What is the difference between networking and a clique?

The difference is how you feel.

Recently I have had the fun experience to be involved in a lot of online communities, committees, focus groups, forums, social networking sites…oh, whatever, you name it, I’m usually there or know about it.

The one thing with an online world is that its so damn big and yet so damn small. You tend to come across some of the same names a lot, which means to me, that those people are working as hard as you are, right?

Not always. Beware of the all too common: “FriEnemy, “Mean Girl”, and “Queen Bee Mommy Blogger” and “Clique”.

My favorite thing out there are for sure are cliques. Ah…The Clique. The wonderful organization we desperately want to leave behind in high school, but that never  truly goes away. It usually has a leader {usually a “pretty girl” or at least she used to be–who knows HOW old that profile pic is}, a wannabe leader who stabs said leader in back constantly {easily detectable by the brown spot on their nose and undying loyalty–can you say stalker??}, and an absorbent amount of followers that want to be the leader and the wannabe leader. Make no mistake, no one really likes each other, but they just don’t know what else to do. They are in droves on the net. Like lemmings.

Then low and behold you have this brilliant idea…to search out and join an online website in hopes to find someone like you, someone to not judge you, someone to share your common interests, and you are thrust into a world that is so infested with cliques that it leaves your head spinning on which way to go and then you find yourself asking yourself  “I wanted to make friends online why?”

You find cliques in chat rooms, in forums, in NING sites, on radio shows, on blogs, on twitter, on facebook….well, anywhere a group of people can get together, you will probably come across someone that will remind you that:

A) you’re not good enough

B) you’re not smart enough

C) and gosh darnet people don’t like you

Mommies getting together on the surface  can be a great idea…we want to connect, to share, to remember that we all have kids and have stained clothes and dishes piling up, but it doesn’t take too long before the group divides into subdivisions that judge you not just on your appearance, but now how you raise your child.

As if we didn’t have enough to worry about.

When you own a blog and have dreams to make yourself into the Yoda of the online world, chances are you’re going to be hit back into reality quite quickly. There will be sub levels and hierarchies and it will leave you feeling the lowest of the low on Maslows scale. Your little blog that talks about the wonderfully hilarious moment you had with your child yesterday can go largely unnoticed, leaving you with hurt feelings and a blank comment space with no response.

You find yourself forced into forming friendships, and as the new girl in the friendships, you’re the last, and often the least important, one of the group.

Lets face it, girls don’t grow up, they just grow older.

I can tell you my experience in the online world, I have been on both sides of the coin, and neither one are that exciting.  At least once you hit puberty. In fact, I now spend my time running fast and hard when it comes to being involved in groups that are clearly divided and require you jump through hoops to be ‘friends’ with them. I can tell you that I am the worst ass kisser you will ever meet, which means I’m going to be the  first one gossiped about in about 2 seconds flat. If you’re looking for someone to tell you how great you are every moment and how your opinion is always right and how you are the gift to all internet world, I am NOT your girl. If you get a compliment from me, its from the heart. That being said, I don’t hand them out too often.

Now being online brings the Mommy Clique or The Plastics to a whole new playing field. I have watched girls on the MomDot forum share with us their blogs being attacked by hurtful comments from Mom forums they are a part of, even many receiving anonymous comments regarding their weight  or their spouse. Last night on twitter, I watched someone tweet out a situation that she had with a troll specifically targeting her child, one of the worst kind of attacks because it feels so personal and heartbreaking.

I personally have been threatened to be killed, had my child’s picture drawn on, had people break into my email and steal it, had entire sites spend hours negatively analyzing my webcam broadcasts and blogs- all from “Mommies”. And we dare to wonder why the term “Mom Blogger” has been attacked so much lately?

Have you ever asked why? What is the point of all this? Are people that insecure that they are required to put others down to make themselves feel more important? Where are their kids?? Seriously, is this worth the time away from your family and  friends?

And are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

Let’s be honest–we all can fall victim to both sides of this, but in the end are you being true to YOU?

While I was already well too aware of online social cliques, the whole blog thing brought a new graduated era to me…competitive cliques. Popularity contests online. Who is the cooler blog, who has the most comments, the most visitors, the biggest spotlight, how many ”members” you have in your network………

Oh, lord, someone save me from busting out laughing.

