Moms are possibly the most brilliant and evil creatures on the face of the planet. The minute a child comes sliding out of our vagina’s, we turn into a bossy, my way is right, and your way sucks opinionator.
Unless you were like that before, then kudos to you.
But I’m specifically talking about the major debates that are prevalent in the 1000s of generated discussions online. Breast feeding or Not , preschool or not, circumcision or not..all clearly personal decisions that can only be dictated by your truth and experiences.
For isn’t it true that what we are living is the right way no matter which way it is? Think about it. Its deep.
I can guarantee to you that I will never care if you decide to whip your boob out for 2 years or 2 weeks, or if you choose to lop some skin off your childs penis. I certainly would never be passionate enough about it to dictate that you are wrong.
However, my absolutely favorite argument that goes on is Stay at Home Mom versus Working Mom. Its the “mother” of all fights, even for moms that work in jobs relating to medical billing. The one that gets everyone hot under the collar and what internet dreams are made of. If you are a traffic monger, nothing is going to send you more trolls and traffic then making an inflammatory, accusatory statement on your beliefs with this subject.
I used to know a girl that firmly believed if you were a working mom, you were pretty much the scum of the earth. It horrified her so much that just talking to someone that worked out of the home was as bad as shaking hands with a person with open sores on their hand and a sign around their neck that said “I have AIDS”.
She believed that a moms only duty was to be home, to cook, and probably to bend over 6 out of 7 days a week for her husband.
I am sure in pearls and an apron.
On the flip side, I have known moms that work by choice. Oh, horror of horrors to some. They drop their kids off at daycare and with a jump, hop, and a skip, head off to work and swear that their kids are gaining a valuable education and learning responsibility from watching parents earn outside the home, not to mention the social skills of interaction.
Let me tell you why these arguments piss me off.
Everyone leaves out ME.
I am work at home parent.
Some say..that is the best of both worlds! Oh, sure, and the WORST. The grass isn’t always greener, sometimes its blue, or pink, or has cat throw up on your last order sheet. You haven’t lived till your office doors are closed and you see the faces of your daughter and husband peering in at you through the window pane asking you to “stay home from work today”.
And other mothers, they don’t understand. Both sides of the spectrum look down on you. I fit in no where. I get cross-eyed glazed over blank faces if I try to explain my days. I can’t nod my head in agreement with the stay at home mom that spends her days wiping butts and baking cakes. I cant even remember to set a timer most days and its all I can do to not burn the house down before my insurance forgets about the last time I burned my house down.
I have no lunch dates. No bonus check. No Christmas parties. No meetings.
I wear jogging pants to work, not suits.
I am the shipper, the marketer, the website designer, the customer service agent, the product developer, the assembler…I am also the mom, the lunch maker, the nap putter-downer, the sippy cup getter, the barbie player, the bath time maker, the clean the kitchener, and the switch the laundry-er.
In a world where moms create outcasts based on their choices, I am the ultimate misfit, because I fit in neither argument.
I can tell you that it makes me smile though. I am blessed that I am here when my daughter wants to read a book, or snuggle on the couch, I am the one that feels the success of a “job well done” email from a customer, and a kiss on the cheek from my husband as he passes through.
And while I cant always “call into work sick”, I can stumble downstairs in my PJs, skip the deodorant, put on some coffee (and baileys!) and catch up on Rock of Love while creating my domination of the world from my own office. I can even adjust the AC without needing a key or permission.
Somehow the worst of both worlds….just got better.
~Trisha
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Since having my daughter three years ago I’ve done it all. Stayed at home the first six months. Returned to work. At an office and in my home office. Let me tell you…there are pluses and minuses to all three gigs. There’s no such thing as the ideal set up ladies…so to all the insecure moms who feel the need to nit pick other moms …STOP IT.
You have to do what’s right for yourself and for your family…and NO ONE ELSE’S OPINION MATTERS.
Tracy
Oh ladies, I almost WEPT when I read this post. Seriously, I’m teary eyed. FINALLY, someone else who “gets it”!!! I become a wAHM (my kids do go part-time to daycare) not by choice, but as a result of a decision we had to make for our daughter who has special needs. The decision wasn’t a hard one to make – I quit my full-time corporate job as an in-house graphic designer to have the flexibility to get our daughter to and from 4 therapy appointments each week…and now preschool 4 days per week. It’s definitely not for everyone, but as Trisha said, I consider myself blessed. It makes my heart ACHE to think of all the special needs kids out there who aren’t getting all the extra help they need because their parents are tied down to some ridiculous 9-5 job with NO flexibility.
