-This is not me, trisha, writing. This is a guest, so its under my name. I really need to get around to making a guest name. She is reading your responses.
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Hubby and I waited until we got married to have sex – with anyone. Total virgins. Now that we have been married for 4 years are we already losing sexual interest?
No, I can’t believe it.
There simply must be something to cure this sexual apathy.
Let’s start at the beginning, and see where we went wrong. When we first got married, my husband and I couldn’t wait till the wedding night. That first time was awkward and all, but amazing! Then we became newlyweds and had the normal quarrels about him being in the mood and me not. And he was in the mood a lot! You can’t blame the guy – he waited 25 years to have sex. It soon became apparent that he wanted it way more than I did. Thankfully I got pregnant 4 months after being married so I could blame a lot of my not being in the mood on pregnancy.
I think the problems lie in what we allowed to slowly creep in the way of our sex life.
I don’t think we ever had a really vibrant, alive sex life, but it had it’s moments of awe and splendor, and somehow we began to gradually suffocate it. At first it was due to my lack of trying, I’ll admit. Sure, my body my choice and whatever but I didn’t even care about his feelings at all during that first year. When we had the time to be romantic and crazy, without the distractions of children or work, we didn’t take advantage of it.
Now, he works 14 hours a day.
We have 2 kids sleeping in our bed with us. Being attachment parenting advocates we have totally disagreed when people suggested that co-sleeping can strain your sex life. “No way, it just makes us more creative” we’d say with a laugh.
Ha!
Where is the joke now? On us.
I hate to admit it, but after doing the cry it out method tonight, we had sex. And it was amazing! Baby boy is in the crib and the toddler is learning how to sleep on her own as well.
What else can we do to keep the sex alive in the marriage?
I hate that I can go a month without sex and not even care. I have no sexual drive for some reason. And then I feel so bad for my poor husband. Men are wired to need sex more. He never pressures me and has told me he only wants to have sex if I want to have sex. He prefers to make love. I am truly blessed and want to be the same blessing to him.
You know what would help a little? Just a smidge? A love note here and there. Maybe a few more dates. I have read books that say if you give your husband more sex he will be more romantic and responsive to your needs. This doesn’t always work! I tried it. Maybe if he was more romantic I’d give more sex and encourage his romantic efforts? I wish.
So here I am.
We have sex about once a week and I want us to do more. I want more sex drive, more time without kids and to feel more connected to him. I don’t want to fall into the sexless rut some couples do – and after only 4 years of marriage! We ought to still be on fire! I am making some changes around here. We are married for crying out loud. We should be crying out loud in ecstasy, not snoring in exhaustion. So more dates, a bed sans kids and a few other ideas of mine.
I will not take this lying down. (Ok, I will)
~Guest Blogger
Thanks for the guest post! I feel like I could have written that. Except I have zero sex drive.
So it’s been good to read all the suggestions from people! Although I really don’t think I could have sex 7 nights in a row….
I think you need to have your hormone levels checked. I went through a period of “I could really care less about sex” in my 20′s (I just turned 39). It was a combination of his idea of foreplay was poking me in the back with a woody while I was trying to sleep and that I had undiagnosed PCOS.
A woman’s sex drive starts in the BRAIN not the pelvis. Men are always driven by the “little head”. Until men get this HUGE difference, women will have problem sex lives.
But when I was pregnant (I was 33) I was horny all the friggin time. I was in hormone overdrive. And although I am not as horny as I was during pregnancy, it is absolutely true about a woman reaching her sexual peak at 35. Well not her “peak” as in it’s all downhill after the age of 35, but it is sure a lot better and more fun than it was in your 20′s. Plus getting pregnant seems to have leveled out my PCOS and the side effects of that particular disease.
Another thing to consider in YOUR sex drive is medicine you may be on. I never thought about the fact I had no sex drive when we got married. When we got pregnant with my son, I got off of my allergy meds I was on year-round. I contributed my increased sex drive to being pregnant. After staying off of them for a while (and reading packaging) I realized the allergy meds were suppressing this. Many drugs actually do this, especially those that “dry out” parts of your body like your nose and sinuses – well they really dry out EVERYTHING. If your on medicine, read the information closely and discuss with your doctor of it is a potential side effect.
