My mother in law drives me nuts. I love her, but I don’t get her at all.
When my DH and I started dating, she hated me flat out. I was…not good enough for her boy. *snort* She even tried to talk him out of marrying me, after we had only been dating about, I don’t know, 6 years? Yeah. Ok. And it was about 3 months before our wedding. SOOO TACKY. And pointless.
Well, lets just see who won THAT little battle, right?
Years into our marriage, she realized, hey, you DONT suck, in fact, I may like you a little better then I like my own son some days. Im in good graces after being ostracized for 6-8 years. Whatever, Ill take it. But because of all that time, I never felt 100% completely comfortable with her. It always seems contrived in a way to be around her.
Then, dum dum dum dummmmmmmm, I get the pleasure of moving in with her for a few months with Charlotte after we got out of the military, before we had closed on our home. It wasn’t that bad after we found a rhythm to it, but it was still a long, long time, since DH was living in Alabama and Charlotte and I were living in Florida.
Now let me back up and say that they live on the Panhandle of Florida. Dh and I lived in Tampa for about 5 years, which is approx. 8 hours from them. We saw them on holidays. I think they came down twice in 5 years..once on the way through to something, and once for our graduation of college. Then we moved To Texas with the military for a year (so about 15 hours from them…hell, maybe more, its just damn far). So no visits either. Then we moved to South Carolina for 4 years, about 10 hours from them. I think we saw them once or twice in those 4 years (and one of those was when Charlotte was born). Then we moved to Ohio for a few years, and they never came there either.
Fine. They don’t travel anywhere we have lived. Its only been like 12 years, not too long. Right? But I figured that would all change when Charlotte was born.
When we got out of the military, we could have moved ANYWHERE. We chose to move to Mobile as there was an immediate job opportunity and it was only ONE HOUR from both of our parents houses. Maybe an hour 15 minutes. We wanted Charlotte to know her grandparents. We took a 20K pay cut.
Do you know that in the 8 months we have lived here that we have seen them about 3 times at our house? Once we asked them to come watch Charlotte when we first moved in and needed to go buy new mattresses (we lost ours in that fire) back in March. Once we asked them to come down in like May so we could go car shopping and once they have dropped her off after we left her up at their house for the weekend.
They don’t invite us over, they don’t stay here, they don’t come over, and they never ever ever ask to see their granddaughter. The only time they see her is if we FORCE them/guilt them and we HAVE to drive up there to their house. If we call to see what they are doing, they have plans, they have to do the yard, they have to mow..hell, wash their hair, i don’t know. Even if we try to plan weeks ahead, we are told “we will have to see what we are doing that weekend.”
What is the deal? Do any of you have grandparent/in laws that have no inherent desire to spend time with their grandchild? Or am I just lucky.
I understand what your going through, but my story is really pathetic. The MIL couldnt wait to have a grandchild, she was born in 12/07, she didn’t come to the hospital and has been full of excuses ever since. She lives 5 freakin minutes away and basically, she is jealous of the grandbaby now because it has taken her son’s attention away from her, she has always been very needy of him and now she doesn’t know how to get his attention. For the last 16 months she has had every medical excuse in the book to not be able to see her grandchild but watches another baby everyday that is 18 months old. I can’t stand the woman, we were very close for 10 years prior to my daughters birth and now she hates me because I called her out on her bull crap. Of course, it’s all my fault, now my husband wants to know why I can’t take her to see his mom and I refuse, she hasn’t made any effort, why should I? My mom works 12 hours a day and makes sure every Thursday she comes to see her. His mother doesnt even work and lives 5 mins away. And this is my fault? I have tried to let it go, but now that it has been 3 months that her doctor supposedly said she couldnt be around her grandbaby, (no specific reason cause he said so but she continued to watch the other baby) this week MIL can see her so I made an attempt, called her said meet us at the park, sat there for 2 hours no call, no show. My husband gets home from work and says my mom called and said she fell asleep, she tried to call you. That is BS she didnt call me, she made the plans with me she can call me to cancel not him. That is him defending her!! Anybody have any suggestions, it is her lose and I dont care if I ever see here again but because my husband is brainwashed by her and her guilt trips, this continues to be my fault.
My dad is somewhat the same way. He generally doesn’t make much effort to visit us. He has had two opportunities in the past three months to fly out to CA to see us; both times we offered to cover his airfare, but he declined because he “wasn’t ready” to travel (he’s retired). He does, however, ask when we are coming back to the East Coast. He seems to enjoy being around our children, but he just doesn’t put out the effort to come see them himself; my husband and I have to provide the impetus and bring our family to his side of the States. I sometimes resent that we have to do the work to unite our children with their other relatives.
This is really odd to me. I can’t imagine. Of course my parents, grandparents, everyone lives within 15 minutes of my house so we see everyone ALL the time. If my grandmother doesn’t see Cameron for more than about 36 hours, she is calling wanting to know if we are sick or something.