It should be about the quality of your blog posts, your honesty, your personality, and most importantly what you doing for others and the impact your making. And hey, its not always about charity and “how to” blog posts, sometimes its about making someone laugh or relating to someones life with yours, but it most certainly isn’t about attacking another person………unless, of course, you’re picking on Dooce and then somehow its allowed, understood, and she likes it.

When a business comes to me and asks me about how I can work for them, they certainly don’t ask me how many Myspace top 8 friends lists I fall in, or what my rating is on twitter or if my Facebook is connected to 9000 people I don’t know. If you want to be successful in the blogsphere , and you’re not interesting enough to throw around the F word gracefully, you need to face the reality of needing to be professional.

If you can barely hold down a chat room discussion without private chatting someone to talk about someone else in the chat room…–you have a long road ahead of you.

But what I really, really cant stand is when you are reaching out for a common good or to grow and interact as a friendship or community and someone looks at you from their high top little internet hill and makes you feel as if you are still not “good enough”. Sigh, here we go again…you have been pulled into a real life scene from a teenage movie!  Then again, that is if they honor you with an email back at all. (this is a hint: Still waiting for some “organizations” to respond to me) I am the queen of trying to connect with someone and @ them a question, not just a statement, and its like an echo in no response.  Hello? Hello?

Here are some “pointers” for those new to the blogsphere or to those of you who read this and thought to yourself…hmmm, this sounds familiar.

• -Got something to say to someone? Say it to their face! OK so maybe you have to email it but, in the end–honesty is the best policy. We all have been in those situations where you *think* someone said something and then you later find out it was mis-communicated or just fell victim to “Telephone” and something got lost in the translation. Don’t be the one that starts it, passes it, assumes it, shares it, or otherwise is a part of any online gossip mongering. If you find yourself sharing what someone SAID about someone else….YOU are the problem. Go directly to the off button, do not pass go, and delete yourself from that group.
  
• -Question those you are weary about. Any decent person would be willing to share with you what their purpose is and what their goals are…actually, most stand up sites have a “mission statement” of some sort on their blog somewhere. And no, “We want to be the BEST” is not the right attitude to have–come on, the best?? Look around, you cant get much better then me. Oh wait..where was I. Laughing aside, I do believe in confidence and in goals, but not in being conceited or pushing others down to rise up.
  
• Please please please do not think because you don’t know who someone is, that they are not worthy of your time.  The internet is a big damn place. Just because your blog may appear older then another blog or you have more kids, or your name is on 35 social networking sites that you are more experienced. This is the INTERNET, not Wallstreet. Putting your foot in your mouth virtually speaking, isn’t a good idea. Recently I had a blogger friend witness a tweet that went out that someone was mad that another, newer blog had the same opportunities that they had. Really? You’re mad that someone else got the same opportunity? I think you should keep that to your inner voice.
  

The internet has given people a way to hide. To be bigger then they really are, to sit behind a screen and type words and become someone they probably are not.  So choose your social networks wisely….choose your online friends carefully, and don’t be afraid to “walk” away.

Being on the internet should make you feel happy, connected, and to provide you with a sense of creativity, self worth, and community. You should feel equal to those around you and included  in the groups you are a part of. I know that my time is valuable and it took me years to put that together. My time isn’t worth being talked about, picked on, offended, annoyed…if I walk away from the computer and still feel contempt for a situation, then I’m putting myself in a negative situation.

The only person that can make you feel bad about yourself is YOU.

And to all the cliques that stalk me…..please don’t stop. I like the traffic. But I will never be your BFF no matter how much you want me to be. Smooches!

~Trisha

*this article has been ongoing for a bit…there are so many people and experiences that went into this, that it could have been a book instead of a blog post. Thank you to the girls on the MomDot forum that share contacts, sponsorships, graphics, and help each other everyday without wanting something in return. Thank you to all those that shared how cliques online have hurt them or affect them on a daily basis. While I have been involved in way too many cliques online in the past,contrary to what those girls will believe, this doesn’t go out to you. You’re so vain, you probably think this post is about you……….but you b*tches are way out of my head..it goes out to you other b*tches*