Okay, I’ve read the previous posts & apart from agreeing with your problem & suggesting you visit your local “sex toy store”… you got nothing solid that you can run with. BTW, …been with the “honey” for almost 15 yrs & as with everything else there’s good times & not so good times. With that said… here we go.
#1 – Men most always want & need sex more than women. It’s their main mood & they use it for everything: de-stresser; let’s celebrate; frustrated; sick; did the wind blow today! You name it & they’ll use any excuse to get it! For men, sex is a “need” that drives them… all apart of their “chemical makeup”. This is why they have no problem having sex when the babies are in the same room & never worry if they’ll wake up! While we are lying there thinking “Lord, let this be *Mister Speedy’s* night to show up, before the baby wakes up!”
#2 – Women can take it or leave it. For us, it’s not that all intense need to “find & conquer” as it is for men. And, men can’t understand this about us. While they are thinking for the 126th time during the day about that one thing (sex) that they want to accomplish; we are thinking about the 126 different things that we need to get accomplished and sex (sadly) is usually not at the top of the list. So, to ensure that he’s thinking about you at least 120 of those times during the day… try some of these: when he calls you during the day & asks “What are you doing?” LIE! & tell him you’re “Dancin’ naked in the kitchen.” Or, before he says anything, ask him if he’s calling because he misses you. He may be a taken aback at first (this is a good thing – you want to keep them guessing), but he’ll be thinking about you for the rest of the day!
#3 – Know when to fake it & when not to fake it. Don’t fake it every time…especially, if he’s not satisfying your needs. However, someday they just need a little pat on the back & a “that a boy” just to let them know that they’ve still got “it” & your well satisfied with “it”.
#4 – Don’t be afraid to be silly or make jokes (nothing hurtful — men are very sensitive about their “dangly” parts) with him either during foreplay or afterplay… If he was a bit fast to the finish, then say something about it “Wow! I didn’t know Mister Speedy was popping by for appetizers… Now, we can enjoy the main course!” Or, if he left you satisfied & grinning from ear to ear, tell him “Aaah… You made happy faces this time, Honey.”
#5 – Sometimes, we don’t want sex because we’re just tired of the routine. “Tap, tap, kiss, kiss, it’s Mister Speedy time. Wam, bam, thank you, Ma’m” Be the aggressor. Conqueror that man’s passion! There comes much power in the knowledge that you can “curl your man’s toes”! Why do you think they like it so much when we get a bit “vocal” when it’s good. The best way to do this is to catch him off guard. I’m not talking about slipping into the shower with him…that’s been done to death. Try this: If you’ve got little ones still sleeping in your room; wait ’til they’re asleep & your man, too… Go take a hot, relaxing shower/bath; don’t completely dry off (they like a little dampness — it’s the whole “girl coming out of the ocean” fantasy that they have); oil up/perfume yourself (whatever you do after a shower); grab all of your extra pillows & some fluffy comforters and throw them in the living room floor; set a bit of “mood” lighting (that night light in the hallway will be enough). THEN, go get your man… even if it’s 2:00am. Don’t say anything, just nudge him awake, take him by the hand & lead him to your lair!
Okay, I know this is a lot & I have a lot more, but I don’t want to use up the whole page!!!
BTW, before you make a run to the drug store or the “sex toy store” for enhancers… check your diaper bag or medicine cabinet first for the VapoRub. Never underestimate the power of Vick’s when you want to add a little “bang for the buck”. Remember, a little goes a long way… just lube your man’s “man part” & he’ll be rearing to go! And, so will you.
Alrighty then, I see that my work here is done my friend. Happy conquering!
KIJ
This sounds exactly like my husband and I. Sometimes I feel so bad that I don’t want it more. I love it when we actually do! It is so hard with working 11 hours a day and having a 10 month old.
Thanks for posting!
I agree with another commenter who said to practice. The more you have sex the more you’ll want it! Also try going to one of the adult toy shops. They have some fun things in there that will spice things up!
