A good friend of mine, who is also a blogger and not sure she wants her blog listed, so Ill wait to list it in this post, was telling me today about her sister getting separated from her DH. Her sister sent out an email to all of the family telling about the separation and explaining that it was her fault because she didn’t spend enough quality DH time. Here is a portion of that letter she wrote out to everyone…(i have permission to print)
What brings you home every day? Your love for your family? So why do we treat our husband with such disdain and disgust. Why do we choose to talk down to them as if they are toddlers. Why can we not see their honest love and dedication to us and our family. Why is it never enough. We – I was never satisfied. I forgot who I was talking to. I forgot I was talking to the man I have been crazy about. The man that made time stop. The man that I wanted to make babies with…and did. The man that took care of me and guided me and fended for our children. The man that would walk through fire for me. I forgot who I was talking to. Now he’s not there. Now I am alone. I am ashamed.
Sisters, this is the awareness I need to give you. LOVE YOUR MAN THE WAY YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD. He IS hardworking. He IS supportive. He IS good at a lot of things. TELL HIM and SHOW HIM! Hug him. Compliment him. Let him have alone time. Thank him for his dedication. Listen to him without interrupting. This is HIS LIFE TOO! This is HIS MARRIAGE TOO!
What do you think is more important in a family. Your marriage, or your kids? Is there a seperation in the two? Can you be a good wife AND a good mommy? And if it came down to it…who is more important to you. Really. Be honest. Is it your DH or your kids and why.
well I am one that says no, dh does not come first…..we had a long discussion on this, and I flat out asked him if he felt neglected, unloved and such because I happen to believe that my kids come first….and he flat out told me…he would not have it any other way than how it is now….he would not accept anything less then me putting the kids first….we have been together for 19 years now, and yes he is a HUGE part of my life….and if something were to happen to him I would miss him dearly and it would be gut wrenching to go thru, but I would survive….I would have to for my kids…but if god forbid anything were to happen and my kids were gone…I honestly do not think I could go on living…they are my life, I brought them into this world and they are my constant….My husband is my husband and my friend….we talk about everything, and he knows that if it came down to a choice between him and my kids….that the kids would come out on top, unless it was something that was a total lack of respect or something to that effect…..because in my family alone….marriages seem to not last….and no matter what you kids are YOURS, your dh could not always be there for you….I am not sure this is making any sense, but the jist is this….in our marriage, dh works his butt off and does his best to provide for us, and he knows I appreciate it, I don’t have to do big elaborate things to show him, I just tell him, and do the “little” things in life that he loves and appreciates, to show him just how much I do love and respect him…and it works for us….we have a unique relationship being together for so long…..we can read each other pretty well, and at this point know its ok to say “hey, I need to get this out and say something” instead of keeping it all inside….
I meant to add that my heart is breaking for your friend (as I’m sure she is reading this).
And, don’t get me wrong, there are times when the kiddo comes first, but in the end, it will be hubby. We are each other’s rock, and for us, we have to be for things to work. We also had a phenomenal Bible Study serious (Adam Hamilton) and he spoke about the importance of the spousal relationship coming before the kids (of course after God, though).
What a moving post. My heart hurts for this woman, because she is realizing what a good thing she had too late. I tend to be a royal bitch to my husband, but I also work very hard to take care of him… feed him, clean up after him, plan his schedule, etc. I really feel you have to go into a marriage like its a team sport. I always preach to him about being a team player with the house and the kids, and that we need to be able to cross task better. He cannot cook. I cannot mow the lawn. We need to start doing each others chores, even with the kids, because we are starting to build resentment for each other. Marriage is hard work. Anyone who thinks that romance and sex runs a marriage will be very sorry 13 years down the line, trust me. Good marriages take creativity, tolerance, physical fittness, ( to chase kids!) patience, and logic. All things I have a hard time with sometimes. lol
Great reminder. It’s hard to switch out of mommy mode and into wife mode after a long day alone with kids, but DH definitely deserves my time too. I guess hubby and kids are equally important. You have to learn to balance both and nurture both relationships.
And let me add, the 10 years we were together before she was born..he got plenty of him time. LOL
trisha
I think I am the only one that says…kids come first. But this is coming from someone who basically has a wonderful marriage and an extremly involved DH with me and our child and my business. He does everything for us and we are very grateful. No, we do not have sex as much as he wants. I could probably work harder on that part…(no pun intended) but its good. So I guess its easy for me to say..my daughter is THREE, she HAS to come first. Before me, before my DH, before our personal time or alone time, becuase she doesnt have hte mental capability to understand like us adults do. Daddies are grown adults. Mommies are grown adults. Kids RELY on us.
I understand the point, and i love my husband with all my heart, but at her age, its family time right now, not DH/DW time. And yes, she will move out in EIGHTEEN years…but right now, I am all she has and he is all she has. I think our focus MUST be on her.
krystyn and lamb said it wonderfully. Although sometimes it’s hard and I do tend to put the kids before him… but man when I want something I GO THROUGH TOOTH AND NAIL to get it. LOL
Lots and lots of commitment, and work to have a marriage that works.
I agree about your hubby coming first. If your relationship is not strong and thriving, you will not be able to effectively parent. Parenting is a partnership just as much as a marriage is.
Takes a lot of commitment. If you are not happy with your spouse…your children will know it. They are much smarter than we want to believe!
Krystyn (btw, totally hard to type your name for me for some reason, lol), i am SO interested in this view….the DH before kids one. I hope more elaborate if its their view. Thank you for sharing.
Yes, you can have both. And, I think your hubby/spouse has to come first. They were the first ones in the picture, and they’ll be the ones there after the kids grow up and leave home. It is absolute necessity that you have a good relationship with your spouse.