year. It was not my favorite part of being a mother and due to an illness I had to stop at 6 months. I have to admit, I did feel guilty because so many people said I should. It’s one of the only times I ever have felt guilty. My little guy was on formula after wards and there have never been any repercussions. In fact, the only time he had to go to the doctor’s was when he was nursing. Go figure that one.
Anyway, my advice would be do what is best for you as a mother and for your family. What works for me will not necessarily work for you. I have no problem with my child crying it out to learn to sleep. Sure it broke my heart, but we are a much happier family now. A friend of mine could not endure that and she found a way to help her cope with sleeping. As mothers, I really feel we have insights into our children that no other person does. We need to follow those instincts and focus on being a mother to our children instead of criticizing others.
“In the comments tell me something that you wish someone would have told you before you became a parent.”
), and came back out on the porch. She then told me the single most useful bit of information I have ever heard…”Do you love him? When you look at your baby do you love him?” “OF COURSE!” “Do you like him right now? Do you like being a mom right now” I busted out bawling, even SHE could see what a horrible mom I was…”I hate being around him right now, I don’t hate him but I hate being around my own baby!” She put her arm around me and told me “You don’t always have to LIKE being around your kids honey…you always have to love them…always protect them and care for them, but you don’t always have to LIKE them…do you seriously think that I liked you ALL the time when you were growing up?! (insert laughter)” She went on to say that anyone who absolutely likes their children all the time either needs some help from men in white coats or they haven’t spent enough time being a parent (her words not mine…that is not a knock on people who enjoy their time with their kids, I enjoy it but I don’t always like their attitude or their screaming or their…ya know)
It is actually something that my grandma, who was basically my mom when I was young, told me shortly after I had my first baby that has helped me nearly every day since she told me…
I was an 18 yr old student and mom, my precious perfect 3 month old baby had colic (I can say “precious & perfect” now b/c this has been almost 14 yrs ago…at the time it probably would have come out as “demon possessed projectile vomiting imp” but that is a whole other story). My Mamaw lived a few blocks from me and we spent time together every day. This particular day, I was tired, I was flustered, I was frustrated, I was done being a mom already….I called Mamaw and told her I couldn’t take it, I knew I could never hurt my baby but after hours of holding this screaming squirming little mess I realized how bad things happen when people don’t know how to handle a situation or they don’t have someone like my Mamaw to turn to. I told her I was a complete failure as a mom and I just couldn’t do it (hubby worked every day so I rarely got a break from it). She asked if he was wet? hungry? something pinching him? any tags scratching him from his clothes? no…no….no…no (you get the gist) She told me to lay him down in his bed and walk outside on the porch, she would be over soon. I told her again how hard he was still crying and she told me as long as I had checked over him, he would be fine for the 5 minutes it took her to get to my house so I did what she said. When she got there, she checked on him, made him a “sugar tit” (I am sure to get ridiculed for that one
Knowing that not liking my kids (or my hubby or myself even) all the time doesn’t make me a horrible person has freed me up to know that “this too shall pass” and there are always WAY more good times than bad, but the bad times make me appreciate when things are going smoothly!
I think if it’s your blog you can post what you want. The main reason we post things is to create a discussion and get comments. I do think you have to be respectful of other people. For example, I think it is perfectly fine to write a post about how I chose not to breastfeed and why I thought it was such a great idea and why I support that decision without attacking someone who chooses the opposite. Does that make sense? Someone once told me that there is a big difference between having an opinion and being opinionated. I think she was very right!
I wish someone would have told me that I could buy all the books in the world and I would still have to figure out what works for best for us on my own. I also wish someone would have told me that mom friends are priceless, but can also be lethal. Choose your mom friends with caution.
It hasn’t been that long since I’ve been following your blog but I find myself getting more and more hooked.
I wish someone would have told me before I became a parent that EVERYONE would at one point give me some advice as to how I SHOULD be doing something differently.
I wish someone would have told me it’s o.k to do it your way. It doesn’t make you a bad parent.
My son used a Paci until 1 year old when everyone started telling me he was too old. I removed it and he started to Suck his thumb. He’s now 4yrs old and still sucks it sometimes to go to sleep. I should have kept the Paci. Oh, and he still love his blankie.
I never did co-sleeping and my oldest was sleeping 4-5 hours straight after 1 week.
I wish someone had told me exactly what you said! There is no “right” way. Do what works for you and your family. Ask for advice, if you want to, but don’t feel like you have to raise your child a certain way just because someone told you that was what worked for them.
I am a part of a group call MOPS (Mother’s of Preschoolers). It is a Christian based international organization that strives to get mom’s in touch with each other to form a support system. We have had several older women, mothers, who have come to speak and one theme that they all seem to share is, “Don’t do guilt.” Don’t make yourself feel guilty about the way you raise your kid. As long as you are doing your best to love them and care for them, they aren’t going to care 10, 15, 20 years form now whether or not you breast fed them or co-slept with them. They are just going to remember being loved and cared for. We’re all human, we’re all going to mess up, we just have to do the best we can as moms.