I’m sorry. I have the same problem with my dad although he lives 3 hours away. He’s been to our house once since we moved in. We always have to go see them. I know gas prices are high or were a lot higher…but they could at least call or return my calls. I tried calling them every week for 4 weeks and they never called me back. It really irritates me because I know my step-mom is always on the phone with her daughters,her mom and her brother. I honestly just want to give up and say “It’s your loss”.
Im really sorry that your IL dont come by to see charlotte, i dont know what thats like, my IL are the complete opposite. Sometimes (my MIL not FIL) is too much, but its okay, as long as shes there for them and for me, i can handle it. Im sure chartlotte gets a lot of love from you and chris!
My inlaws live literally 1 1/2 minutes in the car (ive timed it before) We see them if not everyday, then every other day. When my kids were first born, they were over everyyyyy evening, my MIL even slept over for about 3-4 months just through the nights, I loved the help, my MIL is there whenever we need her, shes an amazing woman, onyl problem was when my kids were first born, she did everything, told me what not to do how to do things ect, sometimes they are too involved, but i cant imagine my life if they werent here. She calls daily to see how they are doing, what new skill or word they have learned, wha t they have eaten ect.. She has had my DS sleep over a few times(bc he was on the bottle)/ taken me to sppts, se rushes over if my kids are sick. She stop by to deliever soup or a tupperware of something she has made that my kids will enjoy. Shel go out of her way to do something for my kids, heck when she goes shopping she ALWAYS buys them something whether its a toy. or socks, boots or even an outfit. She has 10 other grandkids and she cant go a day without seeing them. its great, it is, but you know, sometimes u need some space.
My parents are in michigan, about 6 hours away in a PLANE. my mom and dad have only seen my klds when they were first born, my 2 brothers have each made 2 trips out here andhave seen them, I have yet to visit tehm in michigan, but once i can go i will be on the first plane, My mom has cried to me b4 cause she wants to see them so badly, but itsnto easy for her to buy a ticket and come, shes working and tickets arent cheap! My mom will sit for hours on the phone with me, My mom will ask to talk to my DS and DD, and they sit and talk to for a bit, all i here is my kidsasking for icecream candy and dora LOL but my mom loves to hear their voices, i am constantly sending video and pictures onlone to them.
Holy i didnt mean to write out thsi much!!
I feel your pain, my parents adore my kids ( but favor my son over my daughter and it upsets me) and my MIL is always to drunk to know who my kids are.
I just get sick when I read stories like yours,I have step children that have babies an live 1200 miles away,an we count the days when we can drive to see them,I love those babies so much,an my daughters kids too,to me they are basically the same,im sure they probably dont see it that way,but I do,I sent packages to the ones up North,(that are my step grandchildren)an call everyweek,frankly I cant understand an grandparent not wanting to spend time with their grandchild regardless of how they feel about the parent,in a word STUPID!I have 4 grandchildren an one on the way in Dec 25,an love,love them all,an would just die if anyone of them felt the least bit unloved by me,2 an soon to be 3 of them live 1200 miles away an we are planning 3 trips to see them next year,an in between will be just because I love you packages an whatever else we need to do to feel connected,my heart goes out to you,an shame on any Grandparent who would treat their grandchild that way!
I feel your MIL pain. My MIL shows no interest in my daughters. She doesn’t show up for b-day parties or pop over for visits and we only live 30 minutes from her. I dread the holidays because she always twists it into some crazy ugly scene, like we don’t want to spend time with her. I have stopped trying to figure the woman out and let my DH deal with her. Thankfully, my parents act like real loving grandparents and are more than willing to be part of my children’s lives.
I know you want your MIL to WANT to be part of you daughter’s life, but you have to let it go and stop forcing the issue. Some day she will regret what she missed out on, but unfortunately, it will be too late. Years from now, when Charlotte is grown, the tables will turn and Charlotte will not want anything to do with her grandmother.
I only wish. Living with an in-law (like, semi-permanently, with no end date in sight) is not any easier than having them be so distant. I’m not a big fan of unsolicited parenting advice or of confrontation so we all walk a fine line. I spend a lot of time trying to see it from her point of view, whether or not she’s doing the same I couldn’t say.
I can only wish you luck with your situation. Charlotte is getting a lot of love either way so try not to stress about it too much.
My MIL has a great desire to see her grandchildren. She lives an hour and 45 minutes away, but for years she just expected us to drive to her. I always stood my ground and said that she had to come to us at least some of the time. Now that we have 3 little ones, I am pretty firm about it. How do you explain to two 21mos olds that they need to be strapped in a carseat for two hours?
Your story sounds all too familiar. My mother in law HATES me. She plays nice when my hubby is around but what is that saying “actions speak louder than words.” I brought a child into this marriage and at the time my in laws had no “biological” grandchildren. They welcomed my son, who by the way they had known since he was a baby, with open arms. Then guess what happened? Their first “biological” grandchild was born. EVERYTHING changed. My son was basically pushed to the curb, which has caused lots of friction. In my opinion he should be treated no differently than the other grandkids. It is so frustrating, but I have come to look at it as their loss! He’s a great kid and they are missing out….not me!