I have been on the Internet since college. I mean, back then, computers were still in black screens and green words, but we still knew our way around Prodigy and AOL. A few years into my college career, computers seemed to explode and all sorts of things were really just day to day life. so quickly. Computers were not $800 anymore, and people were very publicly opening chatrooms, forums, websites, and more. From porn sites to sites that simply share family photos, whatever your wish, it was available. The dotcom revolution was born. The fascination with online life hit the world and the world has never looked back.
Then we had the onset of Myspace, which really brought forth quick and immediate networking, picture sharing, and a personal narcissistic world where everything was about what you put out there. Complete with your “Top 8″ friends, which caused a whirlwind of controversy if you were downgraded from #5 to #8. Friendships now became apparent on the forefront of every site out there, you could let your best friend know you were mad at her, you could remove pictures of someone, or blog about them. Then comes facebook, twitter, plurk…instant ways to just get what you have to say out in one fair swoop. They can be used to reach gobs of people at once for advertising, talking, sharing, and more. Its brilliant, really.
In such a fast paced world, we spend more time sitting here in front of our screens then out in public, and its a great way to connect and exchange ideas..and fast.
I say all this to get to my point. Oh, yes, I have a point. I have a facebook account. Its small, personal, I have only had it a few weeks and have a whopping 22 ‘friends’. Honestly, this is more then I really have that are super close to me, but somehow just having “2″ friends on there seemed sad and pathetic. I know most of the people on there either personally or are family, and a few of my blog buddies from here have found me, and one or two from High School (totally separate blog there). Here is where it gets tricky. I let my sister in law on there as a “friend”. I have my profile private but i didn’t think it would be a big deal if she saw something I wrote or something someone wrote on my site. After all, she is nearly 30 years old..right? And, you can basically see my entire life here if you want…its not like I hide a lot.
Last night I had a fight with my MIL. It wasn’t really a fight, it was, she was wrong and I was totally ticked. I am so so so sick of trying to get her to come here to spend time with us. Easter Sunday? She chose to work after we invited her over. Thanksgiving? She gave us SO much crap about coming here, but as it was, we had to cancel our dinner due to my parents having to leave town, and we moved our hosting to Christmas. She knew we had Christmas planned here and the family was invited. Its our first Christmas in 10 years that we have been home, and its DH and I’s first one in this home. Especially with last years fire, I wanted to make this year special.
It was important to me. I wanted to host, for the first time ever, a holiday at my house and invite my husbands family and my family over for a nice, large, holiday where everyone got together, cooked, watched football, and opened presents. I mean, I’m taking on all the work here with the cooking! Then during thanksgiving, she tells us SHE is hosting Christmas at her house. Basically, we can come there if we want, but no one from DHs family will be at our house. This is after I have invited all the people at the thanksgiving table already, and she already knew for weeks our change from Thanksgiving to Christmas. In fact, we have been talking about hosting a holiday for 8 months now.
I felt so insulted, undermined, hurt. And you know, I cant even figure out why she wouldn’t just come here for Christmas. I can tell you what…we will NOT be going to her house. She said its “too much for everyone else to drive to our house”…we live ONE hour from her house, and some of those that would be coming, we are an hour closer for them as it is.
We drove over to Mississippi, one day after we got back from our Disney trip, to celebrate thanksgiving with DHs family. And no one in the family has said they wouldn’t come, she is speaking on behalf of them. Instead of working with me to invite everyone and see who can come, she just plans it at her house instead, and then we hear about it as an afterthought. And my other point is, who CARES if the other 45 people don’t show up at our house and have other plans. Then my parents and DHs parents come and spend Christmas with their kids and their grandchild. See why I am mad?
Back to the original point. Last night, on my private facebook, I filled in that “what are you doing” real time message on Facebook. It said “Trisha is…” and I wrote “Furious at my Mother in Law”. Then my sister in law saw it and commented and said “I don’t think personal issues should go on facebook”. Oh, hell. First off, not really a “personal issue”, I doubt Im the only person in the universe dealing with a mother in law at that moment and 2nd, my facebook was private except for a few people, but since she was privy to it, she called….you guessed it, my mother in law and told her that I was talking crap about her for the “world” to see. You can imagine how well THAT went over. Plain and simple, old people dont understand social networking, private, public, whatever. But really, its sorta my right to say what I want, when I want, and to whom I want. Im still trying to figure out what I did wrong to get “tattled” on.
So now, the whole thing has been turned into a HUGE fight and been turned on us….all for wanting our families together for the holiday and then venting about being insulted over it. Ill say one good thing probably came out of it. Atleast she truly knows how ticked I am about the whole thing.
I love my mother in law, and i love my father in law, but at some level, they have to put some genuine effort into remembering that we are parents too, we have obligations too, and we dont want to be afterthoughts. Its not just about us doing what they want all the time, but they have to meet us half way. When I was growing up, I spent a ton of time with my grandmother. Because of this, we have an amazing relationship. I talk to her almost every day, even if its for only 5 minutes. In the 15 years I have known my DH, I have seen him pick of the phone to his grandparents maybe 10 times and I can honestly say that those are usually holidays. There is something about spending time with your family that makes you close.I wanted that for Charlotte, but Im sick of forcing people to spend time with her.