Fantastic post! I chose not to breastfeed for very long too. My son was my first. He was the healthiest child and still is. He is also in the top of his class. My daughter was my second and my breastmilk actually kept her in the hospital for “breastmilk jaundice” – she went through so much and the hospital staff kept telling me to breastfeed. Breast is best they would tell me. Little did they know it was making her terribly sick. I cringe when I think of it. It’s best to do what’s right for you and your family. Thank you for your thoughts Trisha. I completely agree.
I breastfed both of mine for a year. My daughter was sick all. the. time. She had a month-long ear infection that finally resulted in her getting tubes in her ears.
My son is rarely sick. Although he did get rotavirus at three months. Before he’d ever set foot in a daycare setting or tasted a drop of formula. He was ready to give up breastfeeding before he was one, but I pushed it. It wasn’t fun those last couple of months. Maybe I should have let it go, but I wasn’t ready.
I don’t (and never did, hopefully never will) sleep with my kids. I need my sleep, and I’m just too aware of them in the room, much less in the bed. I’m afraid that I’ll roll over on them (which happens frequently) and hurt or suffocate them. Hubs had to work a case when that’s exactly what happened. A Mom and Dad were asleep, one of them rolled over and blocked the baby’s face. When they woke up the next morning after a long night’s sleep, baby was dead. Sad, but it happens. I’d rather not be a part of that statistic. I wouldn’t have them sleeping in a bassinet next to the bed or attached to the bed, either. But that’s just because I hear every tiny sound they make and wake up. I’m a better mom when I get a few hours sleep, then walk across the house to get them and feed them, then get a few more hours. For me it’s better than dozing for a few minutes, until I’m awakened by them snoring or snuffling or just making baby noises.
I don’t wear them, because honestly, I’d rather fight with a stroller than have an aching back. Maybe that’s not part of the equation (I don’t know; I’ve never tried it), but I also like having a place for drinks/snacks/shopping bags, too.
I certainly don’t look down on anyone whose choices aren’t the same as mine.
As long as they’re loving and caring for their children the best they can, that’s all anyone should ever expect.
That breastfeeding is hard. I remember crying for the first 3 days because I couldn’t get it. I remember thinking that I must be a total failure because my baby didn’t naturally latch 5 minutes after I gave birth.
I wish someone could put into words the unconditional love that you will have for your child. Motherhood brings out so many emotions. Happy, sad, fear, guilt. Its a rollercoaster.
And people probably told me but I can’t say it enough. When it comes to your child trust your instincts.
When my son broke his leg, my instinct was to take him immediately to the hospital. But I let everyone including my doctor’s office talk me into waiting, coming in to the office, going for xrays, going to the nearby hospital, then being transferred to children’s hospital only to find out the leg was broke. Then I almost let child services and the ER doctors doubt the care he recieve at day care. But I stuck to my guns and my instincts.
I wish someone would have told me that you can’t screw up as a parent as long as you keep them fed, clean, safe, and that you show them all the love you can.
I felt like a failure because I couldn’t deliver my daughter naturally. I felt like a failure because I couldn’t breastfeed. I felt like a failure because for the first 2 months in our new home Evie slept in her carseat next to our bed. But then I realized that none of it mattered. She was happy, healthy and growing. I am succedding as a new mom.
I wish I had been told how lonely being a mom can sometimes be. I forget how to have an adult conversation sometimes!
I also wish someone had told be how important it is for moms to do things for them sometimes. It’s OK to have a girls night out, or take a class, or something that is just you. Keep your identity as a person, and add onto that as a mom. Don’t let being a mom take over you so much that you forget who you were.
This is a great discussion. I love when these come up…
Although, since I adopted my son at 10 months, it was not an option for me to breastfeed. I tried to wear him for awhile as I read that was good for bonding; but he wanted out. I think maybe all those months in a crib and he just wanted to be in the world on his own.
The co-sleeping, really I did not even consider it. I feel like my room is mine and my DH private place… I did not want to start something that I maybe could not or would not want to finish down the line. To be honest, I punted on many decisions.
I was so unsure … you can read one book and decide one thing is right…then go somewhere else and read a different book and get the entire opposite opinion… so I say I punted.
My son *knock wood* has never been sick.
Not once. (it amazes me ‘cuz I have been sick plenty.. lol)
He has since the first day we brought him home, slept in his own bed…all night. We have so totally bonded, even though I missed his first 9 months.
I am so lucky.
We all have healthy and happy children … that are so loved… we get to online “fight” about what is best for them. How awesome is that? I think about the kids that dont have any moms to flaunt/ fight/ discuss.
We all got to this place through many different methods.. none right or wrong… just different….and that is something I wish someone told me. That there would be this whole world..this whole club of moms that I would now belong. We fight, we flaunt, we love and we learn…each differntly…everyday.
I think that is great.
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