I do have to say that with my husband being a teacher and off for the summer, it is BEYOND difficult to accomplish much during the summers – at least during normal business hours…for everyone else. And it does get old having my hubby act annoyed when he gets home from work and the dishes aren’t done or the laundry is heaped on the couch. After 4 years of me working from home he still doesn’t fully comprehend what I do when I’m home…it’s called RUNNING A BUSINESS AND STILL BRINGING IN A FULL-TIME INCOME WHILE BEING A 24-HOUR ON-CALL TAXI DRIVER!!! Grrrrrrr…….
Thank goodness I can survive on about 5 hours of sleep….cause my “business hours” are usually about 8pm-2am.
Oops…forgot to say great post! Looking forward to your next one.
I think being a WAHM is one of the most difficult jobs — because we really do try to do it all and somehow find balance in the midst of it all as well.
Amen…tell it sister! I am right there with you.
I think WAHMs are becoming more prevalent. Same goes for WAHDads. It’s more than likely the way of the future, really, with companies trying to cut back on expenses. So it’s a great topic to talk about.
Actually somtimes I don’t like even the WAHM label – I sometiems argue with myself that even if I didn’t have to “work-work” I’d still be working but I’d be a straight care giver – which is WORK! So SAHM are WAHMs too
Then comes the degree to which you are a WAHM – it seems that this too can cause deabate…”I work hard/longer” “for a real job” etc etc.
The dabate needs to end with us all saying, let’s help eachother gain some sense of stability, control in doing whatever we need, or choose to do. Wahm, Sahm, WOHM, it’s enough to make you go AWOL.
We’re all trying to do the best we can, whether that’s provide love, money, food, or follow our own dreams and passions by choosing to go back to work. A happy mom makes for a happy family. Period.
Great post and I’ve been a WAHM x 8 years and the great thing is, the folks whose opinions don’t matter are Not Signing My Paycheck or part of my circle of family and friends.
My pat response is when I hear the lecture coming on, (not so much anymore btw, more envy than anything), is that Every family has to make the decisions they think best for them, whether it’s choice of school for their kiddos, filtered vs.tap, SAHM vs.Not, etc. etc.
I tell em nicely, bugger off. I like having a career that helps folks and allows us some freedom and choices for our kids. Plus, a dear friend was widowed young w/two little children, that opened my eyes to the What Ifs.
You know, I always said that once I have kids I wouldn’t work anymore. I’d be a stay at home mom so that my child always has a parent at home with them…well, at least until they start school. Let me tell you how quickly that changed after I had my son. I couldn’t wait to go back to work. I started off part time, staying home on the days where my husband worked (at the time he worked 4 then he was off 4). At first it was great, but it didn’t last long. I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. I think I would have gone insane if I had stayed a SAHM. My working gets me out of the house, about the only time I’m by myself for more than a bathroom break. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my son very much, BUT he can annoy the shit out of you at the same time if he’s not getting all the attention when he wants it, which is usually when you are in the middle of something important.
The way I look at it, my family has the best of both worlds. We are working to provide for our family to better our family. Our son is getting interaction with other people instead of only knowing mommy and the siblings or some kids he may have his/her “play date” with. It’s a constant thing and that is something he will have to be used to for the next 14 years (when he graduates high school).
I was born telling the doctor how I could have delivered myself better than he did!
They are all hard jobs. They all have their ups and downs. I like being a work at home mom and at times, I hate it.
I hear you completely. See my biggest problems are family, they think if you don’t work outside of the home you’re not worth! Well thanks a lot.
I had my Etsy shop (now it’s on hold LOL) but I do make things and sell them locally. But for my friends and family that is waist of time,for them I do it because i have too much time. It’s crazy.
So true, working at home IS the best of both and worst of both worlds. It has so many upsides, but there’s also tremendous pressure to “always be on”. It’s hard to leave work at the end of the day if your computer is sitting there screaming that you’ve got 103 new messages!
Thanks for the honesty here. I wish all moms could just realize that whether we work in or out of the home, it’s all work and all worthwhile.
I could not be more enthusiastic about this post. Seriously. It’s so true how misfitted we are. A breed that goes unnoticed and shunned all at the same time. Sometimes I think I’m absolutely INSANE for choosing to work…and from home, but like you mentioned, I get to take a break for dinosaurs, story time, and daytime television garbage.
Heaven on earth with a pinch of hell.
I was waiting for this post.
You know I’m anticipating Dr. Phil. I can’t wait for it to be on.
