My husband and I met in 6th grade. He said that he liked my new pencil case , I told him to “Shut-up.” Well, at least that is what he says happened, I (thankfully) have no recollection of that conversation. We started “dating” in 8th grade which quickly ended with us rolling each others homes and making several crank calls. Hey, it was 8th grade. We became friends again in 10th grade and tried dating again junior year of high school…..and we have been together since!
Our engagement photo
We were married in April of 2000 after almost 10 years of dating (finally!). My point, and I do have one, is that we knew each other VERY well before we were married. We had discussed how we would handle finances and eventually a family. We were on the same page on every single topic. In 2003, we decided to adopt a puppy as our “training” to be parents. After one year of puppy parenthood (and 4 years of marriage), we decided we were ready to be real human parents!
Lily Catherine was born on January 31, 2005 and suddenly we were thrown into a world that no amount of “puppy-training” could have prepared us for. Don’t get me wrong, we LOVE being parents (so much that we had a second child last year), but you have to admit, your marriage changes once a baby comes into the picture.
I was shocked (and somewhat comforted) to learn in a recent study that 90% of couples admit that their relationship with their significant other was worse after having their first baby! Despite the fact that my husband and I could finish each other’s sentences, we still ran across parenting issues that we had not thought to discuss. I am in no way stating that my marriage is in jeopardy, but we have definitely had to take communication advice from a variety of places.
I have found that a great resource for relationship communication for both expecting couples and new parents. Expecting Words is a blog that tackles challenging pregnancy topics and provides useful information for expecting couples on how to communicate through the decision making process of a relationship. It “will cover everything from ‘how to complain with impact when you’re not getting the support you need’ to ‘how to explain your baby blues’.” I have also found some great articles providing couples activities that will help open the lines of communication.
My husband and I will make it….no doubt about it. We are both committed to our marriage and communication has always been one of our strong suits. Having our daughters has definitely changed our lives. We relish the good times and overcome the bad. All in all, I wouldn’t change a thing!
Has having a baby changed your marriage at all?
~Bridgette
this article is a flashback from MomDot 2009/Guest Writer
I was instant Mom when I married my husband because he had full custody of his eight year old son. He had been raising him on his own for two years. Yet, I think the first few years of our marriage would have been easier if we hadn’t had a child in the picture. We both definitely had different styles of parenting, which lead to some difficult times in the first few years of marriage. We even went to family counseling for a few months at one point to work through some issues.
Yes it has…but not in a negative way until more recently…when that first baby became strongly entrenched in the TEENS! OMG the stress and lack of communication, intimacy, and being on the same page. We are smart enough to know what kids because…so 3 kiddos is it for us!
I really can’t say whether it did or didn’t because I was already pregnant when we got married. In fact, we had our son just 4 months after we got married, so there really was no life before kids.
I can say this…seeing my husband with our children has made me love him in ways I never imagined I could. I get to see a side of him that without kids would never have been present.
OH YES having a baby changed our marriage! Although it was not our first baby together – it was the second one. First biological one. You see my husband met me when I was pregnant and a single mother of one little girl age 3. I was a single mom & pregnant, however, I owned my house and was very happy. We ended up being friends who fell in love and he adopted that baby I was pregnant with – after getting consent from the biological father. When our first “biological” baby together was born it changed us, but I think it was more so because we had just adjusted to having our first “baby” being some what independent. We never had any questions raising the boys, although now with two in diapers – one being 3 in August and the other being 1 in August – it has certainly put us through a lot of “tests”. Luckily we are able to communicate and we are committed to each other & our marriage so this will work out! It’s tough, and babies do change a lot! BUT they also can make you rise above the challenge and fall in love with each other all over again
Having kids didn’t hurt our marriage at all, actually I think that it strengthen it. Of course we got married expecting to be together forever, but having kids just solidified this. As a child of divorce (my parents separated when I was 4) I know what it feels like to constantly know what it is like to have parents fighting, and apart, so I strive to make a solid family. Don’t get me wrong, of course we still have our disagreements (or all out fights), but not in front of the kids.
Maybe my hubby and I are just different- we met at 21, married at 23, and had our first son at 25, but we both have always wanted to be married with children. For me, I want a stable family that I never had as a child and for my hubby, he wants a family to love and cherish. Children have enriched our marriage because they have allowed us to be a Family!
Nan wrote:
i think its very honest for you to put out there!! I bet a lot of moms feel that way.