I could have written this myself except that I have been married for almost 11 yrs. It does take an effort on both ends. If he isn’t willing to make the effort, why should I bother.
I’ve been married for 14 years and we’ve gotten stuck in that rut more than once. With kids, jobs, family, stress, etc it’s easy to get stuck… and the only way out was to talk about what we both wanted from each other. What it boiled down to was I want affection and he wants sex… and if I’m getting affection outside of the bedroom, he’s more likely to get action inside the bedroom
My husband and I are almost totally sexless. We’ve only been married for 2.5 years and together for a total of 4. We weren’t virgins when we got married (my oldest daughter was 7 mos old at our wedding) and we weren’t each other’s first. I don’t think that has anything to do with our lack of sex. I won’t go in to details because it’s too long to type right now. A large part of our problem is the two kids, long hours at work and the fact that he is not a big fan of giving forplay. We need some help, so I’m anxious to read what people say to you
Have sex every day for seven days straight. Seriously. Even if you don’t feel like it. Sex is a practice thing. If you don’t practice, you won’t want to do it. Does that make sense? I don’t know–I just know that this works.
And uh…go to one of those “special” stores to spice things up a bit!
Good luck!
Hello Trish,
I read this on my iphone and could not wait to get home to type up a response. Here we go. First, what you are experiencing is nothing new. That is the good thing. Plus, you recognize the problem and you want to do something about it. That’s great. So, here’s what you do.
Go to this site. http://www.anonymous8.com. Read every post – it’s a new blog, so there are about 12 of them. Okay, you can skip a couple, but we are a group of friends who talk about this stuff and tell you what to do to keep your marriage young and fresh (especially in the bedroom), and many of us have been married 15-20 years. Did I mention every post? Study the site. Read it. Internalize the articles. Share them with your husband. Discuss them. Tell him what you want. Seriously, this could save you thousands in marriage therapy. Then, if you like them and think that they help, tell your friends. All of them. Comment on the posts. Seriously, if I knew then what I know now, I could have saved a lot of heartache in my marriage.
Plus, the final note. Your marriage comes first. That means good intimacy in all of its forms. Yes, it’s hard in the little kid trenches, but you and your husband can do this. And then everything else will seem to go a little smoother.
Good luck and let me know what you think. Great and honest and refreshing article.
Sarah Baron, member of the Anonymous8
Thanks for the advice Sarah, but this is not Trisha. Trust me when I say Trisha and I were far from virgins when we got married.
Ok. So, I wasn’t a virgin on our wedding, but, we have only been with each other. ever. Crazy. Anyyyyyyway. We have the opposite problem, I usually have the drive and he can go either way. We manage to “do the deed” once a week or so. The thing that gets in our way is that our 3 year old sleeps with us due to Night Terrors and lack of space in our current apartment. Makes for difficult “relations” What I would recommend is spice things up a bit (I’ve been “with” my hubs for 10 years) do it in a different room, different position, etc. I would love to just get a “just because” present, but, it never happens.
I hope you figure something out soon! And share it if you do! 
I read that first paragraph and was like whhhhattttt? Trisha you big liar! LOL Then I saw the guest post part.
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I don’t know, I guess it’s different for everyone. My husband and I were all “sexed out” within the first 2 years of marriage but we also had a baby the first year. Almost 9 years later twice a month is perfectly fine for both of us. Heck, I’d probably forgo it altogether if he’d let me.
Word. So would I.
Lee
I’m not sure how old are your kiddos, but it could be due to pregnancy, postpartum and just plain exhausted to even think about sex let alone have it.I’m sure when your little ones are older you two will get back on track
I’m sure we all go trough this in some point in marriage, whether we waited or not. It’s just life that happens and things that always seem more important. Just find a way to be alone and do dates or a little romantic things when ever you can!
As for drive, I don’t know, it could be the things I’ve mentioned before. I know when our daughter was borne I had that Mommy feeling that Hubby shouldn’t be near me because I’m a mom and nursing and…well my drive was 0 and his 100 it drove some unpleasant situations LOL