I couldn’t imagine trying to work in my home. It’s absolute chaos and I would get nothing done. Maybe that’s why I do most of my blogging at my job, which is not at home.
Funny you mention deodorant. I only just realized I needed to put some on and it’s after noon.
I’m pretty much in the same boat and my biggest complaint with this work at home mom lifestyle is trying to explain it to my husband. My job is meaningless to him and not “real”….until the checks stop coming.
When other moms ask what I do, I just simply say “I work from home” and I swear they look at me like I have a third eye.
So true, Cat! My husband is constantly making comments like “do you think you could run by the store for xx item?” or “can you just take the car in for service?”. When I balk, he’ll say “but you’re going to be home anyway!”.
Um, yeah, I’ll be home WORKING. It’s hard to get this through his head. He’s a great guy, just has no point of reference for working at home.
Oh ladies, I almost WEPT when I read this post. Seriously, I’m teary eyed. FINALLY, someone else who “gets it”!!! I become a wAHM (my kids do go part-time to daycare) not by choice, but as a result of a decision we had to make for our daughter who has special needs. The decision wasn’t a hard one to make – I quit my full-time corporate job as an in-house graphic designer to have the flexibility to get our daughter to and from 4 therapy appointments each week…and now preschool 4 days per week. It’s definitely not for everyone, but as Trisha said, I consider myself blessed. It makes my heart ACHE to think of all the special needs kids out there who aren’t getting all the extra help they need because their parents are tied down to some ridiculous 9-5 job with NO flexibility.
I do have to say that with my husband being a teacher and off for the summer, it is BEYOND difficult to accomplish much during the summers – at least during normal business hours…for everyone else. And it does get old having my hubby act annoyed when he gets home from work and the dishes aren’t done or the laundry is heaped on the couch. After 4 years of me working from home he still doesn’t fully comprehend what I do when I’m home…it’s called RUNNING A BUSINESS AND STILL BRINGING IN A FULL-TIME INCOME WHILE BEING A 24-HOUR ON-CALL TAXI DRIVER!!! Grrrrrrr…….
Thank goodness I can survive on about 5 hours of sleep….cause my “business hours” are usually about 8pm-2am.
I agree that each family has to make the right decision for them–I have been both a working mom and a WAHM and I loved them both but of course I would RATHER be home like I am now even with all the headaches and missed calls
I’ve never understood the whole pissing match between SAHMs and moms who work outside the home. I have to agree with you that you have the best and worst of both worlds. I’m not disciplined enough to run a successful business from home.
I have been both WAHM/SAHM and I still work right now part time outside the home in the evenings. It is a tough to say who is in the right, I think everyone finds what is right for them and makes it work to the best of their abilities.
For me it is having work that is flexible enough to meet my volunteer schedule, my oldest’s medical schedule, and available to my girls while they are in those difficult tween/teen years. I wish that instead of judging how each woman decides what works best, that we could all see the pros and cons unique to each situation.
I feel like each lifestyle has it’s pros and cons. Each family has to decide what is best for THEM and it is not anyones place to judge that decision. Families are not made from the same mold, what works for one may not work for another.
I have several friends who work from home. Each lifetyle (SAHM, WAHM, Work outside the home mom) has it’s own unique challenges and each Mom rises to the ocassion to make it work!
I sort ot feel like you to be honest. I work part-time and really don’t fit in either category either. Guess I just couldn’t make my mind up so I tried to do both !
I don’t envy you working at home though. I try it sometimes and have had a few important memos deleted by “helping” hands !
I always hate that debate. Just like anything, there are pros and cons to all sides and you have to do what works best for your family. I have been lucky (is it really lucky though) enough to have at one point done all 3 of these. When my first son was born I worked full time outside of the home 4 days a week, commuting 120 miles per day. When my twins were born, daycare was no longer affordable so I stayed home but still worked for my employer on a part time level. I lasted only a few months as a WAHM mom because dammit it was hard. The only time I could get any work done was at night and I would end up being exhausted. So now I am just a SAHM mom who blogs I guess. All 3 “titles” were damn hard and made me ant to rip m hair out at some point. There are days when I miss working. I miss hearing the words “thank you” and “good job” because lets face it, being a mom is a thankless job. But I love that I get to stay home with my boys and stay in my PJs as long as I like. I love that I do not have to get into a car and deal with traffic every day.
I don’t even know if I have a point here. I hate that mom’s judge each other for their choices – whether its breastfeeding or working. You do what works for you and I’ll do what works for me.