Hey Bridgette! Great article! We were on the fence about having kids, and then decided to do it. The word needs to get out there that if you’re on the fence about having kids, you probably shouldn’t. Our marriage is perfectly fine, but kids zap all my energy, we have no help and we can’t do things we had thought we would. Maybe its because we’re older (over 40 w/#1)? My preference would be to keep dh and divorce the kids. (not looking to get slammed here, just being honest)
I have three boys. The youngest is severaly disabled. The divorce rate for families with a special needs child seems to be some where around 80%…not good.
Having a child always changes your focus. A lot of your time and emotions go in to your children and your spouse gets whatever is left.
When we had our special needs guys, we have never been so emotional, spiritually or physically drained. But we have to work through it all.
For us when we married we married with children. I brought 2 children into the marriage 1 from a previous and 1 adopted.
My husband swore we’d never have children together. He never wanted them.
Zipp through 5 yrs …2 boys and a co-sleeping tribe later. We have had difficulties and it all starts with parenting and rules. WE have to agree to disagree sometimes but in no way do I love him any less. All days are not easy and the one thing we can agree upon is that having couple time ALONE is always a MUST. WE do DATE night 2days a month. THAT saves us.
and a bit of sneakin about for couple time.
Kids actually helped our marriage. For the first year of our marriage my husband was still in “bachelor” mode and we struggled quite a bit. He wasn’t quite getting the picture of married life. When we had our son though, we both grew up a lot. He really matured and things got much better. Sure we have had many struggles along the way but I still look back and wonder how I got through that first year of marriage.
I don’t think it necessarily hurts a marriage. I think it changes it. Before kids the relationship is focused on serving the spouse. After kids it is focused on serving the kids and supporting the spouse in doing the same. The focus of the relationship changes becuase it now has another working part.
This of course happens with time as well. As life moves on priorities change. Career takes a step up, kids take a step up, finances take a step up, etc. That tends to push the intimacy down because stress cripples it somewhat. That is why evenings and/or weekends alone every once in a while are so important. They help to rekindle the flame and make the marriage an important part of the whole relationship/partnership.
I love this post… thank you so much! I’m glad I know I’m not alone. My hubby and I are doing fine… don’t get me wrong, but thing do get more strssful with children. We were raised differently so we want to raise our kids differently… problem do arise! Anyway thank you!
Thank you so much for sharing this study and blog. I am a new parent and sometimes I wonder what happened to my marriage! My husband is terrific, and still, we battle over the little things lately. Thanks for letting me know that this is normal. I believe we will get through it and come out stronger.
Absolutely…we had been together 11 years before our son was born. My had been married for 7, dated for 4 prior.
Angry Toddler was planned. We went through almost 2 years of trying before he was born.
The baby years were awesome. We were prepared for everything. The hardest time has been from 18 monnths or so, till now. We have a son who was diagnosed last year with ADHD and OCD. I’ve been researching everything on how to deal with this. Angry Husband has not. We have a lot of conflicting ideas on how to deal with behavior, discipline, etc.
I think we fight over parenting issues more than money now.
Well, technically we got married after we had a baby, but our relationship did improve after he was born. It was amazing to see us as a family unit, to cement things more, to see my husband become a father and awesome daddy, it was better for me than before baby.
I think that having children adds stress to any relationship not just marriage but family. I find that I get loads of mommy advice from family that is unwanted and so that has added stress to those relationships also.
We got married when I was 19 so of course I’m not the same person I was then. And I got preggers only 4 months after we were married. SURPRISE!!! That I think has a lot to do with our issues. Our marriage has suffered, we have our issues and most of them come down to the kids. I do things one way he does the polar opposite. I say one thing and he says another. We didn’t discuss everything that we should have before we had kids…most of the issues we never even thought of. I need a partner/husband and father to work WITH me and not against! We are working through our problems and hopefully will come out of it stronger.
I didn’t think having a kid would impact us, but it has. We chose when to have our first daughter, but I think we have become so rolled up in being mom and dad that we have forgotten about being a husband or wife. We really need to schedule regular dates with each other.
We are both committed to our marriage too, so we will make it, but things change- people change when you have a kid.
I read somewhere in my oldest son’s first year that most couple experience a rough patch during the baby’s first 18 months. It was true with both our kids. Things were pretty bad during our oldest’s first 2 years, but we had a ton of other things going on besides having our first child. We came out the other side ok, and we knew what to expect the 2nd time. With our 2nd son, things weren’t nearly as bad. The first few months I was really sleep deprived, but we were in a place outside of being parents where my husband could help more and we could still work on us as a couple and that helped a lot.
i dont think having a baby hurt our marriage at all….i suppose we are one of the lucky ones? Then again, we CHOSE to get pregnant, so i know many just get pregnant unprepared.
trisha
This is WONDERFUL. I needed this today sooo much. I am off to read that. Thank you again.