Back to my other, other point. I dont feel like I did anything wrong by venting to a few people about how I felt about it last night. I do think it was wrong for my sister in law to take something off my private page and “tell” on me. I mean, im not kidding when I say that my DH was fighting back tears he was so hurt at his mom, and I was just angry in general. Apparently, my sister in law thinks that not all “22 people” needed to know I was mad at my MIL.
Your right. All 50K that visit this blog monthly need to know. I was holding back. Thanks for pointing it out.
~Trisha
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yeah i’d be pissed to. and i wouldn’t hold back either. it’s my page and i’ll say what i want. and it’s not like you went into specifics as to why you’re mad! but i go thru the same shit almost daily. my dad and step mom haven’t been to kentucky to see us since our wedding in June 2007! I have been up there 3 times. I am 6.5 hours away, with 3 small kids, and *I* have to make the point to go out of state to visit family. so I see your point and understand why you are mad. hell, my SIL lives literally 5 miles away and we haven’t seen them and visited since my neice’s birthday party in APRIL!
That’s rough. I’d be kind of upset about the tattling, too. Not to mention going behind your back and planning the other party. That’s ridiculous. Sometimes it takes in-laws a LONG time to realize they’re not the priority anymore, and shouldn’t be. You have your own family traditions to establish. Go with your party. If they come, great. If not, their loss.
I can see both sides of it, so it is hard. I know I wouldn’t want my dh to tell his friends if we were fighting, it’s between us. So I can see how someone would get upset about something like that.
I know EXACTLY how you feel. I had to go through something similar with my MIL on Thanksgiving. Something that wasn’t my fault ended up causing an argument between my husband and I. I’m still really upset about the whole thing. It’s a shame what happens when people are not considerate.
I hope you can get everything worked out.
Okay, so here’s my thinking of the situation. I have facebook too and put whatever i want up there…because like my blog its mine. My page is also private. I had a problem w/ a coworker showing other co workers who were not on facebook stuff on my page. She used the line “well you put it on the internet for the world to see.” Actually, no i didnt. I put it on my personal private page that i chose to share with you. Not for you to share it with everyone else. So i totally feel where your coming from. Your sil shouldnt really care what you put on there b/c seriously, who doesn’t fight w/their mil. she shouldnt take it so personally and run and tattle on you. Also, its not like you named her and went bashing her or anything. I say, if you dont like what i have to say, then stay off my page!
((HUGS))
Don’t ya love family? We fall in the same boat only with my family. Evidently we’re the ones with 2 small kids who need to travel 5 1/2 hours to see them. I’m to the “whatever” point myself.
Yikes. I know that kind of thing sucks and I know that it probably seems really frighteningly horrible right now but, if it was me, I would shrug it off. Say something like, “Hey, I’m a human being. Human beings have emotions and anger is one of them. I was mad at you just like you are mad at me. That’s the way it goes.” It’s all really perfectly understandable, it’s the accusing and apologizing and pointing fingers that makes it feel so crappy. So say your piece and don’t feel bad about it for one second, babe. You had every right to say it then and you have every right to say it now.
And, hey, if you really want people to come over for Christmas I’m sure there are plenty of gals on here who would rather not cook.
We’re kind of like family, right? 
Oye. Family. Holidays. Isn’t it such a frustrating (and inevitable) contradiction when the two don’t go together?
As for the facebook thing. Um, yeah, facebook is personal. That’s the whole point! You should be able to vent anything you want there (as opposed to blogging where sometimes you have to be more selective). Don’t be afraid…use that “ignore” button next time!
Sounds to me like she was in on all the nonsense and wanted to make sure that she caused a big enough rift that your MIL would be certain not to come. I’d stick with your original plan and re-extend the invitation to everyone and serve the ones who come. All you can do is make sure you leave the door open for her should she come around and (after a cool down!) be prepared to forgive both of them. In the meantime I’d be hard pressed not to block the old SIL from the page!
Trisha,
I come from a home where my mom FOUGHT on a daily basis for her parents and siblings to want to spend time with me and my brothers. Apparently we weren’t worth the effort. The end result? I was dragged to family get togethers, every single holiday together was forced and felt super tense. I eventually grew up and found out on my own that I was clearly not a priority to any of them. It broke my heart but my parents eventually gave up and made our holidays just the five of us (my parents, my two brothers and me). My grandparents didn’t come and still don’t. My aunts and uncles probably don’t even know how I old I am now. But… my parents made it a point to be absolutely certain we felt loved and our time together to this day is still amazing. Our family has grown. All three of us are married now. Some of us have kids and we’re making certain the new grandkids in this family never, EVER feel the way we did. I hope Charlotte’s family come around. I wish mine had, but if they don’t…. TRULY their loss. Your holiday will still be amazing because you and Chris will be sure it is nothing less. And as far as your facebook, keep speaking your mind. That’s just who you are! Why change for her now?
I’m sorry Trisha…been there though and know exactly what you’re going through. Me and my husband both feel that we have OUR family and while we try to accommodate the rest of the family when we can, it’s important to create our own traditions in our own home.
I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. Some people are just so immature and family is the worst. I think we all have a tattle tell in our families. You just state your peace/side and move on. As long as you and your husband have eachother’s back, then you’ll be okay. People get more stubborn as they get older by the way;)
:console: what is family without the drama? :console: