Hi everyone! This is Trisha from Sweet ‘n’ Sassy Girls, and I have a problem. My daughter just turned two last week, and along with being two has come those dreaded terrible twos.
She can be the cutest little girl, but she can also be such a huge terror! My Dad said it serves me right because I was apparently the same way when I was little. I want to help teach her that it’s not OK to throw tantrums or hit when she doesn’t get her way.
That is probably the biggest problem I’m having is the hitting. I can handle her crying, but when she hits me in the face or pulls my hair, she’s gone too far. I know some people say it’s just because she’s two, but I believe that you can help teach your kids how to behave.
My problem is I don’t know how. This is our first kid and we don’t really know what to do.
Let me give you an idea of how we try to handle it: When she gets mad about something (it could be ANYTHING! For example: yesterday we were leaving the store and she didn’t want to sit in her car seat, she wanted to sit on a regular seat. She has always sat in her car seat so I don’t know why. We had to sit there for 5 minutes until I could calm her down enough to sit her in her car seat so we could leave) we tell her in a stern voice that we don’t hit, and if she does it again, she’s going to time out.
She always does it again.
Then we take her and put her on a step and tell her that she is in time out for hitting. She usually cries and squirms so we kind of have to hold her there on the step. We let her stay in time out until we count to ten. I count out loud, and if she does get off the step we start all over. After we count to ten we give her a hug and tell her again that we don’t hit.
I recently read an article talking about Nanny Jo’s time out strategy that stays you should put the kid in time out for 1 minute for each year old they are. So my daughter should be in there for 2 minutes. Am I not doing it long enough? Does she need more of a time out than the 10 seconds? Also, it said for the parents to place the kid in time out and then walk away. Then if the kid gets up to go and place them back into time out without saying anything.
I guess I need to try that too.
I know a lot of people say the tantrums are because of communication issues, but I don’t really think that is the problem in our case. My daughter talks a LOT and she is a huge fan of sign language, so she can communicate
with us that way too. I think she is just stubborn and wants her own way.
I’ve been trying to give her choices between two things and let her pick from there. For example, which sippy cup do you want, the pink one, or the purple one? A lot of the time I just get “no” as a response. I also have not been fighting her decision of which clothes she wants to wear, as you can see in this picture. She wanted to wear tights over top of pants. I let her. I figured it wasn’t worth a tantrum. Besides, we weren’t going anywhere. I’ve been trying to pick my battles. Even with choices, however, she still usually ends up throwing a fit.
Like I said earlier, I love my daughter and she can be so cute and fun at this age, but sometimes she wears my patience so thin!
Does anyone have any tips for us to help stop these tantrums that include hitting?
~Trish
Never, ever, ever, ever show your weak spot. If she thinks for one second you are going to give in then she will keep at it. Cry for 5 minutes Mom gives in, cry for 3 minutes, mom gives in, cry for a couple seconds Mom will give in. Giving in is not an option. Kids don’t have a long attention span. Get super tough for a week and she will knock it off only testing once in a while after that. Your response must be immediate and consistent between you and your husband.
Remember this is her way of testing the boundaries in her life and she will feel safe and loved if she knows there are boundaries and Mom is there to corral life around her.
signed: mother of two grown sons and the one who’s house was full of all the school friends every day.
When’s her birthday? My little girl turned 2 May 14! I’m going through the same thing with her!
My youngest just turned 2 a few weeks ago too. My oldest is 4. My oldest was like your daughter and had fits all the time it was very hard. I had to stick to the time out and we do like Nanny Jo 1 minute for each age. She eventually got the message but the fits didn’t completely disappear but just got better.
My current 2 year old is very stong minded and finds herself in time out a lot these days, but not for throwing fits but for NOT listening, doing something I told her over and over again not to do, hitting her sister, pulling her sisters hair etc. She sits there for 2 minutes. I TRUELY believe she is getting the message, slowly.
AN example……….. The like to pull the back cushions down from the couch and I don’t allow that cuz then they jump up and down etc so last week, new rule each time they pull them down automatic time out no warnings. My 4 year old has gone to time out once and hasn’t done it since……. my 2 year old kept doing it one day this week and I kept sending her to time out, then she’d do it again later and back to time out (2 minutes each time) now the past 2 days she hasn’t done it at all. I don’t know if it’s just a coincedience or she learned but I do think time out works.
Stick to your guns as hard as it is and if she keeps getting out just keep putting her back and yes ignore her, she’ll get it, she’s smart, she knows what she’s doing.
two is hard, I think everyday I’m glad this is my last one.
Sorry so long!
2, 3, & 4yo’s are all testing, having tantrums and in phases that last too long! Bottom line with any of your questions is you must follow through on your threat. Pretty soon it will become second nature to hand the grocery cart full of food to a cashier and ask her to put it away because you have to leave the store.
Time out time…in the beginning, I think 1 minute per year is too long. It takes a few months for them to get it, be able to sit there for any amount of time without you holding them and wait for you to take her out. I started with holding, but no looking at her and no talking. Just a strong arm. After she calms a little, do the talk & take her out. Then when she starts being able to go to the spot and you don’t have to hold her there, walk into another room so she can’t see you – she’ll probably call for you and even go find you. Walk her back. Just keep on progressing. My 4yo & almost 3yo can now handle minutes, but it took a while!
One thing that I found does work most of the time is when we’re driving to a store, I tell my guys what we will do when we get there. “After we get out of the car, we will hold hands when we walk through the parking lot. We always hold hands in a parking lot, yes? (yes.) And then when we get into the store Porter will sit in the cart and Carson will walk and hold onto the cart, yes? (yes.) Are you going to run in the parking lot? (no.) Are you going to run in the store? Etc…I repeat this at least 3 times before we get out of the car. And I start talking what will happen when we leave the store – I’ had too many embarrassing meltdowns in the middle of parking lots!
So you could enforce the returning to the car, when we get to the car, you will climb into your seat, yes? (and she must say yes.) Gosh, sorry this turned long! I feel for you just coming into the toddler phase – I’ve been in it for 2 yrs and it is the worst job I’ve ever had.
Shan @Last Shreds Of Sanity wrote:
oh charlottes a perfect 4 year old. 2s were just behavioural like trisha is going through for us, three was like insanity, but four is “flawless”
Sounds like my daughter…and the fours are way worse! We call them the terrible twos, triple threat threes and the fearsome fours. Not sure what the fives will bring…except, of course, the further erosion of my sanity.
@ Angie:
Yes 3’s are worse.
@ Angie:
3s are worse.
My cousin uses the “you have two choices…A…or B” and I actually started using it. I think its important to say “You have two choices” part so they know there are not any more options. If their response is not one of the choices. I simply repeat the same question.
Also don’t underestimate the power of reverse physcology. If I want my boys to do them, usually “don’t you eat that. No don’t eat it. You don’t want to eat that” works. Works for getting dressed and undressed.
I have a two year old and I’m not a fan of the twos and some people tell me threes are worse, which I don’t see is possible. I read the other comments and I think time out is the big thing and everything I have read always tells me to stay consistent on whatever it is you are doing. (For me that is hard) I think the behavior is normal, but you don’t want to hear that, I know I didn’t and I still don’t. My husband thinks our son is the naughtiest kid out there, so I think there are a lot of moms that can relate to you and what you are going through. For my sons two yr checkup he told me to not give in, stay consistent, and if they throw a fit walk away and ignore (as long as you know you they are not going to hurt themselves). The other big thing is choices, which you said you do and if they don’t pick you pick. Here is a great book to read…love and logic, has some really great ideas. If you are a reader there are a lot of books out there. I am currently reading about parenting a strong willed child… very good!. Good luck and just remember you are not alone and it is never bad to have a few drinks now and again
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P.S. One idea is a star chart and if you want to know more e-mail me… info@tinytotswithstyle.com
I LOVE supernanny. We use the naughty spot and I love it. Just be consistent and you will see results. As for the hitting thing, that is still something that we struggle with. Honestly, I don’t think little kids take the time to process before they hit sometimes, and sometimes it’s just a reaction for Chandler. Although he gets punished when he hits, I still try to take in consideration why it happened and what the situation was.
@ Spoodles:
i have nothing against spanking and use it when warranted in my home, which is thankfully rare.
I do, however, think spanking for hitting is a mixed message for a 2 year old. If they could understand the whole idea behind spanking as punishment, they would probably understand that they shouldn’t hit at all and not even have this problem. Don’t hit me or ill hit you is kind of a hard concept, even if the adult spanking is the punishment for the crime.
My advice would be use spanking on limited discipline that is not related to a behavior that is physical in nature to avoid confusion.
@ Spoodles:
I’ve gone back and forth on the spanking thing. My parents spanked us occasionally, and I don’t think it did any harm.
I spanked my daughter for the first time the other day and it sure caught her off guard! We were getting out of the bathtub and she was pulling my hair and hitting me in the face, so I turned her over and gave her a swat. Sure surprised her! Maybe that will be a last resort. I don’t know. See I’m still wavering on it! LOL!
Thanks everyone for the advice! I guess I need to go buy a kitchen timer.
The past 2 timeouts I’ve done for 2 minutes and basically ignored her. She actually got the point after getting up once and then having me place her back on the step. Maybe it won’t be as hard as I thought.
The most important thing about timeouts is to make them absolute torture! For a two year old, this means ignoring her (him. My 2nd son turned 2 this month, too!). Counting to 10 is paying attention. Just set a timer and walk away. If she gets up, put her back without saying a word, then walk away. If she screams, let her scream. With my boy, we’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even set a timer anymore. I just tell him he can get up when I think he’s being good. Timeouts are getting much shorter now.
Also, this is going to be a rather controversial answer, but it does work if you want to try it, so here you go: My secret is that if my son hits me, I turn him over my knee and I spank him. No, this does not teach him that hitting is ok. Just the opposite, this teaches him that justice follows wrongdoing. Imprisoning people isn’t very nice, either, but policemen do it when we break the law. I want to teach my children that consequences are unpleasant while they’re young or I’ll spend my whole life bailing them out of trouble.
Jo doesn’t hit, kick, bite, or anything else, and neither did my 5 year old. They trust me to correct them and love them afterward, and I promise a spank won’t damage the child or your relationship. (It’ll make you want to cry, though. It really does hurt Mommy more than it hurts the child.)
Little ones don’t think in the abstract. They think in concrete terms. Nothing is more concrete than a smack on the legs. There, now everybody tell me how awful it is to spank. I can take it. My results speak for themselves, I think.
Do you have a pack n play? We used it for time out and it was very effective. She couldn’t get out. She was obviously segregated from the rest of us. She hated going in there. We decided to use it because she was pulling the cats tail and I’d take her away from him and she’d just go right back and do it again. she thought it was hysterical. Big reaction out of mommy, big reaction out of the cat, I’d rush over there and pick her up blah blah blah… Being in the ‘naughty pen’ totally removed her from that situation and she knew she’d been duped. I wouldn’t say anything. No yelling – I’d just pick her up and plunk her in. Then after it was over I’d calmly say -we don’t pull Boo’s tail. If I let you out do not pull his tail.” I felt it made it seem like more of a big deal because she would sit on a chair and not even care she was on it….it was almost fun to sit on a chair kwim?
My daughter is 2 and a half, she hits too. We do timeout for two minutes and I set the timer and walk away. I think Nanny Jo has it right. The point of timeout is to exclude them from the activity (this for the toddler mostly means you). She will be more responsive if she is in “timeout from mom”. It sounds harsh, but it’s two minutes and they learn quickly. Be sure to explain why they were in timeout after the two minutes, but move on quickly. Act like it’s no biggie, timeouts happen. Good Luck!
Wow this really does sound like Charlotte, which means your child is normal. Trisha is right. Stick her in the corner for 2 minutes in the dining room and walk out. If she gets up put her back and start her over. She is going to throw a tantrum regardless of the punishment, just make her do it where no one can see. The whole point of a tantrum is to get attention. If there is no one to see then she will stop, eventually. Charlotte hates time out because she can’t be with us. It go so bad that we stated putting her in her room on her bed and telling her that she couldn’t come out until she calmed down. It sometimes took 20-30 minutes before she was let out.
Keep in mind that your daughter is barely two so she only understands so much. It will take some time to train her to understand. Stay patient and stick with the same routine. Most importantly don’t stay in the room with her it only fuels the fire.
Trisha, with charlotte, and she did go through the hitting phase around the same age, when she would hit, we would take her hands and tell her that “hitting HURTS mommy/daddy, we do not hit, we love” and we kept that phrase the entire time, really focusing on hands are not for hitting.
I also agree w/ nanny jo. We put charlotte in time out for her age and if she comes out, the time starts over. We do not stay w/ her and never have and you have to walk away. PIck a spot not near toys, Tv, nothing they can entertain themselves with.
Its like getting rid of a paci or bottle, you just have to endure it.
Trisha